


I'll be there

by mkhhhx



Category: K-pop, Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety, Depression, Drug Addiction, Fluff, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Huntington's Disease, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Violence, NaNoWriMo, Pining, Slow Burn, Substance Abuse, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-10 05:33:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 51,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12905160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mkhhhx/pseuds/mkhhhx
Summary: “I am Chae Hyungwon. I’m here because I was killing myself.”“Lee Minhyuk, I’m here because I still want to kill myself. “





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello dear readers~  
> First of all, although I think I tagged everything, if you find something else that needs to be tagged please inform me. 
> 
> It's my first time participating in NaNoWriMo, ending up with the longest fic I have ever written and impressing myself with actually finishing on time, despite November being hectic with uni work.   
> So yeah, enjoy!

He could smell and hear it before opening his eyes. Eyelids still heavy with sleep, body more tired than not. This was not his bed, this was not his lover’s bed. The beeping continues, for seconds, stretching to long minutes and he feels like it’ll never stop. Little does he know, that he wouldn’t want it to stop. The people to whom the voices around him belong, do their best to keep the beeping. So, it continues. He lays there, the beeping, the voices, the unfamiliar mattress below him. He notices more and more with each passing second, minute, hour.

Something hurts, but he is still drowsy. He wants to keep sleeping, but suddenly, he can pinpoint the pain, he can feel his body, he is aware of his heart beating. The voices get louder, familiar, they are talking to him. He tries to move, his body fails him. There is something piercing his skin, he doesn’t like it. He lets himself get lost in his thoughts.

Lousy dreams, flowers blooming and blinding lights, people cheering. Is this a dream? It feels way too real. He is drowning on air, everything stops, his mind goes blank. Then he opens his eyes.

 

At first, everything is blurry. His eyes, his mouth, they are dry. But his eyes focus, at the man standing above his head, a dark shadow preventing the light of the room to reach his face. He forms words, just to make sure he can, that he is not dreaming. His tongue feels like a rock, at the bottom of his mouth and unable to cooperate.

The man takes some steps back, bright white light fills his vision and then, the form of his mother, right next to him, her eyes red, swollen. He can’t bear the thought that someone made his sweet mother cry. Deep down, he knows it’s him, again and again. She speaks, but he can’t hear her, she reaches but he can’t feel her light touch. He blinks slowly and exhales, and it hurts, like his ribs are rubbing on sandpaper.

Slowly, a little pressure and there it is, a hand on his own. His skin is burning, stinging, heavy on his own bones. His mother kisses his forehead, he can see her. Then she goes away, maybe out of his dream, maybe just out of the room, because someone else is there too. He sees the grey hair, the beard, the face matching his own, eyes lazy and hooded. He wants to sleep again, nobody disturbs him in his dreams.

His father steps close as well, not as close as his mother did. The man kept his distance all the times he wasn’t sick, there’s no reason he would dare come to him now. Their eyes meet and he can see it, his father is angry, he wants to scream at him, he wants to grab his collar and throw him out of his house. He messed up again.

He wonders if his brother is there too. He doesn’t remember when they last saw each other. Maybe his younger brother doesn’t love him as much. Maybe he sees him as a failure too. He tries moving again and something happens, just a finger, his hand and it is back down on the mattress again. His father is talking with the other man, his mother on a chair at the back of the room. He can feel his mouth being open, he closes it.

His brother steps inside the room. Such a heartily family reunion. Hyungsik stares at him in awe. “You did it this time brother” he would say. But he doesn’t smile. He scrunches his nose, his expression morphing to one of disgust and he looks away.

It takes time, people come and go. The man, the doctor gives him instructions, helps him regain control of his body. He stretches his neck and spots the IV dripping somewhere behind his head. He follows it and ends up looking at his hand, the needle lost between skin and bones.

He can’t recall the reason for being in that room. A hospital room, his mind helpfully provides. He’s sick. He must be very sick, for everyone to be there. Is he dying? He’s still too young, he doesn’t want to die. He can’t die. He asks for water and his voice sounds barely recognisable to him. But it is heard and another woman, a nurse brings him water. She adjusts the bed and she holds his head, helps him drink through a straw.

His father and brother have left. How typical of them. His mother is talking with the nurse. There are flowers, left near a window, opposed to the door. His coat had flowers, yellow and red and blue and purple. His shirt had stripes, black and white. His bag was a fiery red, matching his shoes. And his pants? He tries a bit harder. His pants were a soft brown. Hoseok said he looks like a tree. Hoseok... he was at work then.

 

He was at work but he doesn’t remember finishing. Was he hit by a car going there? No, no he wasn’t, since he remembers Hoseok. But he only wears a green hospital gown. Where did his clothes go? Does Hoseok know that he is at the hospital? Was he the one who brought him here? Did he left because of his father? Maybe, being punched by his father once was enough.

His mother takes a chair and places it next to his bed. She caresses his cheeks and takes the hair out of his eyes. She tries feeding him something like cream, tasteless, like all hospital food is supposed to be. He tries eating and it makes him feel a bit better. His hand moves to find hers. She kisses his palm and keeps it close to her heart. She asks if he wants something else to eat, if he wants her to cook something. He can’t bear the thought of letting her go.

“Don’t worry Hyungwon dear, you’ll be alright.”

 

He stays for two days in the hospital. There is an extra one, a day and a night he doesn’t remember. He collapsed at work the doctor said, a co-worker called the ambulance. His parents were quickly informed. He is suggested to see more doctors, of many kinds, to help him “deal with his problem”.

He agrees to everything, as long as they let him out and unplug the IV from his veins. He promises to eat, to be careful, to get more blood examinations that he already had. Everything seems awful. He needs to call his secretary, to hear that he didn’t lose everything, didn’t spoil the company’s name, didn’t create a scandal or put anyone in trouble.

His parents are there to pick him up with the car, saying they’ll drive him home. He soon realises, they are not going to his home. They are going to their home. The house he grew up in and set foot once every two weeks after leaving five years ago.

The parking spot, the door, the small garden. He was supposed to be happy, having the privilege of living in such a nice neighbour, with parents always boasting about his upbringing. He’s definitely not happy visiting the house again, like this, having only the clothes his mother brought him, relics from his teenage years and a small pile of papers on his hands.

He brother is in his room, studying, talking with his girlfriend, whatever it is that charismatic siblings do. He opens the door to his own room, a small space decorated with posters of bands he doesn’t listen to anymore and pictures of friends that have left him.

 

He searches the wardrobe, he’s cold. He wants to change from the hospital’s underwear and have a bath. He gets undressed, piece by piece, leaving everything neatly on the bed. His wardrobe smells like lavender and on the inside of its door there’s a mirror, burned in places, cracked in others. He stands in front of it, completely naked, looking at his reflection.

Hollow eyes stare back at him mockingly. Skin desperately clinging on bones. He counts his ribs, he could probably count each and every bone on his body if he tried hard enough. He sits on the floor and draws his legs to his chest, like a ball, but full of sharp lines, edges.

He looks at mirrors a lot, for work, at home. But never like this. Never without his make up, his expensive clothes, his boyfriend behind him, reminding him that he’s soon making it big. Now, in nothing but his own skin, he looks almost not human. A creature creeping out of a horror story. His hair is falling, he knew, but never paid enough attention, that’s why special shampoos are sold. His face is pale, his lips nothing without a bit of lip tint smeared on them.

 

Someone tries to open his door, which is locked from the inside so he doesn’t make any sound. “He must be sleeping, leave him for now”. The heavy footsteps go away. Funny how his father didn’t break the door. To find what’s left of his son and put some sense into him with his fists. He is not even worthy of that anymore.

He could try being a little like his brother. His little, wonderful brother, already finishing university, ready for joining the military, planning to get married right after it. At least one son came out good. The other just came out. He needs to contact Hoseok, he must be scared. Hoseok first, his secretary next. He doesn’t know where his phone is. He can’t use the house phone.

He stands up and looks through his drawers, finds a decent pair of shorts and a shirt. Everything is loose on him, the shorts threatening to fall on the floor and pool around his legs. He looks around a bit more, it’s his room after all. There are small treasures, hidden everywhere. Notes inside books, letters under his bed in an old shoe box, a dried up flower in an old pocket, gift from a boyfriend years ago. Everything is in place.

 

Sleep won’t come to him. When sleep doesn’t come, thoughts will and they do. He made his mother worry so much, putting himself in danger of dying, that’s what the doctor said. He never wanted to die, but he realises he also never helped his body live, in a way. He knows it’s wrong, he knows he’s hurting himself, he knows he will be criticised. But all these, all these were nothing, when the crowd cheered and the cameras flashed. But his life? Is he ready to sacrifice that, when they fanciest part of his life is already over?

The doctor said he has to make the decision, before his mind gets more affected by the sickness, that’s what he called it. Hyungwon doesn’t see it as one. It’s not like he has a flu, nor like being mentally disabled. It’s a lifestyle. One that he worked hard to achieve and maintain for the past years. All this will be destroyed, with one decision. For his life.

He looks at his hands, his legs. No better than a corpse’s. He feels like throwing up, imagining himself in a box, six feet under the ground. Throwing up will definitely make him feel better, it always does. He counts in his mind. The hospital food, the crème his mother fed him, that juice. It’s too much.

What is outside his door is too much to deal as well. He used to put his ear on the door, eye on the lock. He is doing that no more, no need. He can hear his parents fighting in the living room. He gets on his bed and covers himself, the old bed not cracking under his weight, like it used to.

The noise from the living room stops, his brother has some song playing but it doesn’t bother him. He is scared to get out of his room. He can do more examinations, more physique tests, more of everything. As long as they don’t hurt him, or lock him up in the house. He wants to go home.

Sleep eventually comes. 

 

Waking up in his old bed is strange, but having to take breakfast with his parents again is stranger. He takes the first long sleeved shirt he finds throwing it on his t-shirt and walks downstairs, to the kitchen where his father is reading the newspaper, glasses low on the bridge of his nose.

“Good morning.” He sits, his father folding the newspaper and sliding it across the table without a word. He takes it and before opening the sheets he spots a face on the first page. His own face. “Famous fashion reporter and ex-model Chae Hyungwon at hospital after fainting.” He takes a deep breath, of course the rival public agency would make something out of it. Under the headline, with smaller curly letters “Possible eating disorder is being examined”.

“Eat your breakfast.” His father is almost taunting, waiting for him to decline and then somehow make him feel worse. His stomach is in knots, the view of the full plates on the table nauseating.

“Your mother will be here soon as well, to talk.” After that, he can get a taxi to go home, have a nice, warm bath and get ready for work. He already missed enough.

He takes rice and eats slowly, trying to stretch the time, until his mother comes and food is forgotten. Nothing is more serious in this house than “talking”. Those long, tormenting conversations he had to endure some years ago resurface from the back of his mind. Hyungsik never got those, he was way too perfect to be scolded.

He hears the door being unlocked and his mother gets inside holding grocery bags. His father gets up to help her while she is taking her shoes off. Hyungwon watches the scene unfold, his chopsticks left on the pile of rice in his bowl. He supposes he should have helped too, in some way, but deep down is sure he will put the groceries in all the wrong places. Then he’ll get shouted at.

They all gather around the table at last, the atmosphere heavy, like it will rain. It’s just sunny and cold outside. His mother starts, looking at his father, for approval of her every word.

“Hyungwon, we, me and your father decided some things. You have the right to dismiss this conversation, but we think it would be wiser to listen and follow your parents’ wishes.”

“Okay.” He swallows, not quite liking his mother’s tone.

“You have a problem my son. A health problem. The doctor who treated you was kind enough to explain and give us different alternatives of taking care of your...problem.” His father takes the lead of the conversation, hands twisting the stray hairs of his beard.

“I can take care of myself. I will do all the recommended examinations, if that would please you.”

“If that would please us? You look like, like this and you dare say such words to my face? You have grown up to be an ungrateful son, but I know why, I know who made you like this.” Hyungwon doesn’t want to hear more. He already knows that his father was against his career, all of it. He doesn’t need to listen to his false ideas on repeat.

“Hyungwon dear, it would be better for you to live in a place where people can take care of you, for only a short while.”  Hyungwon is lost. He knows he can take care of himself, he is not sick, or old, or anything that would need assistance in everyday life.

“What kind of place is that you are talking about mother?” She reaches for the counter, where a white envelop is left open, a handful of leaflets and booklets inside.

Hyungwon takes a look at it. It’s a hospital. Through the pages, he spots bold words, “depression, addiction withdrawal, communication problems, eating disorders” and the list goes on. On some pages, pictures of the personnel, faking smiles and tending to patients who seem perfectly healthy and happy. It’s a mental health clinic, advertised like a holiday inn.

“It’s a nice place Hyungwon, it will help you.” His mother’s eyes are hopeful.

“I am not crazy...this is not a place for me.” He feels weak against his parents, entitled to not let them down.

“You have a problem, it must be treated, since you got yourself into that and cannot get well.”

He is tired of being the problematic child. Maybe subconsciously he is a little tired of himself. A tiny spark of hope lights up dark corners of his mind. He wants to save himself after all.

“I will think about it.” It’s a promise to his parents and a promise to himself.   
They looks pleased enough with this.

“Can I go home now?”

“You are already home.”

“I need to go to my apartment.” His father gives up, goes to his office. The end of their conversation.

“I will drive you dear, if you wait until I have everything ready for your brother’s lunch.”

 

His mother’s car always smells nice. Some times like cinnamon and others like vanilla. She is quiet while driving, careful on the road. His mother has been careful with everything her whole life. With her words too.

“I know that you don’t like what is happening. I know you have little control over it in reality. Please think about the clinic, just try it and maybe something good will get out of it.” They are in front of his apartment building already, car parked at an empty spot.

“I know you cannot believe it dear, but your father is so worried, as much as me. It hurts us to see you like this.” Hyungwon doesn’t try to protest. He remembers his own reflection the previous night. He is scared too. Before leaving the car, he hugs his mother tight and kisses her cheek. He promises himself to get better, for her.

Getting out of the car he notices the dark grey clouds at the sky.

 

His apartment is the same as ever, the smell of closure lingering on the air. He opens a window and leaves his clothes on the couch, heading straight to the shower. This house, unlike his parents’ makes him feel good about himself. Everything is neat, colourful, cleverly organised.

He picks his favourite soap from the big collection on his bathtub’s shelve. His sponge is soft on his skin and the water makes all the bad thoughts go away. He stays under the water a little too long, until it starts going cold. His fluffy towel is waiting and he walks around the house in just this, as long as it takes to dry up.

He has unanswered calls on his phone, all three from Hoseok. He calls back, knowing his boyfriend would be at work, but he can take a break. Hoseok constantly needs a break. The phone rings, but Hoseok does not answer, it must be left in silent mode, somewhere in his bag, typical.

Hyungwon does the laundry, makes his bed, cleans around a little and checks his available groceries. Which are in fact, more vitamins and health supplements than actual food. There are also the occasional fruits and vegetables he allows himself to eat. No shopping needed this week.

He opens his laptop, checking his social media, concerned messages from friends and “friends” flooding his notifications. He briefly answers everyone and then logs into his work email. He has unfinished articles and requests. He is positive he can catch up on them soon. He has much to do, health clinics can wait.

He checks the online version of the magazine as well, his page filled with other articles and photographs by someone else. He decides to make up for it with doing double the work he usually does. Then he takes a look at Hoseok’s page, the fake name he uses on top of the article, matched with a photo of a bodybuilder. Taken at some local championship, the title provides.

The phone rings loudly, Hyungwon reaches for it.   
“Hyungwon? Hello!” Hoseok’s sounds so tired, Hyungwon can guess he was just left off work.

“It’s me, how are you?”

“I’m fine. How are you Hyungwon? When did you get out of the hospital?”

Hyungwon ensures that there is nothing to be concerned about and he is doing alright. He adds that he’ll be going to work the next day, with a tea for himself and a coffee for Hoseok, part of their morning routine.

Hoseok suddenly sounds way more hesitant.

“Can I come over? I won’t stay long.”

He needs to start reminding Hoseok how much he loves and appreciates him more, he deserves it. They hung up and he waits for the twenty minutes it takes to get home from work.

 

Hoseok shows up at his doorstep with droplets of rain on his hair and coat. He is holding a box. They kiss at the doorstep and thankfully there are always clean clothes belonging to Hoseok around the house. Hoseok sits on the couch, leaving the box in front of him.

Hyungwon opens the strange present, to find his work belongings inside. Everything not work related he kept on his desk, placed inside it. He looks at Hoseok asking for answers, although it could only mean one thing. Hoseok clears his throat awkwardly.   
“They didn’t told you I guess...”

“No...”

Hyungwon couldn’t believe he was fired. He thought of asking for a chance, of showing his worth. They couldn’t be kicking him out like this, after three years of working non-stop.

“They contacted your previous agency I think.”

“Oh.”

That shouldn’t make much sense, but it somehow does.

This modelling agency, the one he devoted so many years to. The one stopping him from trying to get into university. It’s messed up and he doesn’t want to think about it.

He sits close to Hoseok. Asks him about his day, his articles, if he’s going to travel soon. He tells him about his parents and the clinic and what he remembers from the hospital. Hoseok, in his calm manner listens and answers and adds, his hand around Hyungwon’s waist.

Hoseok kisses up his neck and pulls him on his lap. Like this, so close with their foreheads touching Hoseok whispers how much he loves Hyungwon. Hyungwon would say it a hundred times more, if their mouths were not on each other.

He lets Hoseok go, lending him an umbrella. He is the one working early the next morning. They promise to spend more time together over the weekend and make up for the lost days. To search a new job for Hyungwon and watch movies.

 

He decides it’s one more sleepless night, his body tired, but his mind still overthinking. Once again on his laptop, now sitting on the couch between soft pillows he finds himself searching the clinic’s name. He prefers calling it just clinic. Pictures and the official site show up.

There is not much more than the information on the leaflets, but he knows it can’t be as good and carefree as it seems. The site has a pop-up menu of the activities available. First are the therapy sessions, individual and in groups, for every patient. He doesn’t think he needs that. There are also sports, tennis and basketball and swimming and more. Not really his forte.

Then, the last part features painting classes, music, baking, in smaller groups. Sounds like being on holidays indeed. There are pictures of the rooms, simple but not at all hospital like, having soft colours and some space for personalisation. Next is the spacious dining hall and the cafeteria and lastly the gardens, green fields dotted by flowers and wooden benches.

He looks some more, the contact information, the prices, little details. He smiles at a photo of two therapy dogs sitting side to side, their tongues out and tails wiggling. There is also a list of the main personnel, from psychologists to general doctors. It must be a huge place.

He shuts his laptop’s screen and falls asleep.

 

Hyungwon is confused, with himself. He is aware of the state of his body, he almost accepts that he needs help, but he is too proud to ask for it. So he searches, on the internet, in sites and forums. He is scared to give a name to his problem, not yet. But he finds answers, far from nice ones.

Organ failure and premature deaths. All kinds of blood and vitamin intake problems. Most untreated cases lead straight to death, either physical or suicide. He reminds himself that he doesn’t want that, not at all. He looks at the hospital papers again and again. He searches up every single examination he was asked to do. There are a lot.

 

He forgets he was gonna look for a new job, or that he was supposed to spend the weekend with his boyfriend. Hoseok calls and is too tired to come over anyway, they video chat for a short while. Hyungwon spends the rest of his time finding out more.

Images mirroring the state of his body that he can’t look at without feeling sick. Articles about purging, explaining how it gradually destroys his throat and stomach, his teeth even. It’s been a week since he last shoved a toothbrush down his throat. He is afraid of fainting again.   

He tries eating, making some soup and his stomach doesn’t let him eat more than a spoonful for every meal. Still, it’s a progress.

He finds himself ending up at the clinic’s site more often than not. It seems like the best choice, after every passing day. He decides to call a friend first.

 

Kim Himchan looks better than ever, in his newly dyed reddish brown hair and elegant clothing. They take a small table at their favourite café’s garden, sheltered for the winter. Hyungwon orders his plain americano, while Himchan has something with both sugar and cream. That’s too much calories.

“Work’s not going that well huh?” Himchan never filtered much his thoughts before talking. Hyungwon has become used to it. He gives the other man his cookies too.

“Nothing’s going well, at the time.”

Himchan takes his sunglasses off and tucks them in his coat’s chest pocket.

“You look like you were run over by a truck.”

“Thanks.”

Himchan is one of his very few, actual friends. They started together, working for the same model agency and Himchan, being older always had his way of taking care of Hyungwon. They were fired together, with a short two months difference, for the same reason. They kept in touch afterwards and Hyungwon had the chance to watch as Himchan altered to a more healthy self, while Hyungwon kept losing weight and praised himself for it.

The Himchan sitting with him now is beautiful. His skin is shiny and his hair is no more thinning and having to be cared for with special products. His cloths embrace his frame nicely and his smile is nestled between two rosy cheeks. Hyungwon feels almost bad, self-aware of the pile of bones he has become. Himchan gets the clue easily.

“You want to do something about yourself, because your ways have stopped feeling right, is that it?”

“I guess. You read about...”

“Yes, do you feel better?”

“I’m okay. I have a ton of examinations to go through. My parents are terrified.”

“Do you think they have the right to be?”

 

Hyungwon stares at his coffee, the ice cubes floating on the bitterly flavoured water. 

“I think they do. I am a bit too.”

“Been there. I can’t help you Hyungwon, only you can make yourself snap out of it.”

“I wanted your opinion on something actually.”

Himchan listens about the clinic, the nicely painted rooms and the smiling nurses. He looks at the pictures on Hyungwon’s phone. He shakes his head without commenting much on them. At the end, Hyungwon looks back at him, searching for approval. Himchan laughs.

“I think you have already made your choice, I also think it’s a wise one, it will help you.”

“What if it doesn’t work?”

“If you want it to work it will. I only had a nutritionist and a therapist, having a whole team and being in a safe place would be more effective I guess.”

“How is it like?”

“It took me almost a year and a half to reach a somewhat healthy weight. Some more months to actually start feeling better about myself. If you look at yourself and don’t like what you see, that’s a good start.”

They switch to lighter conversation, turns out Himchan’s business is running smoothly. He has a small, yet cosy store, selling furniture, mostly from freelance artists who create limited pieces and he’s quite proud of it. He promises Hyungwon a position there, when and if he feels like it. Hyungwon appreciates the offer and declines, for the time being. He still has more than enough money, until he decides on what to do next.

Himchan also asks about Hoseok and Hyungwon reveals that they had started thinking about marriage, on the long run. Himchan doesn’t seem that happy about it, but then again he never liked Hoseok much, reasons still unknown. Could be just his protectiveness over Hyungwon. Has happened with previous partners before.

Himchan on the other hand is still enjoying his single life, mentions how the party invitations from their ex co-workers keep coming. He’s not keen on settling with someone anytime soon. He winks saying this, sipping the last of his coffee and leaning back on his chair. Hyungwon didn’t realise how much he needed the conversation, with someone outside work, family, or Hoseok.

They part ways after hours of talking. They promise to see each other soon again. Himchan takes the bus to his home and Hyungwon goes to the underground train station. He feels lighter, a little empowered, like he has control over the stressful situation. He walks the rest of the way to his apartment from the station and clear air fills his lungs. He decides to call the clinic the very next morning.

 

Hyungwon wakes up around 10 and has his breakfast of coffee and three different supplements. His phone is on his desk, waiting next to his laptop. He takes as much time as he can drinking his coffee and making his bed. The rest of the house is already shining.

He sits and opens his laptop, finding the clinic’s page in his bookmarks. He checks again the days and times ha can call for information, just to be sure. He dials the reception’s number and the phone rings two times before a woman answers from the other end.

“Gyegol mental clinic. Good morning, how can I help you?” He would be convinced it’s an answer bot, if not for the background hustle, faint voices and the sound of steps.

“Good morning, I am...eh...I am interested in your services.”

“Of course sir, would you want to share more information or visit and talk with one of the doctors?”

“Visiting sounds better, do I need to book a date?”

“You can come any morning from eight to two, but we would be glad to be waiting for you on a fixed time as well.”

“I will probably visit tomorrow morning, thank you.”

Before hanging up, the receptionist takes his name and phone number, promising that someone will be waiting for him around eleven. She informs him of how to get there by car and wishes him a pleasant day.

Hyungwon then calls Hoseok, asks him to meet. He is at work and will pass the rest of the day there, since some important championship is going on and he is in charge of online updates, for the rest of the week. Hyungwon feels sorry, but also the tiniest angry that Hoseok can’t find an hour to squeeze him, even after explaining that he might be leaving out of his house for a while. Not much, a couple of weeks maybe.

The patients can wear their own clothes. He starts filling a duffel bag with some of his favourite. He skips skinny jeans and fancy shirts. The bag gets filled with soft sweaters and simple t-shirts. He makes a list of other things too. His toothbrushes, even if thinking that leaving one behind. Combs and gel for his hair, a second pair of shoes.

It’s enough for a week. He can do the laundry there, if he decides to stay a few more days. He hope he won’t have to. The rest of his wardrobe consists of nearly never-worn clothes from his model days. Deep cuts and provoking pieces. Nothing nearly suited for work, so they just stay there, waiting for the day he will somehow make them useful again. He thought of donating many times, but doubts that someone needs a bright yellow coat with one sleeve to keep themselves warm during the winter.

“Hey, mum, is dad home?” He can hear his mother shuffling around the house, sure she’s keeping her phone between her head and shoulder while ironing or doing the laundry.

“He’s at work dear, what do you need?”

“Is Hyungsik there then?”

“He’s at his room, do you need me to tell them something.”

“No, just you.”

 

His mother knocks on his door half an hour later, a bag definitely containing tupperware with treats in her hands. She looks concerned but Hyungwon hugs her and makes tea. She leaves her bag on his office and stays still and tense.

“It’s nothing bad, I promise.”

“Okay.” She smiles getting more comfortable.

Hyungwon brings her a cup of tea and leaves the other one without sugar on the table for him.

“I’ll go to the clinic tomorrow.”

“Oh! You decided it.” She seems better than a few seconds ago.

“Yeah...” Hyungwon wants her to speak more, to fill the silence, but she doesn’t, waiting for something from him.

“Are you sure about it dear?”

“I’ll find out, soon enough.”

“Will you drive there? I could take you with my car, or yours.” She takes her car key from her pocket and leaves it next to her tea.

“No, that’s alright, it’ll be only for a week, I think I can leave my car there.”

“Only a week? What if you need more...?”

Hyungwon frowns, although it’s a good question. He avoids thinking about it.

“Most people have way more serious problems than me. Why keep me that long?”

“Your problem is serious as well Hyungwon, you shouldn’t underestimate it.”

His mother helps him organise his duffel bag again. She can magically make space for more clothes and items and he packs one pair of khakis and a shirt too, just in case. She notices the two toothbrushes but doesn’t comment on them and just makes sure to leave some food as well, even when knowing that Hyungwon won’t eat it. It’s the same since he was going to high school.

When they sit down again it’s dark outside and his father has already called once. She answered that she is out with a friend and Hyungwon feels relieved. He wants his father to know as little as possible. His mother can read his mind.

“Do you want me to tell him?”

“Is it possible not to? Hyungsik neither.”

“Whatever you want dear.”

She promises to keep his stay, no matter how long, in the clinic a secret. Hyungwon mostly talks with her and his father and brother may not even notice his skipping one or two Sunday family lunches.

“I hope you know how much your brother loves you.”

“Hyungsik?”

“Yes Hyungwon, never doubt that he does.”

Hyungwon thinks of all the times Hyungsik had friends over and asked him to stay in his room because he was too embarrassed of people meeting his brother. Or how he always took the blame when they were younger and his brother never paid back or said he was thankful for not being scolded. Hyungwon doesn’t want to sadden his mother.

“I’m sure he does.”

“What about....” Hyungwon guesses right away. His mother is awkward when it comes to his relationships. Not judgemental nor unsupportive. Just still in slight shock that her son is openly gay.

“He has work, he won’t be able to meet me before going. It’s alright.”  
His mother nods and her expression reminds him a bit of Himchan’s.


	2. Chapter 2

There is not much traffic and the drive to the clinic takes approximately an hour. There are signs at the entrance and he finds the visitor’s parking with ease. He’s hesitant to exit his car, sending a message to his mother that he got there safely and then calling Hoseok. He doesn’t answer and Hyungwon puts the phone back to his pocket. He leaves his bag in the car, which he locks and walks back again to the main entrance.

First, he notices the gardens, a vast open space with grass and flowers. Further he can see what he believes must be basketball courts. People of all ages are strolling, sitting on the grass, playing cards on the benches. They look normal, not like what he had in mind when thinking of mental health clinics. The gates are open, with two security guards checking everyone who enters, but nobody from the inside is trying to leave, they look content.

There are three two-store buildings ahead, rock paths leading to their entrances. He walks to the bigger one, “Reception” written at the top of the two glass automatic door. The room is big as well, clean and looking much like a hotel’s reception space. There is wooden counter with three people working behind it. The rest of the space is occupied by couches and armchairs, with people watching television or talking.

Some heads turn when he enters but he doesn’t pay attention, going straight to the counter. There, a young man stands up to greet him with a handshake and asks him if he is visiting someone or is there for something else. Hyungwon mentions the call he made the previous day and the lady next to the man stands up as well, greeting and asking him to sit and wait at the lounge for a short while, until the doctor comes to see him.

He picks a chair, a little further than everyone else who is there. There is a drama playing on the screen and most are commenting on it. There is a woman playing with a child on the floor and between them, a nurse, in blue uniform is handing tea and cookies.

He takes his phone out, expecting to have a message from Hoseok. He has nothing and turns the Wi-Fi off. Maybe he is becoming too clingy on his boyfriend. The characters of the drama are walking hand to hand in the middle of Seoul and he wonders how long it has been since they were last out like this. He misses actual dates, instead of staying home and the occasional sex.

He shakes the thoughts away, when an older man approaches him smiling.

“Mr. Chae I suppose?” Hyungwon gets up and gives his hand.

“Yes, are you the doctor?”

“I’m Hyungsoo Kim, you can call me however you want.”

“A pleasure to meet you Mr.Kim.” The doctor’s handshake is steady but not too tight, friendly.

“Would you want me to give you a tour or go to my office to talk first?”

 

They start with the tour. The facility is sure huge. There are three buildings, two identical where the patient’s rooms are and the third one, where the offices and activity rooms are found. He already saw the garden at the front and then there are the courts, for basketball, football and tennis and two pools, one inside, one outside.

Dr.Kim opens some of the empty rooms for him to see and says that if he decides to stay they have enough space, so he can choose the view he wants. He likes the light brown rooms the most, at the far side of the building, overlooking the back pool. The window is locked and cannot be opened without a key, but he is able to see the people splashing and swimming. He wants to try it too, it’s been a long time since he was last at a pool or the sea.

All rooms have beds, a small desk with a chair and a closet and are connected to a tiny room with a toilet. The doctor explains that for safety reasons the showers are shared, but different for men and women. They visit them too and Hyungwon is pleased to see the cubicles, making the shower space private enough. There are nurses watching over the patients and helping when needed.

He likes the nurses too. As they walk around, he watches them interact with patients, smiling and handling them with care, speaking with respect and patience. He notices some patients who are visibly mentally disabled but apart from that he could not guess much about anyone else.

The cafeteria buzzes with life. He is informed that there is always some kind of food, even between the three main meals and at night, so that patients can snack or have something to drink whenever they want, unless prohibited by medical issues. They can have their main meals there or at the buffet in the dining room. Dr.Kim also mentions that they try to serve generally healthy food, but there are special occasions when they can get pizza or burgers. Hyungwon is amused, but not interested.

 

They pass by the activities rooms afterwards. There are people painting in one and singing in the other. There is creative writing and yoga. Theatre and cooking. It reminds Hyungwon of a big kindergarten of shorts. He notices something.

“Doctor, why are people walking around barefoot, even in the garden?”  
The doctor laughs.

“No actual reason, I guess they feel better like it. Everything is clean, so why not? I would walk around in socks all day if I could to be honest.” Seems like a good idea to Hyungwon.

Nobody would judge footwear choices in such a place, so why not skip it altogether.

The last places they visit are the pools, where classes are taking place at the moment and there is too much noise and last but not least the offices. The doctor shows him two separate areas of the second floor, one for individual counselling and the other for group therapy. He states that most patients receive both.

 

Doctor Kim’s office is there too. A well-lit comforting space with a couch opposed to the desk and a couple chairs. Hyungwon plops down on the couch and Dr.Kim picks a chair and takes a notepad with a pen on his hands.

“Mr.Chae, why did you decided to come here?”

“Please call me Hyungwon. My family recommended it.”

“Please tell me more about it, Hyungwon.”

Hyungwon tries to put everything into a chronological order, still not sure how much he wants, or is supposed to say. Still, he talks about his family, just a brief introduction of them and then moves on to his modelling career. Starting at age sixteen, with a still developing body and his mind set on the money and fame. Soon, people started offering him things, pills, new diets, offers to sleep with him. He only denied the third kind.

He started losing more weight every week, addicted to the numbers on his scale going down. They agency’s managers were not happy with it. They straight up told him that if he was a girl they would encourage it, but nobody likes a skinny boy. They gave him a month in which he didn’t really try to do much, thinking they needed him, but at the end, they just kicked him out.

His loss of weight continued until he could simply lose no more. It was around when he got accepted in a publishing company, writing in its fashion magazine, when he started living off supplements and water. He learnt tricks to keep him productive, he started sleeping a lot.

He recalls how he met Hoseok, at the printing room. He needed to fill a form and stumbled upon the other man who was scanning a book. Hoseok prefers reading from actual paper rather than the computer screen. And they talked for a bit. Later, they exchanged numbers and started finding each other around the company, by accident. Hoseok is a sports reporter. He plays rugby. He’s well-built, every girls dream. It took two months of dating before they made their relationship official.

 

He starts hesitantly about his latest hospital visit, the doctor’s eyes encouraging. He tells about the doctors, the examinations and how scared he came to be of dying. Doctor Kim assures him that it is a quite reasonable fear. He leaves the notepad aside and makes some questions. He speaks clearly, saying that Hyungwon obviously suffers from an eating disorder, probably anorexia. Hyungwon was trying to avoid the word all along.

“If I decide to stay, will you be my therapist?”

“Would you want that?” Dr.Kim’s voice is soothing, he likes talking with him.

“Maybe.” Hyungwon chuckles. He literally knows nobody else there.

“Can I see the papers you mentioned? From the hospital.”

Hyungwon hands him an envelope, with everything inside. Dr.Kim takes a look at each paper and leaves it on a pile on his legs.

“Do I need to be examined before staying here?”

“I think you can do all of this in our medical centre. There are a lot of patients with chronic physical illnesses. Having them go out of the clinic for examinations would be unconventional.”

“Understandable.”

“Is there anything else you want to know?”

“What about group therapy?”

“It’s not conducted by me, if that’s what you are asking. Usually in groups of five to ten people.”

“Which all have the same...problem?”

“As far as I know, diversity of situations and backgrounds is preferred. You’ll see for yourself.”

He doesn’t have anything else he urgently wants to know, but he feels safe in the office and wants to stay longer. He feels a little bad he’s keeping the doctor from his other activities, but can’t help making more conversation.

“The people here, all look so friendly. The patients I mean. I did not expect that.”

“You are not the first one to say this. Sadly, mentally ill people are usually depicted as violent and harmful. Some of our patients in fact are, but rarely to other people and even more rarely on purpose. Most, like you are only harmful to themselves.”

Hyungwon feels the impact of the words, stands up to leave, the room suffocating him. He wants to go out, to the garden.

“It was nice meeting you, Dr.Kim. I suppose I’ll need to visit the reception again.”

“Did you decide to stay?”

“Yeah...”

 

The rest is quite easy, with his mind set on staying the less days possible, to become well, translated by him to stop being in actual danger of dying, before achieving his dreams. He goes to his car again, takes his duffel bag and returns to the reception, asking to complete all the necessary paperwork.

The clinic is far from cheap, but he has money. He makes the payment to be done directly from his credit card and writes down his emergency contacts, his mother and Hoseok. Then everything else, from personal information to his medical record, which will be thoughtfully exterminated and completed by a general doctor after he settles.

They ask him if he has in mind a room he wants to pick and he agrees on room 106, with a great view of the pool and much light every morning, painted in grey colours with brown furniture. He waits to get a key for it, but it turns out there are no keys. They assure him, his personal time will never be interrupted, unless there is an emergency.

His first schedule is printed, with blank spaces he can fill with the activities he will choose. Minimum one, maximum four. He is reminded to take it slow and not push himself from the start. There are also days and times for individual and group therapy and nutritionist appointments. A nurse is called to take him to his room and help him with his belongings.

 

The nurse guides him to the first floor. Turns out that the three buildings are connected with each other from the inside, with bridge like constructions. She unlocks the door and a room identical to all others, with the colour palette he was expecting is in front of him. He steps inside and leaves his bag on the bed.

“Mr. Chae, could I take a look in your bag? There possibly are items you cannot keep with you.”

Hyungwon makes space for her and watches small and delicate hands take out his belongings and leave them on the bed. She looks at his shaving razors and his toothbrushes for too long, but leaves them at the end.

“Can I have your cell phone Mr.Chae? Your car key too. They will be safely kept and given back to you upon your leave.”

Hyungwon searches in his coat’s pocket for his key and hands it with his phone. It’s not worth to put up a fight over it.  
   
“What if I want to receive or make calls?”

“There are phones you can use all around, I’m responsible for this section and will be happy to assist you if you need anything. The closer phone is in my office, at the end of the corridor, please feel free to come if you need anything or want to make a call.”

Hyungwon shakes his head and takes a look at the corridor, spotting the office at the end, with its glass door open.

“Do you want me to help you put everything in your closet?” She finds his pills and takes them, two small plastic bottles in a bag, with his phone and keys.

“I’ll do it myself, if it’s okay. Can I stay alone for a while?”

“Of course, Mr. Chae. There is a clock next to your bed, so you can check the times for your schedule. I’ll see you around!”

She leaves happily and seconds later Hyungwon can hear her opening a nearby door. He climbs on the bed, which is unexpectedly soft and comfortable.

 

It’s strange, how he is at some clinic. That he is gonna start therapy, which he has never tried before, but definitely thought about it. He wonders if that answer from Hoseok ever came, but he can’t bring himself to care more about it. He checks his program, starting from the current day and expanding to the rest of the week.

There are some doctor appointments, later in the same afternoon. He’ll visit the nutritionist at A07 the next day and he’ll have his individual therapy afterwards. Therapy sessions are scheduled on Wednesday and he starts wondering how that will work if he stays only one week. Maybe they’ll ask him to come just for it afterwards.

He gets up and moves his clothes in the closet, takes his shoes off and leaves them next to his door. Socks indeed feel nice, the carpet soft beneath his feet. He takes a look at the pool again, where the lessons have ended and there are less people, swimming from one end to the other. It’s too cold and a bit foolish not to use the inside pool, in his opinion.

He leaves his purse with toothbrushes, toothpaste, razors and his hair gel on the sink’s shelve in the tiny WC, then tries to open the window which turns out to be locked, like all others. Hyungwon decides to visit the garden, puts his jacket and shoes back on and exits the room, turning around to lock his door, forgetting that he can’t.

 

At 107, across him a man has stopped at the door and is watching him fascinated.

“Hello.” The man is as tall as him, but muscular and way more tanned, with two crescents for eyes.

“Good morning, are you new here?” His voice is deep, but words come out slow and clear.

“Yeah, I’m Hyungwon.”

“Nice to meet you Hyungwon. I’m Hyunwoo.”

There is an awkward silence, in which Hyungwon realises Hyunwoo is not wearing any shoes and suddenly feels the odd one.

“It’s strange that you can’t lock, isn’t it? Don’t worry, nobody will enter except the cleaning ladies and you’ll get used to it.”

Hyungwon doesn’t know what else to do but agree with a nod.

“I have to be somewhere, see you around Hyungwon!” Hyunwoo waves a paper, his own schedule and walks down the corridor, to the main building.

 

He skips lunch, spending all the spare time he has in the garden. Nobody asks him what he is doing or tries to drag him to eat. Most patients politely smile at him and return to whatever they are doing. It’s quite cold, but living in the centre of Seoul he missed the green, the trees and the flowers.

He walks to the courts and watches other play. He was never good at sports, too sloppy in his movements and too easy to steal the ball from. He fell down and hurt himself a lot when he was younger.

Usually he preferred to spend his time doing his homework alone in the class and later, smoking in the toilets with his friends. Until they were caught and his father was called to school, slapping Hyungwon in front of the headmaster and his friends, before dragging him home.

He has attended sports events with Hoseok before, they had a lot of free tickets. Hoseok was usually too technical about it, whatever sport it was, while Hyungwon didn’t even know the basics. He just liked the atmosphere of too many people cheering and shouting for their team.

There is a yard for mini golf too. He could try it and probably be bored after missing the first hole a couple times. He laughs with himself and continues looking around, ignoring his stomach protesting. He remembers that he last ate with his mother the previous night, so he can do a full day.

The guy who is already playing smiles at him and calls him to come closer.

“Do you want to play?” He asks, giving Hyungwon a spare club from a bag.

“I’ve never played before, I don’t know how.”

“I’ll teach you then!”

He spends all of his time until his appointments with the overexcited bleached blonde guy, learning how to play gold. He manages the first two holes and is close to figuring the third one, but has to go. He promises to go play golf again soon.

 

The medical quarters, taking up the left side of the main building are buzzing with life. Doctors with white robes and patients in various stages of getting undressed are walking around. There is a secretary there, which he asks for his appointment and she sends him for blood examinations first.

There are two nurses inside, both males. They ask him to take his jacket off and his hoodie if needed. It doesn’t because the sleeve is too lose on his hand and Hyungwon can roll it up enough. They are gentle with him, trying to find a vein for some time and they both check if it’s right. The nurse who’s in charge of drawing blood tells him to close his eyes and take a deep breath.

He barely feels the needle and when he opens his eyes he watches his blood travel up the transparent plastic tubes and into a labelled bottle with his name and some numbers. One more deep breath and they are done. The second nurse gives him orange juice and biscuits. He says he doesn’t want to eat but they are obligated to keep him until he does. He feels light-headed already, the juice helps.

Next he visits the general doctor, an old man, but soft-spoken. He is ordered to take his clothes off and sit on the bed while the doctor is taking his blood pressure, checking his throat and asking him if he feel pain somewhere in his body. He doesn’t and asks if he can keep taking his supplements.

The doctor rubs his eyes and exhales. Tells him that he was not supposed to be taking these pills in the first place and he needs to start eating actual food. Fat in small portions will help for a start, the nutritionist will be able to tell him more.

The doctor asks for allergies, Hyungwon has none. Any chance for having a sexually transmitted disease, very close to none. Hyungwon is happy to hear that he won’t need to go through more examinations, like the X ray scans prescribed, not until his blood exams are out. The results will determine what else they’ll need to do and help his nutritionist.

He considers going straight back to his room and then thinks about a visit to the dining hall, since it’s almost dinner time. There is a buffet, starting with salads, then meat and rice and pasta and lastly deserts. He is glad to see there is both a variety of Korean and western food, since he never liked the second much, but there’s more to choose, theoretically.

 

Practically, his stomach can’t manage nothing more than plain rice and a cup of tea. He reminds himself that he is still making progress, even if everyone else is filling their plates with chicken and pasta with sauce, then get their second pieces of cake. He would want to have cake too, but the idea of purging afterwards disgusts him.

A girl sits on the chair next to his own, her tray featuring only some salad and water. She looks like the girls he met back at the modelling agency.

“You are the reporter who was at the newspapers a week ago, right?” He doesn’t like the conversation starter choice much.

“Yes, that’s me.”

“And you decided to come here?”

“Apparently.”

“I’m Lee Sunmi” she says, then lowers her voice to a whisper “I’m here for the same reason.”

“Okay.” Hyungwon just looks at her.

“Have you been here for long?”

“Just came this morning. You?”

“It’s my forth month.”

That’s a lot. She doesn’t even look that bad.

“Are you leaving soon?”

“I realised I need to stay some more, I like it here.”

“Like it?”

“Someone is always taking care of me.”

Hyungwon eats his rice in silence with the girl munching her lettuce slowly, when she lifts her head again and looks at him.

“Can I say something?”

“Yeah?”

“I was a big fan of you a couple years ago. I wanted to be a model too.”

Hyungwon wonders if he is the one who did this to the girl. If she was looking up to him only to end up in a mental clinic and obviously not becoming a model. He wants to ask her if there are more girls and boys like her who decided that looking pretty in front of cameras is more important than being healthy.

“I hope you are a fan of me no more.” He says jokingly.

“I might become again, or your first friend here, maybe?” She smiles and Hyungwon can’t help but smile back.

He walks Sunmi back to her room, at the second floor and then finds himself nervously walking back and forth in front of the nurse’s office at the end of the corridor. She appears after some minutes.

“Mr. Chae? Is anything wrong?”

“Please call me Hyungwon.”

“Hyungwon.”

“Can I...call my mum...and boyfriend.”

“Of course sweetheart, come with me.” She doesn’t even flinch at the mention of a boyfriend. He feels like he’s in a fictional faraway place, outside of Korea, where he would get beat up in the street for walking with Hoseok.

He calls his mother first and she sounds happier that she has been for the past three years. She promises to visit him on the weekend and bring him clothes, home-made food and covers for his bed from home. He feels he could become a good son again, at least for her.

Hoseok answers with voice rough from sleep and Hyungwon apologises for waking him up. Hoseok sounds shocked that he actually decided to stay in the clinic, tells Hyungwon it’s a bit of a foolish decision. Whatsoever, he promises to visit as well sometime and hangs up to continue his sleep.

 

Hyungwon likes his new bed. The covers are not itchy and the mattress shifts pleasantly under his weight. He steals a few more minutes of sleep in the morning before the nurse knocks softly on his door announcing that breakfast is being served.

He has tea again and takes a chocolate biscuit. The diets he had set for himself was below three hundred calories per day and the less he received the better he felt. It’s been around two years since he last ate a full unhealthy or just fatty meal. He stopped eating much food altogether after a long period of switching between not eating anything and binging on snacks and sweets. It was around the time he realised he hated himself, the extra curves only he could see.

He gathered information from the internet, from people he knew were fasting, from the girls at the agency. Even after losing more than 10 kilos, he didn’t stop, nor after losing his work. The publishing company paid him more anyway, so it was his win after all.

Through the years he always received negativity for his body. From his classmates to his co-workers, nobody was accepting of his weight. Always too skinny. He learnt to dress appropriately, long shirts and loose pants. They could only notice his bony fingers working on the computer or the way he took his coffee every day, black.

 

He watches as Jackson, the guy with whom he played golf the previous day is happily filling his plate with everything available on the buffet, then putting honey cereal and milk in a bowl and sitting on a table with others, his friends. He can’t see anyone else sitting alone and he wonders where Sunmi is, the spare chair irritating him.

He finishes breakfast and takes a long walk at the garden, stretching his muscles, letting his bones crack and feeling ready to start his day. His first day there. He already has the realisation that he’s staying for longer than a week. It’s scary that it doesn’t disturb him. But he has nothing to lose. He doesn’t have any job to go. His boyfriend wouldn’t be available even if he was not there. His home is a mess and his brother will want to have friends over.

Hyungwon gets to the nutritionist’s office. His name is Dr.Kim Junsu and the waiting room before his office is decorated with pictures of nature. On a table in the middle of the room there are health magazines and a goldfish swimming around fake algae, in a clear glass bowl. The nurse who welcomed him is typing in her computer and faintly humming a tune.

He is anxious. He knows the nutritionist is a doctor. He knows he’ll need to follow whatever instructions he’ll get. He also feels like it took so much time, effort and restrictive life choices to get where he is. It’s like he’ll knock down all of his own work. Which will be knocked down from the inside if he doesn’t do something, he reminds himself again.

Dr. Kim, like everyone else is friendly with him. His office has baby blue walls and Hyungwon finds it kind of hilarious. The chairs are a deeper shade of blue and his office white. The nutritionist takes a seat and asks Hyungwon to move beside him.

“Good morning Mr....” he looks at a document opened on his computer, “Chae Hyungwon.”

“Hello.” The screen has his name on it, the previous day’s date and many words and numbers.

“I have your exam results here, I thought we could take a look at them together for a start.”

Dr.Kim explains every number on the screen, answers Hyungwon’s questions and assures him that everything will be okay. There are too many numbers way too low or high. His body is already malfunctioning, the hormones, the vitamins, his blood. Nothing works the way it’s supposed to.

“We’ll take it slow. I know you cannot start eating a lot right away, but we will be trying for a bit more every week. How does that sound?”  
Hyungwon can only mutter a “yes” his examinations not leaving his mind.

“Do you want to set a goal and work towards it? It will take more than a year Hyungwon.”

Hyungwon gulps, his throat dry.

“What kind of goal.”

“Twenty kilos. That’s how much would be considered healthy, for your height and body type.”

“Okay.”

Dr.Kim smiles and Hyungwon can’t help but smile back.

The plan is for his body to stop relying on the supplements and start working with real food again. His new weekly program includes fruits and vegetables, sweets, meat and fish and snacks. He doesn’t even remember what fish smells like.

 

“Don’t push yourself to eat if you feel like you can’t. You’ll get sick. I need you to try and it will be hard at the start, but it’ll get better. You will enjoy food Hyungwon and that’s half the happiness in eating. I’ll see you again next week, but don’t hesitate passing by if you want anything. Apart from what’s written in your program, you can eat whatever else you want for now.”

Hyungwon thanks the man, goodbyes the nurse and walks around, ending up in front of the art classes. He has enough time but doesn’t enter. He watches others from outside. Everyone is making a portrait and every portrait is so different. Colourful, monochrome, realistic or not, the painters chatting with each other or working alone, the instructor walking around the room and talking to them, encouraging to keep painting.

He goes back to his room, to his little bathroom. He washes his face and takes his contact lenses off. He takes the thick black pair of glasses off his closet and wears them. It feels much better, no one to judge him. He can walk around in his socks and messy hair and awful pair of glasses all he wants. It’s a new kind of freedom.

 

The other Dr.Kim, his therapist is waiting for him with arms crossed on his chest and two scorching tea cups on his heavy wooden desk. He offers one to Hyungwon and lets him pick between a chair and the couch. Hyungwon likes the chair more, with Dr.Kim sitting opposed to him, with his notebook. He barely uses it and Hyungwon as always enjoys having someone’s attention on him.

Dr.Kim gives him a new kind of attention. He doesn’t ask about the new season and which colour of shirt he should prefer with his new shoes. Dr.Kim asks Hyungwon about his family and his work and Hoseok and his views on life. Hyungwon talks and talks and it feels like hours are passing.

“You’re keeping a lot inside you. Why do you think that happens?”  
Hyungwon’s mind goes back to his parents.

“My father never listened to me. My mother always took his side when they were together. I learnt to stop talking to them when it wasn’t necessary.”

“How about work? You had a good position. How do you feel that you got fired.”

“I did not deserve being fired. I worked a lot and hard for the magazine and the company. All the higher ups were happy with my performance before...the incident.”

“You call going to the hospital the incident, right? Tell me about it.”

There is an endless list of questions, it’s exhausting but at the same time makes him feel so good. He can talk about anyone and anything he wants, without the information leaving these four walls. That must be some kind of power.

“Have you ever hurt yourself, in any way?”

Hyungwon hesitates, knowing it’s gross. His dirty little secret. Maybe sharing with someone will make him feel ashamed enough to cut it.

“I purge. A lot. It’s been around a week since the last time.”

“How often does it usually happen?”

“Every day.”

“What made you stop for now?”

“I’m scared of going back to the hospital.”

“Okay Hyungwon, we can work with that. Make yourself sure you are not going back to the hospital.”

There is no more time left, Hyungwon talking about his brother. Dr.Kim informs his that their time is up and if he is fine with it they’ll be having sessions once every week. Hyungwon is already looking forward to the next one. Before leaving, Dr.Kim stops him with his hand on the door handle. He doesn’t look any sort of intimidating, only understanding.

“I want you to know that a usual therapy circle lasts around six months. You mentioned that you expect to stay less, which I wish you, but please keep it in mind.”

“Yes doctor, I think that will be okay. It seems nicer than I expected it to be.”

“Make some friends, starts doing activities and be sure to have a lot of stuff to tell me next week then!”

Hyungwon giggles, making no sound but feeling his chest vibrate,

“Okay Dr. Kim, I will.”

“Please call me Hyungsoo, I’m not that old.”

 

There is commotion on the corridor in front of Hyungwon’s room. Specifically, next to it. Nurses go in and out of the room 104 and someone is shouting. It’ll be unlikely for the nurses to be so noisy, even with difficult patients. Nobody notices him drawing closer to the open door and taking a look inside.

There are two nurses, holding someone down and a third one talking to him in a low, steady voice. The patient looks young. He’s thin but keeps trashing around for long. He tries kicking the nurses, punching and biting them. They keep him in place, patiently talking.

Hyungwon takes a better look at the boy. He’s wearing old, dirty and worn clothes, ripped everywhere and patched with different colours. He swears the whole room smells bad, even from where he is standing at the door. Then he notices his hands, full of red dots and dried up blood. It’s scary and disgusting and the boy keeps shouting until his limps fall lifeless on the floor and he can’t fight any more.

Hyungwon stays for a little longer, watching the nurses sit on the floor with the boy who is barely able to keep his eyes open and are talking to him. Hyungwon doesn’t hear anything and before his curiosity gets the best of him the section’s nurse appears and takes him back to his room.

 

“What happened with him? Is he okay?”

She sounds apologetic somehow.

“I’m sorry you had to see this. He came a few hours ago, he’ll be a little difficult to deal with the first days. Don’t worry, he will not hurt you.”

Hyungwon didn’t even think about it. He is just curious and concerned, for his new neighbour.

“Can I ask what he has?”

“Substance abuse. I can’t tell much, only that the first days will be difficult for him.”

 

The noise from 104 dies down, Hyungwon gets tired of looking out of his window and rearranging his closet so he heads to the showers. The ones for his section are really close to his room. He wears his flip flops.

A nurse is at the door with a basket of fresh towels and personal shampoo bottles and Hyungwon takes his share. The shower has enough room to leave his clothes without getting wet and there is warm water available. There are a couple other patients he assumes, from the water sounds around him, but he can’t see anyone and he is happy nobody can see him as well.

The water on his body feels great, even without his aromatic soaps and in-shower Bluetooth speakers. He dries himself up, puts on a clean set of clothes and leaves the towel at the nurse, wishing him a good evening.

 

The door next to his own is half open and he spots a figure, the boy from earlier curled up on the floor, at the end of his bed. He looks miserable.   
“Hey new neighbour.” he says, keeping his voice down.

“Go the fuck away.” The answer comes, between gritted teeth.

He returns to his room closing the door behind him.

 

Hyungwon has a completely spare day and spends it going up and down the main building, trying to pick activities to join. He can change every week and there are papers with everything that is going on around. He just prefers to discover it himself.

His stomach failed him at breakfast and he tries more at lunch. He has chicken fillet and porridge, takes a seat at a quiet corner of the dining hall and looks at it until he hates himself for not trying to have a bite. Sunmi joins him with a bowl of salad and he starts eating, more out of politeness, mirroring her. She asks how it’s going and Hyungwon tells her about his new neighbour.

“There are a lot of people coming here for alcohol or drugs. Only a few actually make it.”

“Make it? Out of here?”

“They usually snap out of their obsession only for enough time to get released. Then they overdose again and get back here. Some die.”

“I see...”

“Your appetite has improved!”

Hyungwon looks down at his plate, the fillet almost untouched and the porridge only a few bites less. 

“I guess...”

She gives him her best smile and agrees to go listen to her singing with the choir later.

He checks on his neighbour going back to his room but the door is closed and there’s no hint of someone being inside. He remembers what Sunmi told him and hopes the boy will be okay. He looks really young.

Hyungwon lies on his bed and stares at the ceiling. The room was cleaned while he was away, the sheets changed.

He thinks about himself. Brings his hands on his chest and runs them down on his ribs above his shirt. There’s nothing between his skin and bones and he feels sad. Like he is less of a man, compared to Hoseok, compared to his brother, compared to every man out there with his face printed on advertisements on the streets. He wonders how came he haven’t noticed earlier. That he fits the feminine standards of beauty, the ones existing at the modelling industry and outside of it.

He creates in his mind an alternative reality, where he lives in the gym and eats 3000 calories every day. Would he be healthier like this? Would he be able to keep his job? Probably neither, but he wouldn’t be in a mental clinic, nor being called a skinny fag by his father for the biggest part of his life.

It’ll be funny to become buff. Then Hoseok may actually want him. Won’t be embarrassed to be seen in public together and won’t only spend time at home. Hyungwon was a fool to think Hoseok was in love with him. He was more of a fool to fall in love. He’s wondering how they are still together. But of course, he’s waiting for the breaking up call, while Hoseok never picks his phone.

He might be having an affair. It disturbs Hyungwon, it upsets him, but it’s to be expected. Hyungwon was Hoseok’s affair once, before Hoseok broke up with his previous girlfriend. Hyungwon thought of himself as irresistible, being spoiled with fancy dinners and expensive trips. That was for a few months.

Then Hoseok got promoted and work was more important. It was alright because work was important for Hyungwon too. It’s been only a few days and he can see the endless list of faults he was at. Hoseok might have been the most careless one. Then again, he loathes to see him once more, maybe spend the night with him, to say a proper goodbye and then proceed to burn all of the sports magazines with his articles, crying.

There is laughter coming from the pool. Who would have thought that a mental clinic would seem like an utopic place compared to the outside world? Not Hyungwon for sure. He is almost grateful to his parents for deciding to politely dump him in this place. He imagines his father at work or with his friends, people asking him if his son is the guy on the newspapers.

 

His father would look away and answer that it’s just the same name, no relation with the anorexic fashion reporter. Then he’ll sip his coffee and talk about politics and football. Whatever his father is talking about with other people. He wants to know if his mother would be the same. If she would talk about him to her friends or set her eyes downcast and decline talking about her other son.

Hyungsik would either forget about him or make fun of the situation. Hyungwon is alone in this. His lunch feels uncomfortable in his stomach. He’d feel better vomiting it out. Then he would have to go to his therapist, look at him and tell that he purged. It makes him feel worse. He leaves his spare toothbrush untouched for one more day.

 

Later in the afternoon he meets Sunmi and they go together to the choir. It’s a spacious room, with a piano and seats for other instruments, only two guitars currently there. There are some people standing and warming their voices.

“Do you want to try singing with us?”

He declines and takes a seat at the other side of the room, where a nurse and one more girl are sitting already. Hyungwon doesn’t like his voice. It’s too soft, too low in volume, when he is talking with someone he needs to make effort to be heard. He enjoys singing alone at home sometimes, when there’s nobody to judge him and he very well knows how off-key he is.

Someone plays the piano, a flute joins, violin, they start singing and it’s good. It’s one of these old songs the radio stations play early in the morning or late in weekday evenings.

There are about twenty people synchronising for the song, following the instruments. They seem to have been working together for long, must have been in the clinic for long.

 He stays for the whole two hours listening to the singing, finding himself mouthing the song lyrics towards the end. The happy atmosphere in the room has lifted his mood, he thinks about trying to sing with them the next time. His voice won’t be distinguishable from the others around him if he’s too off. He waits for Sunmi to talk with others and then she comes up to him, asks him if he liked it. They go for dinner and Hyungwon manages to eat a whole bowl of salad.

 

He is standing in front of room M03, for his group therapy session. He is fourteen minutes early and anxiously walks around. The room’s door is closed and he doesn’t dare knock or open it. He is waiting for the therapist and the other people, curious about the rest of the group. Will they have eating disorders? Will they be quiet and easy going or loud and irritating? There are very few patients filling the second category though, as far as he has noticed. Will they judge him or be supporting because they have been through worse problems themselves?

Someone arrives, a short boy, looking at the door.

“Is it locked?” He asks and Hyungwon shrugs.

“I’m not sure, I just came here.” The boy doesn’t answer, leaning on the wall and taking out an mp3, one headphone in his ear, the other thrown around his neck. Hyungwon looks at him. Short and thin, with light brown hair and acne scars all over his cheeks. He is wearing a black hoodie and jeans, looks like he came straight from his high school. 

Hyungwon is relieved to see the second person that comes, the guy from 107. Hyunwoo stops in front of him and smiles, looking at the boy and then at Hyungwon.

“Hello Changkyun” he gets a wave back, “hello, are you new? I’m Hyunwoo.”  
Hyungwon looks at him, extends his hand for a handshake.

“I’m Hyungwon, actually I think we met, my room is 106.”  
Hyunwoo’s mouth forms an “o”. Changkyun moves to his side, almost protectively, his hand tugging on Hyunwoo’s sleeve. He looks like a lost puppy.

“We probably have if you say so, it’s okay. Still happy to meet you...”

“Hyungwon.”

“Hyungwon, I won’t forget it.” He looks dedicated not to.

“Hello guys!” A man with a wide smile steps in front of the door and unlocks it, keeping it open for everyone. Hyunwoo and Changkyun greet him as well, Hyungwon inspects the new room. It has ten chairs, forming a circle in the middle of it. On the walls, there are paintings, articles from newspapers and photographs.

“And you must be Chae Hyungwon, is it okay to call you just Hyungwon? I am in charge of group therapy, Jung San’s the name, glad to have you with us Hyungwon, pick a seat and let’s wait for the rest of the guys.”

He sure talks a lot and quickly and in a much friendlier manner than the rest of the staff. Hyungwon picks the chair closer to the door, opposed to Mr. San. Who he realises Changkyun calls just “San” and he mustn’t be that older. Around eight to ten years probably.

“The weather sure is nice today, don’t lose your change to go out for a stroll at the garden, right?”   
Hyunwoo keeps smiling stoically while Changkyun pulls his hood up and looks at his mp3’s tiny screen.

San is radiating good energy.

Two more guys come inside the room, both with blinding, completely white hair. They play-fight about who’ll get first through the door and the slightly bigger one wins, after ending up to rock-paper-scissors. The therapist seems unfazed by the scene and happily greets them while they take their seats. They at some point notice Hyungwon. One of the them moves to sit beside him.

  
“I’m Minhyuk! This is Jooheon!” He’s grinning, leaning in Hyungwon’s space and having way to much energy just after breakfast.

“Now Minhyuk, if you could wait just for a bit, we have someone else coming here today.”

“Two new people! Jooheon was kind of down that we were only four after Gunhee left but it’s time to make new friends!”

Jooheon mutters a “yeah” from three seats to Hyungwon’s left and takes a notebook out of his bag. Inside the pages there are sketches and pieces of paper with something written. He walks up to the wall and puts them up with tape. Takes some steps back and looks at how they blend with the rest of the composition on the surface.

“What is it Jooheon?” San asks, getting closer to take a look himself.

“I wrote two new songs and I wanted to leave them here. Then there’s this article about a lost puppy that got found far away from his family and got returned. It made me happy.”

“See Hyungwon, you can bring whatever makes you happy for the wall too, everybody has their little space and you can see what makes them happy too.” Hyungwon makes a mental note to look what the others have put there.

The door opens again and there is a nurse standing, holding someone by the shoulder.

“I hope we are not late Mr. Jung.”

“Come inside, you are Kihyun right?”

The nurse lets the boy get inside by himself and closes the door. Kihyun steps in the middle of the chairs trying to decide where to sit, ending up next to Changkyun. He looks grumpy. Hyungwon realises it’s the kid from 104, unrecognisable with new clean clothes and definitely after a bath.

“Now that we are all here, I want everyone to introduce yourselves and maybe share your reasons for joining our sessions.”  
San looks at Hyunwoo playfully, winks once until he gets the clue.

“I am Son Hyunwoo, I am here because I have memory problems, nice to meet you.”

“I am Im Changkyun. I have generalised anxiety.”

“Yoo Kihyun.” They wait, but he doesn’t say anything else.

“Jooheon, Lee eh...I guess violent tendencies?”

“I am Chae Hyungwon, I’m here because I was killing myself.”

They guy sitting next to him turns around and looks at Hyungwon straight in the eyes.

“Lee Minhyuk, I’m here because I still want to kill myself. “


	3. Chapter 3

“We are gonna talk about this Minhyuk, right?”  
Minhyuk’s expressions gets back to his moderate happy one as he takes his eyes off Hyungwon and looks at San who’s taken a seat at the other end of the room.

“Since it’s our first, of many to come meetings as six, can we get to know you a little first? You can say whatever you want.”

San looks at Hyungwon and Kihyun, the latter pulling strands out of his sweater and looking at the floor. Hyungwon takes it as an invitation to start.

“Where should I start from?”

“Wherever you feel like Hyungwon.”

“Okay so, I was working at a publishing agency, I am a fashion writer...”  
There are some wide eyes around the room and he gets where they come from. From his bed hair to his flip flops and socks, nothing matches the word “fashion” on him. Changkyun laughs, sounding more like taking a sharp breath and Hyungwon continues.

“I used to work as a model before that, for a well know agency but they kicked me out.” Deep breath. “Because I had lost a lot of weight, which by the way I kept losing, until, long story short I ended at the hospital and then here.”

There is a lot of nodding. Hyungwon feels like he is the centre of their pity.

“I actually feel much better here, work was so stressful.”

“Oh yeah, it must have been.” Hyunwoo adds and Hyungwon notices the adorable bunny teeth coming with his eye smile.

“Do you want to go back to work soon Hyungwon?”  San is good at directing the conversation, in his friendly way.”  
He scratches the back of his nape.

“Not sure, I have a pretty impressive CV already, I can use it to find something else if I want.”

“What about you Hyunwoo?”

“Oh I want to go back to work as soon as possible!” He looks at Hyungwon, who of course doesn’t know that much. “My wife and I have a restaurant, our son also spends much of his time there. It’s like having family time every day, all day.”

So Hyunwoo has a wife, a child too. He looks like he would be a great father, a fun one. Hyungwon wholeheartedly wishes he will get out to be in the restaurant with his family soon.

“Kihyun, do you wanna tell us something too? It’s okay if you only want to listen for today though.”

Kihyun shifts on his chair and grunts uncomfortably. He takes a look around, still keeping his head low. He mustn’t be as young as Hyungwon guessed when he first saw him, but his features are messed up. Hyungwon is sure he can spot white hairs at the back of Kihyun’s head. His hands are now hidden in his shirt, but Hyungwon clearly remembers the red spots all over, where Kihyun must have been scratching his skin.

“I don’t want to be here.”

“Nobody does, but it’s a helpful experience.” That was Jooheon.

“Were you forced to be here?”

“You mean by someone else?” Jooheon tilts his head.

“Yes.”

“No, not really.”

“Well I was. I just want to leave.”

“I’m sure it was for your own good Kihyun, since you are here you must make the most of it. It will take some time to adjust, but at the end you’ll see how much it will help you.”

“And how do you know?” Kihyun talking like that to the therapist is borderline rude. San keeps his voice calm.

“If I didn’t know, I wouldn’t be here, with you.”

Kihyun doesn’t talk any more for the rest of the session.

 

Hyungwon doesn’t get to know the others better, but he gets informed about how they spent their week. Hyunwoo goes to the swimming pool a lot. He is so good he helps younger and elder people learn to swim.

Changkyun talks about university. He is a good student, quiet. He got bullied before coming to the session because he was sitting alone at a staircase and he feels bad he didn’t stand up for himself. Apart from that, his parents are proud of his grades and he thinks that if they are okay, then everything is alright.

Jooheon is currently trying to produce a song, using a free and kind of shitty program at the clinic’s computers. Hyungwon notes that there is a computer room somewhere, he needs to check it out too. Jooheon is making progress with his song, but he is stuck because most songs are about love and he is not sure he wants to write about it.

Minhyuk starts with saying that he was pretty productive and took good care of himself through the week. Everybody seems proud of him. He continues telling them about the new photographs he took at the garden, of a butterfly he saw, rare in that time of the year.

San is listening to everyone, keeping an eye on Kihyun at all times and asking Hyungwon questions when he gets the chance. Hyungwon says that he is proud to have eaten a whole portion of food by himself. Minhyuk tells him that that’s “pretty rad” and they can go all out to eat sometime. Which is not possible, since they are stuck in the clinic, but then Changkyun says that they can have a pic nick sometime at the garden. San announces that if the weather gets better they can go all together, maybe somewhere further than the front yard, smirking.

“And we’ll take a lot of photos!” Minhyuk yells.

“As many as you want.” San agrees.

San gets up from his chair, thanks them for coming to the session, reminds them to come again the next time and wishes a good rest of the day. One by one, they all get up and exit the room as well, Kihyun being the last, a nurse waiting for him outside, to take him back to his room.

 

Jooheon stands right next to Hyungwon, his white curly hair a fluffy cloud on his head, in contrast with Minhyuk’s long, straight white strands falling to his eyes and pointing to every direction possible, with the dark roots visible from up close. Hyunwoo is also near them picking at the items in his pockets, mostly used napkins and Changkyun is rearranging textbooks in his backpack.

“Do you wanna come play football with us?”  
Hyungwon points his finger at his own chest.

“Me?” Painful memories of balls being kicked on his face come back to him.

“Yes, we usually play football when the weather is good enough.” Hyunwoo says, throwing everything he doesn’t need into a nearby bin.

“I’m useless at football, sorry guys. I haven’t played in years.”

“Yeah, me too but they are fun to play with.” Changkyun looks up from the mp3’s screen, a rap song escaping the headphones.

“Come ooooon, it’ll be fun. Nobody, except him” he points at Hyunwoo “is really good at it”.

Minhyuk looked like he would attach himself to Hyungwon at any moment but decided against the idea at the end. Hyungwon prefers staying out than going back to his room again. He kind of missed being around people.

“I’ll watch you, for a start.”

“That’s a great start!”

 

There is a small football field at the end of the court and the other must be using it frequently, the nurse overseeing the area kicking a ball towards Hyunwoo’s direction. It’s close to midday, with the sun warming up the grass beneath their feet. Jooheon and Hyunwoo start kicking the ball back and forth, Changkyun leaving his backpack next to the goal stand and Minhyuk sits cross legged next to Hyungwon, on the grass and at a safe distance from the goal. He wants to keep his glasses intact.

Some minutes are spend just watching the ball go back and forth. Hyunwoo is sure good at it, Jooheon keeping up just fine, using his hands when feeling like it. Changkyun shreds his coat off and steps between them, stealing the ball from Jooheon and making him run after Changkyun around the field while Hyunwoo is watching like a proud father would watch his kids.

Minhyuk takes his jacket off as well and places it on the ground, to sit on it without getting his clothes wet. Hyungwon is already too comfortable to care, hopes he doesn’t catch a cold or anything later. He’s not gonna stay for long anyway.

He looks at Minhyuk’s smile widening and can’t help but wonder, how he could be depressed, being so energetic and lively.

“Aren’t you going to play with them?” Hyungwon tugs grass blades out of the ground, trying to keep his hands occupied with something.

“I won’t leave you alone, until you come play or somebody else stays out.”

Hyungwon studies Minhyuk’s face, not too round, neither sharp. Just right, handsome and healthy looking.

“Are you really depressed?” He asks, not thinking much about it.

“What kind of question is that?” Minhyuk lifts an eyebrow.

“You don’t look like it.” What even did he expect a depressed person to look like?

“That’s kind of rude. Like I would say you look just thin, not anorexic.” He tries not to think that Minhyuk actually said he wants to kill himself. He never understood the logic of those taking their own lives. He hopes Minhyuk will not do it, then he imagines how he tried, if he did. Did he tried to hang himself? Overdose? Whatever it was, thankfully it did not succeed.

“It’s not the same..” He already feels bad about asking.

“I’m glad to know I don’t look like it through. It would be more difficult to make friends if I looked all gloomy. I love making new friends.”

“Am I the new friend?”

“If you want to.” Minhyuk can go from intimidating to friendly in seconds. That’s the first fact Hyungwon learns about him.

“Are you really bad at this? Or haven’t tried?”

“Is there a difference?”

“Even Hyunwoo is very gentle with us, you don’t need to worry.”

“Okay, maybe next time.”

“Did you take any other activities?” Minhyuk lies down on the grass, a hand on his forehead sheltering his eyes from the blinding sun.

“Not yet.”

“Come with me to photography or painting classes sometime. If you are the artistic type.”

“I might be, I have designed a couple of clothing pieces.”  
Minhyuk’s eyes light up with the new information.

“Really? Like that fancy expensive and totally not wearable stuff we see at catwalks?”

“In a sense, but they were more practical to be honest. No use in clothes nobody would wear outside.”

“You can design more here and make it big afterwards, make a lot of money out of it.”

“It’s not that easy. Were you working before coming here?”

“Sometimes at my parent’s store, a toy store. Not much to do there, except interacting with the kids. It was nice.”

“I never liked kids, understandable though.”

Jooheon is the first to call for a break, running to Changkyun’s backpack and taking his water bottle out, then passing it to its original owner. Hyunwoo is sweaty and has been running for more than thirty minutes, looking like he can do it three times more. Hyungwon asks them if they want more water but they decline, since they are going for lunch soon.

“Get up, take your shoes off or something to be comfortable.” Minhyuk is pulling him up, to stand and then goes for the ball. Hyungwon has no choice, taking his socks off and leaving them next to his flip flops. The grass feels wonderful under his feet.

While he could perform his tasks efficiently through the day, he never had much energy for physical exercise. Minhyuk kicks the ball towards him and Hyungwon sends it back. It doesn’t require a lot of moving, it’s fun, it’s something easy.

The others who were quietly lazing on the grass start complaining that they got hungry and didn’t even have a snack. Minhyuk takes the ball with his hands to leave it back at the nurse. Changkyun goodbyes them before they enter the main building. He doesn’t stay inside the clinic and comes only for his sessions and to hang out with people.

They take up a table at the middle of the hall and even if Hyungwon doesn’t manage to eat much, he is really happy, opposed to Minhyuk and Jooheon, bickering loudly about something unimportant. He feels secure like this and when he spots Sunmi and greets her, she is happy to join them too.

 

Hyungwon calls Hoseok again. Once, twice, the third time he dials the number and hangs up before hearing the ringing. Hoseok has nothing to tell him. He works, Hyungwon knows it’s true, he checked the new sports articles under his name at the computer room.

He goes to the gym, which is also true, because not a day has ever passed without Hoseok working out and then proudly showing off his body. Hyungwon remembers the disgusting smell of protein shakes, lingering all around Hoseok’s apartment. Hoseok has the nurse’s number, he can call anytime he wants, anytime he’s “free”, for Hyungwon.

He is not bothered by it, he has so much to do, with new people. People who don’t find his troubles insignificant. He was hesitant at first, at getting close with the others from his group therapy group, but they are almost giving him no choice. It happened naturally, day by day, in the short span of a week. They get lunch together, they do sports on their free time and they have memorised each other’s rooms, gathering to chat or play board games.

Hyungwon never knew that losing at monopoly from a business student would hurt so much. At the end of the game, Changkyun said he is sorry for taking all of his hotels, not looking the least apologetic about it.

 

Kihyun is changing too, for the better. On the fourth day after the group therapy, Hyungwon notices the half opened door and takes a peek inside. Kihyun is curled under the covers, eyes glassy and fixed on the wall.

“Kihyun?”   
There is a displeased sound, a shuffle in the covers.

“I’ll go by the dining hall, do you want me to bring you something?”  
For a moment, Hyungwon thinks Kihyun either fell asleep or is completely ignoring him.

“Yes.”  
It’s so low Hyungwon could miss it, but it’s something. Kihyun has turned with his back at the door, facing the window.

Hyungwon eats dinner with Jooheon, who happens to be there and they chat. He likes Jooheon. He’s energetic but calm, childish but reasonable. He knows when he needs to be serious, almost intimidating. He said he has violence tendencies. He doesn’t look like it, but Minhyuk doesn’t look depressed as well and Hyungwon is not asking any more questions.

Compared to him, Jooheon eats a lot and by Hyungwon’s standards he would be called fat. That’s what everyone who didn’t fit in small size was for the company. But Jooheon can run around the field for an hour, be up the whole day and then act like a human pillow for Minhyuk. He’s healthy, physically. The word chubby attains a sweet meaning for Hyungwon. He wonders how it would feel to be comfy enough for people to lie on you. It must be nice.

He doesn’t forget Kihyun, grabs a sandwich and some juice before leaving the hall, making his way to his room and checking the door next to it. Still half open, but now Kihyun is sitting on his chair, head lowered between his hands resting on the desk.

“Can I come inside?”

There is a slight affirmation sound.  
Hyungwon steps into the room, the closet open and a pile of clothes in it, like Kihyun couldn’t decide what to wear. He leaves the food on the desk, Kihyun following his hand with his gaze.

“You didn’t have to do that.” Kihyun’s voice is hoarse, like he has been smoking for decades.

“I wanted to. Do you mind some company?”  
Kihyun doesn’t answer, but neither tells him to go away, so he stays. He watches Kihyun eat, slowly, littering the desk, the floor, his clothes with bread crumbs.

“Are you feeling better?” Hyungwon tries. Kihyun has been very quiet the past days.

“No.”

“I’m sure you will.”

“You all say that and you, you’ve been here for less than half a month. You can’t know.”

“I can already feel the difference.”

Kihyun looks at him, he has black circles, his eyes are red. Reminds Hyungwon of his own black coffee induced sleepless nights when he needed to have an article ready for publishing the next morning.

“I feel better now, only because they gave me morphine. I will be in pain again after they stop giving it to me.”

Hyungwon knows very little about substances withdrawal, but he has seen his father trying to stop smoking. If that was hard, alcohol and drugs will be so much harder to deal with.

“They are taking good care of you, it will hurt but after that you’ll feel better than ever.”

“You don’t know what you are talking about Hyungwon, that’s the problem.”

“I know enough.”

“Such as?”

“That you are my new neighbour and since it seems we are both staying here, we’ll need to take care of each other.”

Kihyun laughs and Hyungwon is not sure if he’s mocking him or just happy.

Kihyun seems less miserable after finishing his meal. He slumps on the chair and waits for Hyungwon to talk. Or leave. Hyungwon is not sure.

“Are you getting any visitors tomorrow?”. Sundays are visiting days.

“I’d rather not. I don’t like visitors. Are you?”

“My mother will come.”

“Is she nice?”

“All mothers are nice.” Kihyun opens his mouth. Slowly shuts it again. He silently disagrees.

“Anyone else?”

“I don’t think so. She’ll make cookies, many of them so I can share with everyone.”

“You don’t look like you like cookies.”

“Oh but I do.”

It’s not a lie. Hyungwon loves cookies, freshly baked. He remembers opening the oven and stealing two every time his mother baked. One with chocolate and one with orange. She always noticed but never scolded him about it. She kept the cookies in jars and they ate them with breakfast for the rest of the week.

After his stomach started acting up to anything, he kept accepting his mother’s cookies every time he went home or she visited, tried to eat at least one and gave the rest away at work or to Hoseok. He would never waste them away. Now he wants to share the jar more than ever.

 

“It’s so cool that your mum is visiting. My brother wanted to come, but he is still at the army.”

Hyungwon is sitting on the floor of his room, with Minhyuk. It’s 7.30 in the afternoon. Hyungwon left Kihyun’s room to nap and was woken up a couple hours later by Minhyuk shyly opening his door and asking to come inside. He said everyone is doing something and he is lonely.

Minhyuk lives at room 234, belongs to a completely different section but still uses the same showers as Hyungwon because he likes putting music and chatting with Hyunwoo in the shower. He tells Hyungwon he is invited to go with them the next time.

Hyungwon loves how everything is scheduled, their appointments, meals, free time, but at the same time, it’s not. They have the freedom to attend said appointments or not, simply stay out to play or lock, not literally, themselves up in their rooms and not talk to nobody for days.

The nurses check on them, but won’t interfere unless there is the need to, or if they notice them stop eating, showering and generally taking care of themselves. He is totally used to walking around the corridors only in socks. Makes him slide when he tries walking faster, it’s fun.

Minhyuk is a fun person. He knows some good jokes, he makes good puns. He laughs a lot. He likes hugging Hyunwoo and squeezing Jooheon’s cheeks. He nuzzles on Changkyun’s side until he gets him to share his earphones and lately, is starting to get touchy with Hyungwon.

It’s strange, in the sense that in Hyungwon’s house, men were not supposed to be so emotional and touchy. He’s not bothered by Minhyuk one bit. The occasional brushing of their hands when walking side to side, Minhyuk leaning to him when they are standing. It’s all welcomed in Hyungwon’s life. He stops wondering if Minhyuk is really depressed.

He always had an assholish side to him that he wants to get rid of. Starting with his new friends feels good. He tries to be kind, understanding, keep his sarcasm to himself. The sun is radiating its last rays of sunlight outside his window, soon to be replaced by the moon. Hyungwon thinks it would be fun to have a room-mate. It’s not preferred for safety reasons as the section’s nurse told him.

Nobody will prohibit or stop them from spending a night together, he might as well suggest to try it. And there is still San’s trip promise in his mind.

“Do you like piggy back rides?”  
Hyungwon stares at Minhyuk for a long moment. Admittedly, it’s a strange question.

“I think I’ve never gotten, or given one.”

“Really? Hyunwoo gives us all the time, I bet I can carry you on my back too.”

Hyungwon tries not to laugh. Minhyuk was thinking about giving him a piggy back ride all the time Hyungwon was thinking about his ethics. Minhyuk’s mind probably works in a simpler way. Hyungwon needs to adopt this way of thinking, only of giving piggy back rides to his friends.

“Not today.”

“You’ll get better soon and I won’t be able to carry you.”

Hyungwon thinks of himself with much more weight, which is not happening anytime soon. It’s equally funny and disturbing as a thought.

“Then I’ll be strong enough to carry you. Why do you like piggy back rides so much?”  
Minhyuk beams.

“They are basically back hugs, right? I love back hugs.”  
Hyungwon feels his cheeks warming up. Minhyuk’s smile is adorable, he would back hug the man whenever he wanted, if he could have that smile all to himself.

“Right, I need to try it soon then.”

 

There is a library, where the board games are stored. There are novels and heavy books and photography collections and poems. Hyungwon doesn’t like poetry, he enjoys realistic books, everyday life stories and those “how to become successful” guides. They end up trying to find something to play, in a pile of games taller than Hyungwon. He spots a familiar pattern and takes the board in his hands. It’s chess, everybody knows how to play. He shows it to Minhyuk happily, he’s good at chess.

“Chess is boring Hyungwon. Too many rules.”

Chess is clear, just sharp minds and strategy. No cards, no cubes, no luck involved. Hyungwon likes to think of himself as above average clever, part of why he can appreciate a good, classic game, chess. He used to play with his grandpa a lot, when he was much, much younger and the old man still alive.

He takes a good look at all the other games, with the complicated playing systems and the need for more players to make it enjoyable.

“You haven’t played with me yet, or are you just scared you’ll lose?”  
It was the right button to press. Minhyuk would not step back from a challenge. 

They sink into the blue and red armchairs, a table between them. Hyungwon doesn’t notice their legs touching, until later, when he’s too lazy to adjust his position. Minhyuk doesn’t seem to mind. The lights are low, soft on the eyes and the whole library is so warm, with floor heating. They make a quick trip to the dining hall, one hot chocolate for Minhyuk, one green tea for Hyungwon and the board is ready to be set. Hyungwon gets the white pieces, Minhyuk the black ones. Hyungwon has to remind him which piece goes to which square and the basic moves before starting.

As he predicted, he’s still good enough at chess and certainly much better than Minhyuk. He wins the two first rounds with ease, sending his queen to clean all of Minhyuk’s soldiers, then his horses. He sips his tea between moves even if he has already decided what he’ll do next. Minhyuk is distracted but tries his best to frown and look offended when he loses. At their third round, Minhyuk is dozing off looking at him. Hyungwon meets his eyes.   
“What is it?” He asks playfully.

“Chess is boring. You are not.”


	4. Chapter 4

His mother greets him with a warm, tight hug. She is carrying a lot of bags, the contents being briefly checked by a nurse, and a beautiful smile. Hyungwon couldn’t be happier to see her. He has so much to say, about his progress and about making new friends.

Visitors are not allowed anywhere apart from the lounge of the main building but they let her see his room and take a stroll around the garden with her son. She has brought tea for both from his favourite cafe near home and they sit on a bench to drink it. Hyungwon says that he’s been eating and he’s feeling better than ever.

Then about his friends and Kihyun too, he’ll be a friend soon. She listens carefully and asks more about them. There are indeed enough cookies for everyone. She comments at the dullness of his room, Hyungwon answers that he might draw something and put it up the wall. The view of the pool is always cheerful anyway, along with the trees at the yard. The new covers his mother brought him blend nicely with the colour palette of the room. They are navy blue, with little waves on them, almost childish.

He asks about home and his mother is hesitant to give much information. His father is working and reading his newspapers and watching football. Nothing unusual ever happens with him. Hyungwon is sure his father still wakes up at the same time he did when he had to drive his sons to school before work. If there’s nothing wrong with his father, then the strange behaviour leaves only Hyungsik in question. 

“Your brother is getting his degree soon, will you be able to attend the ceremony? I think he’d like you to.”

“That’s not what is bothering you.”  
His mother bites her lip. He knows her way too well.

“He thinks of getting married before going to the army.”

“That’s new, I thought he had the rest of his life planned.”  
  
Hyungsik was saying he was gonna enlist as soon as he finished with his degree, even before starting college. As far as Hyungwon knows he has been together with his fiancée for over three years, but never before had discussed a wedding so early, at least with their parents.

“She is pregnant Hyungwon, your father doesn’t know yet.”

“That’s it?” His mother gives him a questioning look. “That’s the problem? That my father doesn’t know Hyungsik’s girlfriend is pregnant and that’s why they want to get married?”

“Yes Hyungwon.”

Hyungwon laughs, because it’s plainly funny to him. His father is of course old minded, but not dumb in any way. He always reminded them his wish for grandchildren, as early as possible. At some point he realised, in the mist of endless fights that his eldest son is not making him any grandchildren, not anytime soon. Most importantly not with a woman. Hyungwon is sure Hyungsik will make him proud, as long as the wedding is able to cover his little brother’s “accident” efficiently.

“Just tell him mum.” She promises she will. Then changes the subject to Hyungsik’s graduation again. Hyungwon wants to be there, if he is wanted. He can leave the clinic for a couple hours, since he is the one who checked himself in.

It’s gonna be Hyungsik’s graduation, one more, because Hyungwon was present at all the previous ones and he doesn’t want to miss it. He’s really, very proud for his brother. The only downside will be those looks from his father, the “Look at your brother succeeding while you skipped college and ended up with a disorder.” He’ll manage.

They go back to the lounge, other patients with visitors there, occupying the couches and seats.

“Hey, come here.” A familiar voice calls and he spots Hyunwoo on the couch waving at him. Hyungwon walks toward the couch and notices the little boy playing at Hyunwoo’s feet, with a red and black toy train. A woman is sitting next to Hyunwoo, so beautiful she looks like she’s out of a magazine. She stands up to greet Hyungwon and his mother.

“Hyunwoo, this is my mum. Mother, this is Hyunwoo, we share some activities.”  
The older man bows to his mother, his adorable eye wrinkle visible.

“I’m glad to meet you miss, I’ve heard a lot about you. This is Jihyun, my wife and” he slots his hands under the boy’s armpits and lifts him on his shoulders “that’s my son Kangwoo.”   
Jihyun smiles politely, while Kangwoo waves at them with his little hands.

“I think he likes you, do you want to hold him?”

Hyungwon has never been good with kids, not that he has many experiences, but the way Kangwoo is looking at him, trying to offer his toy car is irresistible.

Hyunwoo puts his son down and the boy walks to Hyungwon, who lifts him up. He’s a little heavy and Hyungwon opts for sitting on the couch with him.

“Hello Kangwoo, I’m Hyungwon.”    
Kangwoo laughs and plays with Hyungwon’s coat buttons. 

Jihyun and his mother are sitting on a nearby table, have ordered coffees and are talking. His attention is back on the tiny version of Hyunwoo on his lap.

“He’s really well behaved.”

Hyunwoo caresses his son’s back, tickles his sides and makes the boy giggle.

“Kangwoo is the best boy in the whole world, and I am the proudest dad.”

Kangwoo nods, burying his nose in Hyungwon’s chest.

“You like Hyungwon, don’t you?”

The ladies are watching them amused.

“His jacket is warm, so I like him.”

“Do you want to put your own jacket on Kangwoo?” Jihyun asks, lifting the small piece of clothing for her son to see, it’s blue with red and green dots. 

“I’m okay mum. Dad is warmer.” 

Kangwoo climbs down Hyungwon, who feels a little relieved with the weight off him and goes back to Hyunwoo, hugging him like a koala.

“I am proud of dad too.”

If Hyunwoo’s eyes get teary, Hyungwon acts as if he never noticed.

 

His mum leaves at late afternoon, when most visitors are already gone and there is little visiting time left. Hyunwoo is outside seeing his family off, Hyungwon inside and ready to go to his room and sort out his new stuff. Someone enters.

A short man, wide shoulders, black hair with green ends. Hyungwon stares at him and he stares back, intensely. The man gets out, to the garden, Hyungwon follows. He feels something wrong, something so off. He finds Hoseok pacing on the grass, hands tucked in his pockets, nose red, skin paler than usual.

“Hey. Are you okay?” He hasn’t properly talked with his boyfriend for so long.

“So you’ll stay here?” Hoseok takes a good look at the building behind them.

“For a little more, yes. That’s the plan.”

Hoseok takes a large breath, Hyungwon knows what will follow.

“We can’t do this anymore Hyungwon.”

“Okay.”

“I love you and I know you love me, but it just doesn’t work out. We are getting tired of each other.”

“Do you have an affair?”

“For god’s sake Hyungwon, no, why did you even think of that. It was always only you.”

“I’m glad.”

“We can try again, some other time. When you are better and I don’t work as much.”

“Or not.”

“Or not.”

“Thank you for coming here Hoseok. I really appreciate it.”  
  
Hoseok offers him a smile. Sincere and rare. He turns around and walks to the parking, pulls a beaning on his head. Hyungwon watches him disappear, until a nurse informs him that visiting time is over and he will catch a cold, standing outside.

 

He mechanically walks to his room. It doesn’t hurt that much. He is gonna sort his stuff, make his bed, give laundry to the nurses, then go to eat something. He ends up not doing anything, piling up everything on his desk and falling on his bed. He loses track of time, shadows dancing on his walls, not bothering to turn any lights on.

He is touched, by Hoseok’s approach. At least their last goodbye was decent, sweet even. He wonders if Hoseok got into his car and cried or just left to go home and work out, continued with his life. Hyungwon doesn’t feel anything, he just has questions. Ones that Hoseok will now never answer him. At least he won’t have that call to wait for.

 

“Hyungwon?”  
He lifts his upper body just enough to see who’s at the door.

“Minhyuk?”

“Are you okay? Did I wake you up?”

“No, come inside. Turn on the lights if you want.”  
It’s blinding and Hyungwon’s eyes take some time to adjust. Minhyuk is closing the door behind him, walking to the bed.

“Are you sick?”

Hyungwon shakes the covers from his body and sits at the edge of the bed, shoulder to shoulder with Minhyuk.

“I am okay, don’t worry. How was your day?” He hadn’t seen Minhyuk at all, since the previous night.

“It was fun, I played Overwatch with Changkyun downstairs.”

“Do they let you play Overwatch?”  
Minhyuk smirks.

“Depends on who’s in charge of the day.”

Hyungwon pulls his legs up to sit cross legged and listens about Minhyuk and Changkyun’s game. Minhyuk admits that he is not a really good player, but he is having fun and Changkyun is helping him improve. Unsurprisingly, he calls Hyungwon, who has never played video games in his life, to play with them the next time the nurses are on their good side.

“I came to check on you because you didn’t come for lunch and also Hyunwoo told me your mum made cookies.”

“You want cookies?”

“Only if you get too.”

 

In the movies, heartbroken people eat family tubes of ice cream alone after break ups. A cookie is a good equivalent for Hyungwon, except that he also has a very excited Minhyuk in his room.

He takes the cookies out and Minhyuk has three, praising his mother’s baking after every single bit. Hyungwon struggles to finish with the first one, but Minhyuk is expectant and he does. It sinks like a rock into his stomach.

“Did something happen?” After his cookies, Minhyuk wanted to play a card game and Hyungwon told him he’s not in the mood. He doesn’t know if it’s wise to be honest. He wants to but feels like the timing is off.

“Yeah...kinda...”

“Wanna talk about it?” Minhyuk shifts too, climbing fully on the bed with his socked feet. Hyungwon notices how the mattress shifts from his weight, so much compared to himself.

“Not sure if there’s much to talk.”

“You can try.”

“My boyfriend came to visit.”  
Minhyuk seems only a bit socked, at the mention of a boyfriend.

“Isn’t that good?”

“...to break up with me.”

“Oh.”

Hyungwon hates the silence.

“I knew it would happen since some time ago. It’s not that big of a deal.”  
Minhyuk nods.

“Was he nice with you? Do I need to call Hyunwoo to take care of him?”

“He was really nice with me.”

Minhyuk asks about Hoseok. How they met, Hyungwon’s favourite dates, when he realised they were falling out of love. It lifts the weight from Hyungwon’s chest.

“I heard San asking these when Jooheon broke up with his girlfriend. He was feeling like shit for a long of time, but it got better.”

It’s late at night, Hyungwon is craving sleep and Minhyuk is still on his bed.

“Do you want to purge tonight?”

“I thought about it.” He is too tired to filter what he is saying. Being honest with the man who admitted he wants to kill himself can’t be bad.

“Will you if I stay here?”

“No.”

“Can I?”

Minhyuk lays beside him, at the side of the door. He is careful not to touch Hyungwon. He tells him goodnight but keeps talking.

“So are you...”  
Hyungwon lifts his eyebrow. Minhyuk’s tone is soft, like he’s trying not to hurt him with his words.

“Gay?”

“Yeah...”  
Minhyuk takes Hyungwon’s hands in his own.

“That makes it two of us.”

 

Minhyuk is already gone when Hyungwon wakes up. He slept through the night without waking up and the uneasy feeling in his stomach from the previous night is gone. There is a post it note, like the ones he keeps on his desk, folded and placed on his bedside table. He reaches to grab it and keep it close to his face, to read the curly and small letters without his glasses. “See you at breakfast!”

Hyungwon was thinking of skipping breakfast, but he is definitely going this time. He can’t let Minhyuk down. He gets up, taking a peek between his curtains. The sun is up, the first brave swimmers already beneath his window. He thinks he spots Hyunwoo but he’s not sure. Opening the closet a hoodie falls on him. Right, he had left a mess last night. He looks over at his very messy desk as well. He’ll do everything later.

He picks a long-sleeved white shirt and washed jeans, his sneakers too. It’s a too cold day for socks only. He brushes his teeth, looks at the toilet seat and praises himself, for having almost forgotten how it feels under his head, or his knees on the titled floor.

He knocks on Kihyun’s door, in a great mood. Kihyun opens, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, in a set of pyjamas way too big for his frame.

“What?”

“Let’s go for breakfast.”

“Not hungry.” Kihyun’s stomach growls. He looks up to Hyungwon embarrassed.

“You can go without me, or later. I don’t mind.”

“Let me get dressed.”

Hyungwon watches as Kihyun moves slowly, picking the same pair of pants he was wearing the last time they saw each other and a hoodie from his chair. He then goes to the bathroom, closes his door and is at the door after some minutes with a somewhat brushed hair. Hyungwon doesn’t miss how tired and slow his motions are.

“Do you want me to bring you something here?”

“Do I look that shitty?”

“Yes actually.”

“They stopped the morphine.”

“Are you in pain?”

Kihyun moves his head in a way indicating that he is. But he is not a ball on the bed anymore and Hyungwon is pretty sure it is an achievement. 

“Thank you for coming.” Kihyun whispers, a few steps behind him, almost to himself. Hyungwon turns around to wait for him and they take the elevator downstairs.

Jooheon is so loud in the morning. Minhyuk follows suit. They decided to try all the cereal available for breakfast, in the same plate. It’s quite messy and Minhyuk is feeding Jooheon with his spoon and asks for his rating, trying compilations like fruity loops and honey rings at the same time.

Hyunwoo is at the head of the table, drinking black coffee and eating his toast with eggs, reading something. The thin pair of glasses contributes greatly to his dad picture. When Hyungwon and Kihyun approach their table they all look at the latter with mild disbelief.  
  
Kihyun bows and mutters a rushed “good morning”, before following Hyungwon to the buffet. Kihyun fills his plate with bread and cheese and omelette, while Hyungwon is preparing his tea. Just pouring the hot water into a mug with a green tea bag.

“Don’t you want to eat something?” Kihyun is standing beside him, with his plate on the one hand and a cup of milk at the other.

“Not really.”

“It will help you through the day.”

“I can’t eat Kihyun.”

“You mean you don’t want to.” And Kihyun looks so confused, like how could ever someone not want to eat with so much food available around them.

“My stomach isn’t exactly cooperative on mornings.” Or any other time.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Try having a nice snack before lunch then.”

“Right, I will.”

Back to the table, Minhyuk and Jooheon have calmed down with the cereal and everyone is able to enjoy breakfast in silence. Hyunwoo with his magazine reminds Hyungwon of his father at morning, but much friendlier.  He is thinking about his therapy session afterwards and what he’s going to do when it’s done when he feels all eyes on him. Someone was talking.

“When is your birthday Hyungwon?” It’s Hyunwoo.

“January fifteenth.”

“I won’t forget it.”

“It’s hard to remember many people’s birthdays Hyunwoo, we can put everything up at the calendar in your room.”

“No, I will remember it. I may ask again.”

“Even we forget birthdays sometimes, that’s insignificant.” Jooheon tries again.  
Hyungwon only remembers his parents’ and brother’s birthday. And Hoseok’s. He knows Himchan’s are around spring and that’s all.

“The doctor told me trying to remember dates is good for me.”  
Jooheon’s expression turns to one of sympathy.

“Do you remember other dates?”  
Hyungwon lifts his hand and holds up a finger for every date.

“My birthday, my wife and son, my wedding...” He looks around, panicking. “I don’t remember my wedding date!”

Minhyuk gets up from his seat and sits on Hyunwoo’s lap, taking the elder’s face in his hands.   
“Calm down Hyunwoo, we’ll call Jihyun after she gets off work to ask her, okay?”

“Will you come with me?”

“Of course.” Minhyuk leans on Hyunwoo’s chest and he starts calming down, the colour returning to his face. Hyungwon doesn’t quite understand. He forgets important dates all the time too, that’s why calendars exist.

He watches Hyunwoo relaxing completely again and Minhyuk returning to his seat. He shares a questioning look with Kihyun, then returns to aimlessly stirring his tea with a spoon. He thinks of an ice breaker.

“Isn’t Changkyun coming today?”

“He only comes at Wednesdays and Fridays, he’s at his college the rest of the days. ” Hyunwoo says and Minhyuk adds that he sometimes visits over the weekends to hang out with them, when he doesn’t have much studying to do.

“What is he studying?”

“Mechanical engineering!” Jooheon says and smiles proudly.

“He must be really clever then.” He tries not to think of his architect brother.

“He’s the cleverest!” Minhyuk says, stuffing what’s left of the cereal into his mouth.

 

His therapist is waiting for him behind his office, reading a book. Looks like a poetic anthology, with colourful flowers decorating the cover. He places it aside when Hyungwon sits on a chair across him and takes a look at him.

“Good morning Hyungwon, how was your week?”

“Eventful Mr. Kim.” he laughs.

“Oh tell me everything.”

Hyungwon starts from the group therapy, the wall with the sketches and photos and articles and how he wishes to become a part of that. He tells Hyungsoo about all the activities he wants to try but hasn’t yet. He feels like he is at a summer camp, spending his holidays. Then comes the visiting day, his mother and then Hoseok. He talks a lot about Hoseok, more than he did when with Minhyuk.

Then he talks about Minhyuk too, how the man came for cookies and ended up sleeping with Hyungwon. He admits that he is confused, he expected breaking up to be way more dramatic, but it was not and he is only thinking of getting to know his new friends better now. Most importantly, he is proud, for trying to eat, almost not thinking of purging for two weeks straight.

“You sure were ready for breaking up. You may not feel much about it right now, which seems strange to you, right?”

“Yes, it does.”

“Why?”

“Because Hoseok was a big part of my life.”

“Was. What about now.”

“He is not anymore.”

“Is it his choice, not to be part of your life?”

“He could still be. Visiting, talking on the phone. It’s not like I’m gonna stay in here forever.”

“So it was his choice to end your relationship.”

“Yes, it was.”

“I think it was your choice too, even if you didn’t say anything about it to him. Would you want to continue being friends?”

“I’m not sure.”

“That’s okay, you can take your time, maybe talk with his if you feel like it. I think it’s settled for both that you have broken up and it was, in my opinion a healthy choice.”

Hyungwon doubts Hoseok will ever pick up the phone to him again, but it’s too soon to reach heavy conclusions.

“Right.”

 

“Now tell me about the people you met here if you want.”

Hyungwon is eager to talk about Kihyun first, how scared and angry he was when he came to the clinic, but now his actual character is resurfacing. Then about Hyunwoo and how he is making a fuss over forgetting minor details. About Jooheon and Minhyuk, the super duo with their endless energy. Last comes Changkyun and Hyungwon’s wishes to get to know him better.

His time is up before he has they have the chance to talk in detail about Minhyuk staying the night with him. Dr.Kim ensures him it’ll be a priority next week and mentions that they may discuss meeting twice every week, if it fits Hyungwon’s schedule and needs. Hyungwon agrees that it sounds like a good idea and walks out, heading to the garden.

 

Jackson is happily swinging his golf club, running after the ball. Hyungwon plays a couple rounds with him and Jackson teaches him correct postures and techniques. Hyungwon cannot get past the fourth stage and wipes his sweaty forehead with the backside of his hand, jacket put aside long ago.

“How do you know so much about golf?”

Jackson beams. Hyungwon is sure he can be as talkative as Jooheon and Minhyuk combined if he wants.

“I was a professional!”

“Playing golf?”

“That’s right.” He lifts his club, a faint signature engraved on the metal. “That’s mine actually, I’m glad they let me keep it. It’s my baby.” Then proceeds to hug it. Hyungwon would never guess that the muscular guy with the bleached hair would be playing golf as a profession. Maybe football or something.   
  
He just can’t get to the fourth hole and it’s getting kind of irritating. He gives up and watches Jackson play while they talk about golf. Jackson, because Hyungwon can only ask since he knows close to nothing about it.

 

Lunch time is spend with Sunmi, who is happy to tell him they have started preparing a big project for Christmas, featuring choir and theatre. They will sing Christmas songs and have activities for everyone, then a big festive dinner. There will be a secret Santa and a lottery with presents from the clinic’s management. Sunmi has been there for only some months, but has heard about last Christmas from others.

“We’ll be spending the holidays here, might as well make it less depressing.”

“Can’t you go back home for a few days if you want?”

“I want. My parents are the ones who don’t want me back.”

Hyungwon prefers not to think about what his parents want, there are still two months until Christmas. To take his mind off things, he goes to the choir with Sunmi, but has to leave early, to go to his nutritionist.

Exiting the room the choir is practising he sees Kihyun, leaning on the wall next to the door.

“Kihyun?” He looks way more tired than he was some hours ago, jumping scared at his name.

“I just came to listen to the choir.”

“Why don’t you go inside?”

“I...I...am thinking about it.”

Hyungwon pats his shoulder and leaves. He doesn’t want to be late, he can talk with Kihyun whenever he wants.

 

His other doctor Kim is waiting in his office, with a big happy smile, getting wider after Hyungwon steps off the scale. He is two hundred grams heavier than the previous week. He tries not to freak out at the mention of the extra weight. He reminds himself that he needs that, it’s healthy and it’s part of his progress.

He tells the nutritionist about every meal he had in the week and they work together on a renewed plan, with lots of rice and chicken. They are easy on his stomach. Then he thinks of all the cookies he has to eat, if he wants to share with Minhyuk again.

 

Hyungwon is standing outside the room, watching Minhyuk inside. Room 07, painting classes. Minhyuk is wearing an apron, with brushes stored in pockets and has a big canvas in front of him. He is mixing colours and his shoes are already ruined with green paint. He is talking to a man beside him who is way more concentrated in his work, a black bird with colourful wings. Hyungwon enters, the instructor waving. The whole class looks at him for a moment and then, Minhyuk fetches a spare canvas from the back of the room and puts it next to his own.

“Come on Hyungwonnie!” He is holding out a brush for Hyungwon, not giving him time to react to the new nickname as the instructor comes closer to greet Hyungwon and explain the basics. That they are working with water colours and the theme for the day is animals.  
  
Apart from that he can do whatever he wants and the class runs from after breakfast to lunch. They can take breaks whenever they want and ask to take their works with them at the end. Hyungwon takes a chair to sit in front of his painting space. He has no idea what to do. Or why he is there.

A hand is on his shoulder.

“What are you drawing?”

“Not sure yet.” He takes a look at Minhyuk’s canvas, a brown and white puppy painted, with its dog house still on the making.

“What’s your favourite animal?”

“Never thought about it.”

“Don’t you like animals...?” Minhyuk looks so hurt.

“No, no, I just never picked a favourite one. I think turtles, I like them.”

“Turtles are cute, you’re right. You want some green?”

“Yes, thank you.”

Of course he wouldn’t be able to do anything in silence with Minhyuk on his side. Minhyuk is multitasking, painting and talking to Hyungwon and his other friend with the bird, Jungkook. Hyungwon sketches a cartoonish turtle first, with long neck and a smile. A cold breeze passes the room and he decides to give it a blue scarf around its long neck.

“That’s so cute” Minhyuk coos, “what’s his name?”  
Hyungwon looks at him straight in the eyes.

“He’s Hyukkie.” Minhyuk chuckles and Hyungwon gets inspired to draw a shining sun and a grassy field.

“Do you think Hyukkie and Minnie want to be friends?”

“You named your puppy after you?”

“You named your turtle after me first.” Hyungwon hopes he isn’t blushing too hard.

“I think they can be great friends.”

The painting takes Hyungwon hours. He plays with the colours mixing different kinds of green and brown and the result looks almost like a picture from a children’s book. Hyukkie is smiling from his grassy field and next to him Minnie is holding his bone and wiggling his tail.

The instructor comments on the cuteness, while others in the class are drawing realistically or in great detail. Or just in plain gloomy colours. Hyungwon looks down and realises the mess that is his pair of jeans, stained with green paint. His shoes are thankfully mostly saved.

“You just keep them and wear them every time you come to painting. Even if you wear them to go somewhere else nobody will care.”

Hyungwon feels his previously polished sense of fashion slowly disappearing, between stained pants and lilac flip flops with grey socks.

Then Minhyuk, who is a year older than Hyungwon but also a child deep down, dips his finger in the green paint and smears it on Hyungwon’s nose chuckling. He should be mad really, but he can’t, not when Minhyuk looks so happily at him.

 

“They have my favourite food today!” Minhyuk runs to the buffet, holding his plate above his head, Hyungwon following subtly.

“Chicken noodles and kimchi, oh yeah! You want kimchi Hyungwon?”

Hyungwon’s stomach will manifest about it later, he knows when he accepts the kimchi on his plate and adds some rice. Turns out he can’t decline anything from Minhyuk and needs to work on this soft spot he recently discovered.

“Jooheon has music class and Hyunwoo is swimming, let’s take a small table.”

There are some tables for two. The thing is, both Hyungwon and Minhyuk are tall, with long limps, longer than the average Korean, meaning that picking a table for two their legs will be brushing underneath if they want to be close enough to their plates. Which is not in fact a downside.

Minhyuk’s plate is loaded with kimchi, noodles, grilled meat and some salad on the side. Hyungwon wonders where all this food goes. Minhyuk sure has cheeks and is not skinny like him, but also a nice lean body.

“It’s sad that I will have to cook when I’m again out of here. I’m shitty at cooking.”

“Again?”

“Yeah...it’s my second time here.”

 “Oh” Hyungwon returns to his food.

“No need to feel bad about it. I tried to kill myself and both times my parents left me here.”

“I’m sorry. You seem...it seems like the clinic is helping you.”

“It is, a lot. I like it here more than home.”

“Were you doing something before coming here?”

“You mean a job?”

“You told me about the toy shop, but what about university? Just curious.”

“I have finished college, literature. I was unemployed after that, not counting my parents’ store but was volunteering for various organisations for a short while. I liked it but it didn’t bring any money back home. Then my depression got worse and I stopped going there altogether.”

“I’m sorry, I hope you’ll go again after you get better.”

“I will. We get better all together here.”

Hyungwon manages to eat everything from his plate, full but satisfied and thinking of the nap he can take afterwards. Minhyuk feeds him meat with his fork and Hyungwon tries it too, it’s been long since he tasted something that is not chicken.

“See, not that hard. You can set your goal for one more bite every week.”

“You are too optimistic Minhyuk.” Hyungwon likes that optimism.

“I’ve been here for so long I didn’t have any other choice.

 

At the next group therapy session, Hyungwon arrives early again, but this time dedicated to use the little extra time to take a good look at the walls. San unlocks the door, asking Hyungwon about his day, more out of politeness than to get an answer. Answers will come later when the session starts.

Changkyun gets inside and collapses on a chair, exhaling that he’s already having such a tiring day. Hyungwon doesn’t have anything to leave on his preferred chair so decides to pick the one left afterwards. He walks in front of the wall, at the left side of the door and the first thing that catches his eye is a poster from a superhero movie.

Next to it an article about tulips and when he moves on further he realises there are many of them, articles about flowers. Around the middle of the wall there is a Polaroid photo, of San, Changkyun, Minhyuk, Hyunwoo, Jooheon and one more young man, taken in this very room.

“That’s my brother, Gunhee. He left two weeks before you arrived.” Jooheon is standing behind him, leaving his bag on a chair.

“I’m happy for him then.”

“Yes, we all are.” Jooheon doesn’t seem all that happy.

 

San declares that this week’s theme is “relationships.” They can talk about whatever they want, friends, family, lovers and will continue the next week too. Hyungwon, who has not yet gotten tired of thinking about Hoseok, gets the chance to briefly talk about his break up again, maybe in hopes he’ll eventually feel something strong about it. His preference to men doesn’t go unnoticed, especially to Hyunwoo, but the other doesn’t say anything about it.

It’s Jooheon’s turn next and he talks about his girlfriend. He really loves her, so much. He describes her, short and beautiful with small eyes and an always happy personality.

Jooheon beat her. It was his last violent outburst after submitting himself to the clinic. She didn’t do anything, she was just waiting for him to get back home at night, had food ready for him, prepared the bed. And Jooheon had a bad day and didn’t appreciate any of this.

He drove her to the hospital the same night and then turned himself to the nearest police department, explaining to the officers what he did while crying. She didn’t fill a report against him, even with her family wanting her to. She didn’t even want to break up. Jooheon voluntarily got into the clinic and promised to not get out until he’s sure to never hurt anyone again like this. She rarely visits, she is scared of the place, but they talk on the phone every night.

Everyone pretty much knows about Hyunwoo and his wife. They came out of a movie, meeting in high school, when Hyunwoo was captain of the swimming team and his then girlfriend to be, part of their cheerleading team. He was too shy to ask her out until he placed a bet with the other members of the team, that whoever made it to the national championship would ask his crush out, with the help of the rest of them.

He made it to the nationals, where he came fourth in the ranking and at the party afterwards the rest of the swimming team made everything humanely possible to leave him alone with Jihyun. Things rolled naturally after that.

They attended different majors at the same university and got married soon after graduating. Hyunwoo enlisted, spending all his leaves visiting his wife and when he came back home he had a three months old son waiting for him.  He says that he hopes to be there to see his son growing up. Hopes that Kangwoo will see only the best of him, a strong, independent and loving father, dedicated to his family.

 

Changkyun is hiding in his hoodie, the sweater paws and prominent blush making him even more adorable. He just admitted he has a crush. Even San coos at him. Then he says that said crush, a girl with whom they have some shared classes probably finds him strange and awkward and will never be interested. That’s why he’s making the crush to go away.    
  
Minhyuk insists he can try and Changkyun says that he can’t, since he needs to start talking with her first, instead of looking at her back through the lessons like some pervert.

“Leave flowers on her desk. Girls like that.” Minhyuk says.

“Hyung no.”

“Stalk her social media to gather information.”

“Minhyuk no.” San puts a hand in front of his mouth trying not to laugh.

 

Kihyun doesn’t have much to say, still shy and finding it hard to speak loudly enough for everyone to hear. He says that he never cared much about relationships, neither erotic nor others, so he can’t contribute to the conversation. When asked why, he shrugs, answering that he was always better on his own, more people meant more trouble. It must refer to his previous lifestyle, which couldn’t have been the best.

Minhyuk is an interesting one as well. He never had a “proper” relationship as he names it. He doesn’t talk about boys or girls, but people in general. Is Hyungwon the only one who knows? Could be.

He had online relationships, a lot of them. With people living in the same town but with whom they never met in person. With others from completely different time zones, making communication so much harder when you were having lunch and your partner was awaken by your call in the middle of the night. Hyungwon wants to ask how it felt, to be in love with someone you couldn’t touch, or see.

Or was Minhyuk not in love? He has so much love to give to others that it would be strange. Minhyuk looks like the person who falls in love, hard. But then again Hoseok looked like that kind of person too. Hyungwon’s rational part of his mind needs to keep him away from itching to find out. 

When the session is over Hyungwon has more questions than answers.

 

It’s a bad day for Minhyuk. Hyungwon knows because he hasn’t seen him in two days and a half, since the last time they were all together for dinner. Also Jooheon tells him, it’s one of those days. Minhyuk has plenty of these every now and then, locking himself up in his room and not talking to anyone until he feels good enough to be back to his cheerful self again.

 Everyone is eating breakfast silently, with nobody to lift their moods first thing in the morning, Jooheon looking so miserable eating slowly his bowl of cereal. Kihyun also seems uneasy without Minhyuk around, though he doesn’t voice his concerns. Hyunwoo is buried in his magazine again, but mostly stares at the pages without really reading. Hyungwon suspects that the other two have gone through this before, but it doesn’t mean it hurts less this time.

Changkyun soon comes, just for a visit and scans the room for Minhyuk, who is nowhere to be seen. He sits in silence stirring a cup of coffee. Jooheon is the first to leave, muttering something about “movie making class” and Hyunwoo goes next with a small, polite wave. Kihyun is still drinking his coffee next to Changkyun when the youngest one speaks.

“Hyungwon hyung, maybe you can try going to Minhyuk hyung?” Changkyun is the first to take his eyes off the table.

“Going to him? In his room you mean?”

“Yeah, he must be laying there. Just try to talk to him or something. We mostly fail at that but you haven’t tried yet and he likes you, so, please. I hate seeing everyone like this.” Hyungwon hates it too.

“What if I fail too? If he really doesn’t want any visitors?”

“You will have tried at least. I would send Kihyun hyung too, but...”

“It’s okay.” Kihyun hides his face behind his big coffee mug.

They never learn what Changkyun was gonna say about Kihyun, but probably something along the lines of being extremely not soft spoken and scary, so not ideal for the situation. Hyungwon feels almost honoured with being trusted to help Minhyuk feel better. He has never been to Minhyuk’s room before so he asks Changkyun for general directions. Turns out it’s on the second floor of Hyungwon’s building, but not really that far, number 234.

Hyungwon wishes the other two to have a nice day, hopes they don’t get too awkward with each other and makes a stop to his own room first, to leave his shoes. His gold playing plans are cancelled.

He feels anxiety bubbling up in his chest taking the stairs to the second floor. He doesn’t want to see Minhyuk like this and he will feel even worse if it turns out Minhyuk doesn’t want to see him, at all. It’s the hour just after breakfast when the corridors are buzzing with life, patients starting the activities of the day, nurses walking around checking the rooms and cleaning ladies with buckets and cleaning products on hand.

It would be selfish to not see Minhyuk fearing he will be rejected. Somewhere deep down he somehow knows Minhyuk would want him there, like the night they slept together. A kind of payback. He stands at the start of Minhyuk’s room corridor trying to make his legs walk faster.

Maybe it’s how the others describe it, maybe the effect of not seeing Minhyuk for days, a big change from spending most of their days together. He is scared to push the door. But he stands in front of it, number 234 and brings an indecisive hand on eye level to knock.

There is only a faint yes, which doesn’t even sound much as a positive answer, more of a “I heard you” answer.

“It’s me, Hyungwon, can I enter?”

“Whatever.”

Minhyuk is, as predicted on his bed, a thin sheet on him but beneath the last clothes Hyungwon saw him wearing. He is facing the door, but his eyes are rather focused on the wall than Hyungwon.

“Do you want some company?”

“Did they send you to cheer me up?”

“Yeah.” No point in lying. Minhyuk can connect the dots just fine himself.

Hyungwon takes a chair and places it next to the bed, near Minhyuk’s head. The room is dark but he takes a look around. The walls are lilac and white, the furniture a lighter brown than his own.

“Do you wanna talk?”

“About?”

“What you are thinking.”

“Do you really want to know that?”

“Yes.” Hyungwon would give everything to be in Minhyuk’s head. In that little space that can change his mood so dramatically.

“I want to die. Not even kill myself at this point. Just die, somehow. I don’t care. “

“Why?”

“Just because.” Minhyuk shrugs.

“I think you need a hug.” It’s silly, it’s childish and Hyungwon doesn’t know why he said it.

“I think I do.” Minhyuk smiles, such a tired, cold smile.

Hyungwon finds himself on the bed, his back on the board, spooning Minhyuk and threading fingers through his hair. Minhyuk is leaning into his touch, humming in little exhales, pressed on Hyungwon’s chest.

“If you want to cry, it’s okay.”

“It’s been years since I last cried, but thank you.”

“Please don’t kill yourself.” It comes out in a hurried whisper, a plead and Hyungwon feels stupid. If only it was that easy.

“It’s unfair you know, so unfair.”

“What is unfair Minhyuk?”

“If I could just take Hyunwoo’s place, it would be easier. He doesn’t deserve it”  
“Hyunwoo’s?”

“You...you don’t know?”

“No, I don’t.”  
Minhyuk turns around to face him, takes a deep breath.

“He has a thing, Huntington's disease, that’s how it’s called. His cells, brain cells are dying, too early.”

“Oh.” It explains the memory loss.

“He doesn’t deserve it, because he is such a good person and he just wants to watch his son grow up before he dies or becomes paralysed. He knows he only has one or two decades left. He just doesn’t deserve this.”

Hyungwon’s hands go around Minhyuk’s waist to find his own ones.

“He doesn’t but you wouldn’t want to change with Hyunwoo. With nobody. This is your place in life, this is you. And you are wonderful. Please stop thinking like that, it’s no use.” 

Minhyuk’s fingers are long, tapping Hyungwon’s hands, but showing no intention of letting go. His hair is oily and his clothes smell, the whole room smells, being shut like this for so long.

“Thank you for coming.”

Hyungwon wants to ask, why it was so easy. To get inside the room, to talk with Minhyuk, to have him so close on his body like this. What is different between Hyungwon and the others? Minhyuk has known Jooheon and Changkyun for so much longer. Yet, he seems to prefer him over them. Hyungwon just cannot understand. Or doesn’t want to.

He isn’t sure he can manage feelings, not yet and not with Minhyuk being like this. He enjoys the body on his own way too much. It’s been long since he felt someone physically so close to him. He realises he needed it. He should probably keep his distance from Minhyuk, keep it subtle, friendly, because they both know what they are doing and it’s wrong, from Hyungwon’s perspective at least.

Minhyuk doesn’t want to get out of the room, so Hyungwon brings him lunch and some cards to play. They eat together, have a nurse pick up the plates and then stay on the bed to doze off, talk about painting classes, Hyunwoo swimming, Changkyun being so much better than everyone at Overwatch.

Minhyuk doesn’t say anything more about wanting to kill himself and Hyungwon wants to be able to erase the thought forever, make him happy. It’s a trap, he knows, he can’t make anyone happy but himself. Minhyuk falls asleep on him smiling.

 

Maybe ha can after all. They nap until late afternoon and Minhyuk wakes him up with the last rays of the sun on the horizon, nuzzling on Hyungwon’s neck.

“Hyungwon?”  
“Hmmm” He opens his eyes slowly, Minhyuk’s face inches from his own. They are tangled on the bed, Minhyuk is rubbing his eyes with his balled fists, looking so fragile, so young and beautiful, with his fridge falling on his eyes and pale skin around red lips.

Hyungwon doesn’t ask himself when he started thinking like this. About his friend and another patient, in the mental clinic that they are in. Minhyuk is cuddling him, slightly rubbing his head on Hyungwon’s chest, hands now resting on the space between them.

“Can we go to the showers?”

“Now?”

They are whispering, like the nurses at the corridor will hear and scold them anytime.   
“I wanna have a shower, I usually go with Hyunwoo, but it’s okay with you, right?” And why wouldn’t it be.

He waits for Minhyuk to prepare clean clothes and take something from his closet, a shaving machine. He notices Hyungwon staring at it.

“Most of us have machines, can’t be trusted with razors.” Hyungwon gulps down whatever he was supposed to say to that.

The showers are identical to the ones next to Hyungwon’s corridor. It’s dinner time and almost nobody is there. The nurse at the door gives them two towels, Hyungwon handing the one immediately back and receiving a strange look.

Minhyuk picks the furthest shower, Hyungwon takes a seat at the bench pushed on the opposed wall, used for leaving clothes and personal items. Minhyuk leaves his towel there too. He starts undressing before going into the confined shower space. Hyungwon doesn’t know if he’s supposed to look, Minhyuk notices him.

“Can I leave my clothes next to you?”

Hyungwon finds it hard to even nod, Minhyuk taking his shirt off, his pants, underwear, socks, nothing left. He realises he has never seen Minhyuk wearing a short sleeved shirt, it’s winter so it was justified.

He is full of scars, on the inside of his arms and legs. Long, deep cuts, old or healing, tracing patterns on the soft skin, like tattooed, dark patches on fair palette. Hyungwon holds his breath as Minhyuk walks away, doesn’t close his door, letting the scorching water fall on him.

Hyungwon can’t take his eyes off, but it’s not the scars that draw his attention this time, it’s Minhyuk himself. His lean figure with one hand on the wall tiles and the other in his hair, dump hair sticking on his forehead, water sliding down his body to the drain. Hyungwon wants to keep the picture, also keep it to himself. It’s something Hyunwoo has seen too, Jooheon maybe, maybe someone else too.

It feels special to Hyungwon, he wants to cross the short distance and touch Minhyuk. The thought of joining him is almost disruptive, he shakes himself out of it. Minhyuk is asking for his towel. Hyungwon tosses it.

“You’ll catch a cold.”   
Minhyuk is dressed again, in front of the mirror shaving his short stubble, the nurse poking his head from time to time, checking on them.

“I won’t.”

“Your hair is still wet.”

Hyungwon steps behind Minhyuk, taking the towel from his shoulders. He covers his head and starts drying his hair, softly, like he would do with a child he wouldn’t want to hurt.   
  
Minhyuk arches his back again leaning on him, waits for him to finish and resumes what he was doing, combing his hair before going back. Hyungwon walks him back to his room, makes him promise to come to breakfast the next morning. Minhyuk instead of telling goodnight gives him a kiss on the cheek.

 

Hyungwon goes back to his room to change and gets under the covers. He slept for long in the middle of the day but he knows that not falling asleep on time at night will throw the next day’s schedule off. He tries, but every time he closes his eyes he can see Minhyuk, in the shower, again and again.

It’s been a long time and he doesn’t blame Minhyuk, who was just the one to trigger the chain of thoughts. Hyungwon wants to think of Hoseok, it feels more ethical at this point. It only takes a few tugs and before coming Minhyuk is the last person on his mind.

He feels disgusting afterwards, but too tired to walk to the toilet. He cleans himself with tissues and falls soundly asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holiday themed chapter!

“Do you think I would look better if I put on more weight? Like much more. I am supposed to do that.”  
Minhyuk leaves his chess piece back on the board, rests his head on his arm and looks at Hyungwon with dreamy eyes.

“I’d like you no matter what. But you would definitely look better and don’t forget your health too. Nothing’s better than being healthy.”

Hyungwon keeps that sentence in mind every night he is about to put his fork down after barely touching his food and every morning his stomach feels like it should be emptied.

 

It’s been almost two months in the clinic and Hyungwon is six kilos heavier. Six kilos and two hundred grams, he keeps a paper with his weight progress in his room. It starts showing, on his face and body. He has more energy and strength.

He is proud, his mum is proud, his therapists, his friends. He feels so much better about himself that he wants the whole world to know. Sunmi is doing great too and Hyungwon imagines them out, in the centre of the city shopping and then eating together, hamburgers and milkshakes and being happy, not even thinking about the calories.

 

“Remember that trip I told you about?” San is sitting cross legged on the floor and everyone else is mirroring him in a tight circle. They have a new carpet and decided to make the most out of it, chairs long forgotten the past two weeks.

They were talking about vacation, ones they have been on and where they want to go next. The answers vary, but one thing is the same among them, they want to go all together. They all nod, Jooheon letting out a loud “Heck yeah I do”. It’s close to Christmas and the decorations surely help the overall mood.

“Okay boys, listen to me.” Six pairs of eyes are on San, and they are the most quiet the therapist will probably ever see them. He explains. “Everybody here worked hard, I don’t have access to your individual therapy or medical records, but I’ve known you all enough now to be sure you are doing well and taking your meds appropriately. The administration informed me this morning that we can go on a short trip, for two days, between Christmas and New Year’s Eve. Will you all be here?” Seems like nobody wants to go, or is wanted back home for the holidays. Hyungwon has made up his mind too.

They are gonna go up the mountains, just the seven of them. The clinic will rent them a mini van which San will drive to the resort. He doesn’t give them much more information, tells them only the name of the area so they can search up what they want to do there.

Jooheon is jumping up and down and Kihyun has one of those rare smiles. Hyungwon feels like he is seven years old again and found the present he wanted under the Christmas tree.

Nobody can concentrate at the session, poking San with questions and Hyungwon realises what great amounts of patience he has. He doesn’t give anything else away, tells them to bring warm clothes and get back to the day’s topic, which Hyungwon didn’t paid enough attention to be aware of.

He can only think of their trip. Of taking a picture all together for the wall. He and Kihyun in Gunhee’s place. Then, sometime in the near future this picture will be replaced too, or kept next to the new one, or maybe San keeps the photos in his office. Hyungwon is curious, but not enough to stay longer than necessary to find out, not that he is not enjoying his time in the clinic.

 

The session finishes and they decide to go to the lounge, watch some television until they decide on something more productive. Changkyun doesn’t have homework so he stays too. Most seats are taken but luckily there is a free couch, originally made for three people but they manage to squeeze enough to fit. Hyunwoo is at the one edge, Minhyuk and Hyungwon’s foot on his lap. Next to Hyungwon, Jooheon is lying with Changkyun on him and at the other end Kihyun is alone, almost sitting on the armrest.

There is a sappy drama playing and Minhyuk has to comment on everything, from the clothes to the main protagonist’s confession. Hyungwon looks to his left, where Kihyun is dozing off on Changkyun’s shoulder. They’ve become closer somehow, bonding over their somewhat antisocial nature.

On his right, Minhyuk is squirming on Hyunwoo, who seems completely unaffected by it. Then there is him, Hyungwon, in the middle of it, so happy and warm and when Jooheon pokes his newly formed cheeks commenting on how cute they are, he is reminded that he is doing so well.

Hyungwon hopes that they can meet outside of this place. It seems unnatural, being somewhere in the city, in their own apartments, holding down jobs and social lives outside of their small circle. Still, they are the kindest and most welcoming people he has ever met and he doesn’t want to lose them.

He promises that if he gets out first, he is going to visit them a lot. He knows everyone would do the same. Then he will wait for them and they’ll go to the greatest restaurant in town to celebrate, with Hyunwoo’s family and Minhyuk’s hyung and maybe Gunhee too.

They never decide on where to go, because piling on each other is warm and everywhere else with open space is cold, even with the heating on. The yard is turning white but they are not allowed to go out. Minhyuk almost cries from frustration, because he just wants to make a snowman, so bad.

The nurses promise to let them out once the wind is not as strong and there are safety measures taken. Jooheon wipes Minhyuk’s tears with his sleeve and they wait for the promised day to come. Hyungwon was never the one to enjoy staying out at the cold, but if it’s making Minhyuk so happy, he’ll at least need to try, building a snowman it is.

 

“Ι want the blue one.”

“And I want the red one.”

“Why don’t you put both?” Hyungwon says, with a lazy smile and a lifted eyebrow, from his place on the floor.

There is a huge Christmas three in the middle of the lounge and all patients that wanted to, have gathered to decorate it. Minhyuk and Jooheon are currently fighting over which colour of bell they want to hang. At the end they forget about it and pick little cute angels, with white tunics and blond hair. Hyungwon is on the floor watching people pick decorations.  
  
The nurses are serving them hot tea and cookies and Hyungwon has never seen so many people together in this room. There are Christmas songs playing and Jackson makes himself known singing the carols way louder than the speakers.

It’s one of the times Hyungwon wants to remember. It was never this festive in his house, with only his mother decorating and his father considering festive music dull. He and his brother were there only for the presents and after growing up not even for that.

Hyungwon watches a small miracle unfold. At the other side of the tree, Kihyun is struggling to find an empty space to place the wooden little star he is holding. Hyunwoo gets close to him and they talk, Hyunwoo chuckles and Kihyun lifts his hands in a negative way. Still, at the end he agrees to whatever Hyunwoo said to him.

Hyungwon stares in awe, as Hyunwoo gets behind Kihyun, kneels and then stands up again, with the smaller man on his shoulders. Kihyun is trembling, Hyunwoo holding his legs and moving closer to the tree steadily. Kihyun puts his star nearly at the top and slides down Hyunwoo’s back thanking him with a hug and blushes all the way to the back of the room.

 

Two days before Christmas, hairdressers come and Hyungwon gets a new haircut, soft bangs at the front, an undercut at the back. His once reddish dyed hair is now returning completely to his natural dark brown. Minhyuk decides to dye his hair black while Jooheon dyes his roots white again. Hyunwoo gets a traditional, short dad haircut and lastly Kihyun follows his example and he looks like a completely different person without his eyes hidden behind long strands.

The nurses keep their promise too. On the 24th of December, with the sun at its highest point they open the doors to let them go out and play in the snow. Kihyun appears out of nowhere with a second scarf and wraps it around Minhyuk’s neck, who forgot his own in his room. Hyungwon is completely covered with clothing except his eyes but the snowball hitting his side still hurts. He spots the culprit- Changkyun and runs after him making snowballs on the way.

They make snow angels and a snowman and play until there is melted snow on everyone and the nurses have every right to call them back inside and send them straight to get hot showers. They decide to use the ones located close to Hyungwon and Kihyun’s room, undressing on the way. Apparently taking showers all together is not uncommon and Hyungwon shares a look with Kihyun, the only ones still dressed while the rest are calling them in before there is no hot water left. Minhyuk catches a cold the next day anyway.

 

They have a lot of visitors too. Jihyun comes with a cake big enough to feed a whole section of patients and Kangwoo takes turns playing with everyone. Minhyuk is undeniably his favourite, tiring him until he retreats to Hyunwoo’s arms to sleep. Since it’s holiday season the visiting hours and days have expanded and Minhyuk’s brother comes to visit him too. They look nothing alike but have the same voice and laugh, as strange as that is.

Changkyun brings them handmade sweets from his mum and Kihyun makes chocolates at the cooking class he is attending. For the first time since forever, Hyungwon is not only craving food, but also trying to eat more than he would normally. Too many treats, too little space.

 

Hyungwon has his fair share of visitors too. His mum comes almost every day, brings him new warm clothes, more covers for his bed and little presents for his friends. Kangwoo likes her too, maybe because she keeps candy in her pockets and Hyungwon thinks she is happier visiting him than she is at home.

He writes simple and typical postcards with wishes to his father and brother and gives them to his mother, to drop them off at the post office, letting them think he’s on a business trip or something of the sort.

Himchan comes by once too, stays only for twenty minutes or less, but it’s more than enough. Hyungwon knows he is running on a tight schedule. He promises to be better soon so he can try Himchan’s favourite sugary coffee at one of their usual coffee shops. He asks how Hoseok is doing. Himchan doesn’t know anything more than that he is still writing, but even Hyunwoo knows that.

 

On Christmas Eve they have a late festive dinner, the doctors staying with their families but the nurses still at the clinic taking care of them. The choir is wonderful and Hyungwon needs to remember to congratulate Sunmi afterwards, if he survives the amount of food he is eating, which is probably more than he used to eat in two weeks before coming to the clinic. Minhyuk keeps filling his plate with more turkey.

There is wine on the table and Hyungwon notices Kihyun’s eyes stuck on it, until he starts talking with Jooheon and the bottle is long forgotten. Nobody in their group drinks and it’s still one of the best nights of his life. He thinks it can only get better, with the trip in two days.

At the end of the night he finds himself tucked and spooned into a bed that’s not his own, with Minhyuk’s nose nuzzling the newly cut hair of his undercut.

 

While waking up with Minhyuk was becoming a habit, waking up with both Minhyuk and Jooheon jumping on his bed and singing “All I want for Christmas is you” was a first. Hyungwon hopes they don’t break everything, or hurt themselves, or him.

He asks for five more minutes but that of course doesn’t work and he finds himself under the two bigger bodies. He’s pretty sure Jooheon will kill him if he doesn’t get off his chest. He pushes them both and feels only the tiniest bit of guilty watching them roll on the carpet.

“Yeah, good morning to you too.”

Hyunwoo is sitting on a chair by the door, Kihyun’s head is poking from the corridor and Hyungwon, with great effort gets up to pick his clothes for the day.

“We have about an hour to get breakfast before leaving.” Hyunwoo sternly reminds them.   
Minhyuk, still on the floor crawls and hugs Hyungwon’s legs.  
   
“I like that sweater on you.” He comments on the piece of clothing Hyungwon is holding, a baby pink, soft and fluffy warm sweater he kept after a photo shoot some years ago.

“Thanks.” He says, selecting a dark pair of jeans to go with it. He is about to lock himself in the bathroom to change, but there’s no real point in it, so he just changes in front of everyone and leaves his clothes on a chair. Laundry will have to wait.

He was insecure, even disgusted by his body, but watching the others not paying attention to it, neither looking at his skinny limps like they are something disturbing puts his mind at ease. Maybe he can try the indoor pool once they get back from the trip. He can ask his mother to bring him his old swimsuit and then ask Hyunwoo to teach how to swim, since he’s been to the sea or pools only a few times in his life.

The cafeteria is decorated with colourful fairy lights and the windows have Santa Claus stickers on them. Luckily, it’s a nice day, no signs of rain on the horizon, save for the harsh winds. Hyungwon eats only a little, afraid of the drive disturbing his stomach and explains it to the others, promising to eat a lot later, when they get to the hotel. Kihyun packs snacks for everyone and makes them keep them into their backpacks to eat on the way.

San is waiting outside, leaning on a blue mini bus, his backpack on his feet. They were told that since it’s only a night they won’t need more than one, or two (if you are Minhyuk and like bathing in snow) changes of clothes.

Hyungwon picks the back corner seat, so he can comfortably sleep, with Hyunwoo next to him and Kihyun at the other end. The other three take the middle seats, squeezing Changkyun in the middle and San is lucky enough to have a spare seat next to the driver’s once. Which does not really discourage Minhyuk from talking to him.

 

Hyungwon abandons any plans of sleeping, his attention on the conversation between Minhyuk and San at the front, going like this:

“I did my search and there is a wildlife sanctuary really close to the area we are gonna stay. Let’s go.”

“And what can visitors do there?”

“Feed the animals! And watch them and interact with them.”

“What kind of animals?”

“The site had pictures of deer and foxes and hares and some birds...”

“And you are gonna scare them all off with your babbling.” Jooheon interrupts and Minhyuk throws him a death glare.  

“If I was a deer I would very much want to be fed by someone as nice as me thank you very much. So can we go San? Pleeeeease.”

“Can’t promise you anything.” Since he is driving and looking ahead, they can’t spot the smile on his lips.

 

“Oh man wow.”

“We should try this sometime.”

Changkyun and Jooheon are completely hyped up by some rapper on the radio, trying to imitate him, not the least merciful to the others’ ears. At the end they start planning their career once they are discharged out of the clinic, because apparently their dream is to become underground rappers and get famous enough to meet someone named Bang and collaborate with him. That’s nice, Hyungwon will take care of their wardrobes.

“Who are your favourite artists?” Changkyun is on his knees, looking at the back row with his phone in hand.

“I’m making a playlist to connect to the speakers, if I have something you like I’ll add it.”

“Some old good Rain, do you have that son?” Hyunwoo says, rubbing the traces of moustache on his face.

“Only the BTS cover of Rainism old man hyung.”

“Nah, that won’t do. Mirotic?”

“Mirotic...” Changkyun scrolls down, on his seemingly endless playlist. “DBSK? Got you.”

“Oh Kangwoo was made listening to that, sweet memories.”

Minhyuk screeches, Jooheon chokes on air.

“Gross. What about you Hyungwon?”

Hyungwon was always pretty mainstream with his music and he says that everything will do.

“Don’t you have any specials?”

“If I had to pick one... August Alsina?” American R&B was always a hit at modelling parties.

“I only have August D hyung.”

“It’s okay, too many middle fingers and tongue technology for my taste but will do.”

“Kihyun hyung?”

Kihyun blushes, hides his face in his hoodie and draws the silence some seconds too long, until he answers.

“Daehyun hyung’s Shadow please.”

 

Getting out of Seoul and to the main national road, there is snow everywhere, San has to lock all windows to prevent them from “enjoying the fresh air” and just enough traffic to stop every half mile. Changkyun’s playlist works fine, it’s the first time Hyungwon hears San singing along to something, then rapping with their soon to become famous underground rapper duo. Hyunwoo is snoring, Kihyun looks like a stuffed hoodie and Hyungwon does his best to sleep, he’s gonna need the energy later.

He is woken up by cold air and screaming. The good kind. Minhyuk is out of the car, on the snow running in circles and shouting how awesome the place is, thanking San again and again. Jooheon soon joins. Changkyun sneaks into the backseat and wakes Kihyun up with hugs and Hyungwon for the first time thinks he needs a camera to capture the moment before his heart explodes from the cuteness. He puts his coat on to get outside as well.

There is sure a hotel, but there is also everything else one could dream of. A huge one-store building with grey smoke coming out of the chimney at the end of a skiing centre. San clears out that they are not going to do any skiing or other winter sports, since nobody is trained and he is sure there are gonna be accidents.

They snack on the sandwiches and juices Kihyun packed, before going to the hotel’s reception to take their room keys and leave their stuff. San has booked four rooms, one for himself and the others shared. They play rock paper scissors to determine the roommates’ combination. Kihyun and Hyungwon are the first to lose, then Jooheon and Hyunwoo, leaving Minhyuk and Changkyun together.

First stop are the rooms, spacious, clean and with a great view of the snowy slopes, people seen as little as dots sliding down and being carried back up the hills. Hyungwon momentarily remembers a promise to spend a weekend on such a place with Hoseok, a long time ago. Then he realises what Kihyun is staring at, the double bed.

“You are okay with that right?”

“If you are okay too.”

“I know you are sleeping with Minhyuk all the time.” It sounds suspicious.

“As long as we don’t share covers I think it’s alright. I mean, I don’t mind sleeping with anyone, just for the convenience.”

“Can I take the left side?”

“Yeah, sure.”

His relationship with Kihyun has improved a lot over the past month, but they were still awkward with each other sometimes. Moreover, Hyungwon knew practically nothing about the other man. Kihyun was always very careful with his words and hasn’t told them much about his life. All that Hyungwon knew was that he had a drinking and drug problem and he still craved them and couldn’t sleep sometimes, that was all. No mentions of family, job or anything of the sort.

“Guys, when you are ready San wants us down at the hall thing!”

That’s Hyunwoo’s voice and then footsteps and hustle. Kihyun is in the bathroom and Hyungwon opens the balcony door to take a good look outside. In his apartment in Seoul, he has a great view of the city, a big factor of choosing the place.

His window at the clinic is always locked and he missed this, the simple gesture of being able to open the window and feel the wind and the sun and hear the voices of people unfiltered. Kihyun steps beside him and Hyungwon swears he looks like he’s holding back tears.

“Beautiful place right?”

“Yeah...”

San treats them all to hot chocolate, the kind that tastes like actual melted chocolate, rich and sugary and Hyungwon regrets not drinking anything but tea for so long. The beverage’s top is decorated with whipped cream and marshmallows, which he offers to Minhyuk next to him. Minhyuk accepts and while Hyungwon waits for him to lean into his space and lick the cream off his mug, Minhyuk takes it with a finger instead.

Then smears it to Kihyun’s face. Everyone waits for Kihyun to get angry, maybe shout at Minhyuk but he doesn’t. He laughs and asks Changkyun to take a photo of his new beard. Then he cleans it off with his tongue the best he can.

“Okay boys, wanna know the plans for today?”  
Silence and frantic nodding.

“If you like it, after lunch we can take the cable car to reach a high enough point on the mountain and take photos and...” Minhyuk holds his breath, the magic words are coming “play with the snow, try not to catch a cold. Again.”

“Can I take my polaroid with me?” Minhyuk asks, taking the small blue camera from his pocket. Hyungsik had one of those when they were younger but never let Hyungwon use it to see what it’s like.

“Of course you can, take a good photo for our wall.”

“Is that all we are doing?” Changkyun’s voice is muffled, his head laying on his hands, on the table.

“I thought we could try the sauna and hot springs in the hotel later, the first does only require a towel, the second swimming tracks but I think we can get some from the hotel.”

“I am so up for getting hot and sweaty with you guys.”

“Minhyuk, please.”

The view from the top of the artificial steep slope is magnificent. Hyungwon tucks himself next to Hyunwoo, who is comfortable in only in a jacket, being an actual human heating machine. Changkyun takes photos with his phone, a little sloppy, far lower in quality from the professional ones Hyungwon is used to.

But they are happy and it shows and Changkyun promises to mail them when he gets home. Hyunwoo has to leave his side, to forcibly take Minhyuk off the snow, were he is making snow angels, his feet covered in frost up to the knee.

Minhyuk clings like a koala on Hyunwoo, resulting in Jooheon getting jealous of him and hugging Hyunwoo from his free side, Changkyun follows and San looks at Hyungwon and Kihyun, silently asking them if they want to join.

Hyunwoo ends up on the snow with a people-pile on him. San on top wiggling until they all get their fair share of snow in their shoes. It starts getting dark and they take a last selfie with the valley as the background before going down there again. It’s so good they decide to hang it to their wall.

 

Hyungwon feels like he’s on a cloud, floating away from all his problems. The dump wood is comforting on his back and his usually aching body is as good as new. Sauna first, pool afterwards, that’s what San told them and they split in two teams of three and four in order to get to the small rooms.

Hyungwon is with Hyunwoo and Kihyun, all three thankful for the peace and quiet they can enjoy. Partly, because there’s that occasional high pitched laughter coming from the other side of the wall. The steam is dulling Hyungwon’s senses, slowly lulling him to sleep. The other two seem to be in a similar state, Hyunwoo sliding down the wall, not making the effort to keep his towel on place anymore.

“Hyunwoo, hyung?” Kihyun’s voice is unsteady, low, like every time he’s not sure he must say something.

“Yeah?” Hyunwoo lays with his eyes closed, words lethargically coming out.

“How is therapy going?”

“It’s going well, why?”

“It would be nice to bring your family here.”

“A little too expensive for us probably, but yes.”

“I don’t want you to go away, but then again, it’s all I wish for you.”

“We won’t lose contact Kihyun, don’t worry. You are awfully sentimental today.”

“Must be the clean air.”

Hyungwon feels like he is interrupting something that must have been said in private. He knows Kihyun is close to Changkyun, but lately to Hyunwoo too. He remembers Kihyun briefly mentioning that he grew up without much of a father figure, his own always away on business trips.

Maybe Hyunwoo is just what he needed his whole life. Someone not worth disappointing with his poor life choices. Hyungwon can partly feel it, maybe all of them need Hyunwoo so much as a fatherly figure. Hyungwon is suddenly scared of the consequences of Hyunwoo leaving early. 

“Same goes for you too neighbour. Let’s find each other again when you get chubby and soft.”

A hotel staff member opens their door to announce that their time, thirty whole minutes is over and leaves, Hyunwoo frantically trying to cover himself, spread opposed to the open door. Hyungwon gets to the lockers to get dressed again, spotting the rest coming out of the next room.

Minhyuk’s skin is shiny and red, hair dump and eyes unfocused. Hyungwon shifts his attention to literally everything else in the room. He has accepted that thinking of Hoseok doesn’t help anymore. At least he has to not think about Minhyuk when other people are present. Preferably not even Minhyuk himself, for the time being.

San drags his feet to the locker room. Probably spending so much time with his beloved patients wasn’t the best of ideas after all. He asks about the swimsuits and with a quick glance decides on the sizes they will need.

They are told to wait by the pool and he takes the role of the kindergarten teacher being on a trip with his class. Keeping them quiet, not to hurt themselves and not get lost. Hyunwoo is pretty good at all three categories, the others still lack.

The swimsuit feels strange on Hyungwon’s skin, but he doesn’t have enough time to get used to it. With his shirt still on and inspecting the pool, someone tackles him into the water and for seconds, he opens his eyes and sees Minhyuk, underwater with light creating colourful patches on his skin, looking ethereal. Hyungwon thinks of all the romantic movies he has ever seen, of how lovers look, really look at each other for the first time and realize they may be in love.

He flails his arms, getting to the surface for air, Minhyuk in front of him smiling so widely. He is in love with that smile, and the rest of him.

 

Jooheon Naruto runs into the pool and he is pretty sure a lifeguard whistles somewhere in the distance. San gets in with his shirt on too and lazily swims to the Jacuzzi area. Changkyun is sitting with only his legs inside the water and Kihyun joins him. They are chatting and splashing water to each other until their shirts are soaked.

Jooheon and Hyunwoo are playing something, it’s looking like they are trying to drown each other, but are effectively letting Hyungwon and Minhyuk in their own little bubble. Hyungwon cannot escape Minhyuk’s eyes, big, stuck on his lips and he suspects that the same thought is passing their minds at the moment.

“Fuck” It comes out of Minhyuk’s lips softly, in a little husky voice. He turns his back to Hyungwon and swims away, to play with Hyunwoo and Jooheon, leaving Hyungwon amused, confused and with something feeling a lot like butterflies in his stomach.

He paddles to the Jacuzzis, exchanging a look with San. He suddenly becomes aware that their therapist saw them, so he knows. Probably everyone knows.

They spend a lot of time in the pool. Until every part of his skin becomes wrinkled and they joke that Hyunwoo is now an actual old man. They play fight lifting each other on their shoulders and Hyungwon ends up on Minhyuk, losing from Changkyun and sliding down Minhyuk’s back, imagining how it would feel to kiss the soft skin there, how Minhyuk would shiver.

He keeps his shirt on, not ashamed of the way it sticks to his body and makes the bones of his ribcage stand out. He’s receiving some strange looks, but he reminds himself. It’s just because he is so pretty.

They are all tired when they get out, helping each other rub themselves dry with the towels provided by the hotel. Jooheon takes a semi-asleep Changkyun on his back to carry him to his room. Kihyun lies on the bed and Hyungwon has to tickle him until he gets up to put clothes on. Kihyun giggles until Hyungwon wraps him in the towel and pulls him off the bed.

They take showers and gather again in the corridor to go to dinner, at the restaurant’s fancy buffet. A wonderful upgrade from their clinic.

 

“Is it really okay for us to stay up so late?”

“Why not, we are adults.”

Hyungwon looks at his feet and then back up at Changkyun’s sleeping form on the bed. It’s around one am, maybe later and they are the only ones left, after playing cards in Minhyuk and Changkyun’s room. One by one the rest retreated to their rooms to sleep, San too, after making them promise to keep their voices down and get enough sleep.

 Hyungwon and Minhyuk stayed on their spots on the floor, pack of cards on their feet. They were talking in whispers, careful not to wake Changkyun up, peacefully snoring in the middle of the bed.

 

They talked about their families, something they never had enough time to do properly at the group sessions. Hyungwon stayed attentive to Minhyuk’s story, almost the same and yet so different from his own. Minhyuk has a younger brother too, he’s at the army now, finishing his service. Minhyuk gave him a watch as a gift before leaving.

He was also the only one ever visiting, but now he can’t do it often, with his few free days. His parents never call, denying he has an actual problem. After all, his son’s depression would ruin the perfectly happy image they wanted to preserve for their family.

“Depression is not sadness and it’s not even fake smiles and not only the cuts on my arms and legs.” Minhyuk tells him how it started, around ten years ago, when he was at high school. “I couldn’t concentrate in class, my grades were so bad that my father used to send me to bed without dinner for weeks, until I brought back a decent mark again.”

He looks like he is gonna cry and Hyungwon takes Minhyuk hands, rubbing them between his own and offers a smile.

Then Minhyuk got his first computer and an internet connection. “I am one of those guys who spend all their money and time on the computer and others make fun of them on the internet.”

“You were.”

“I think I would still be, if they let us properly play good videogames at the computer room for once.”

Minhyuk isn’t sure how his depression started escalating. Maybe with sleepless nights in front of the screen and sleeping on his desk the next morning. Maybe with how his classmates laughed to his jokes but he was never invited anywhere and sat alone between the classes. Maybe at having to babysit his brother when their parents were never around and he was so scared he’ll do something wrong with him and end up being scolded about it too.

Hyungwon interacted for seconds with Minhyuk’s brother, but he is sure he turned out just right. And the older brother is gonna be all right soon too.

Minhyuk started cutting himself when his father got angry and took his computer screen, or mouse away, for the first times. He realised he kind of felt good hurting himself and kept doing it. His brother at this point was old enough to notice, but it still took him years to ask Minhyuk and he is the least one to be blamed. The scars are from years and years of digging into the same spot, with razors, rulers, his nails.

“They are ugly. I wish I could get rid of them somehow.” His sleeves are long but Minhyuk rubs the inside of his arms. Hyungwon thinks of the first time he saw Minhyuk in the shower. He was surprised, yes, but not disgusted. If he didn’t know Minhyuk, he might have been, but how can a person so bright be anything else than beautiful.

Hyungwon wants to kiss every scar, everywhere, then maybe kiss him some more and tell him, how beautiful he is to Hyungwon’s eyes. As if he senses Hyungwon’s thoughts, Minhyuk draws his hands from the hold and puts them into his sweater’s pockets, shy.

“I had some internet relationships, boyfriends. It was nice at first, comforting. Then we started fighting, or they became petty, or just found something worth their time, someone they could touch and touch them back instead of being separated by a screen, miles of roads or seas and hour differences. They did me more bad than good but thankfully, nobody noticed. Except my brother, he is the only one who knows everything.”

“What about your degree, it was literature right?”

“Yeah, I liked it, I loved it and I was good, well-liked by the professors. I was in a way, calmer, but  I was constantly tired. I connected with my online friends by playing videogames but I became addicted. I did well at university, I did some volunteer work, I did well at my games and there was nothing left for other interactions with the real world. I didn’t mind my non-existing circle of friends or inability to do anything productive for days. My papers were all submitted on time, I’m still not sure how I did it.”

“Hey Minhyuk, let’s go downstairs, to the lounge.” It felt wrong to talk with Changkyun there. Minhyuk agreed, turning the lights off before exiting the room. They walked to the elevator in silence, spotting the green decorations on the mirror inside. Christmas lights and mistletoe.

“Did you write poems, for university?”

“I still write poems.”

“What kind?”

“Hopelessly romantic.”

They both stare at the mistletoe until the doors open to the ground floor.

 

There is only the receptionist left in the lounge area and they pick the couch furthest from him, a beige, spacious one and still Hyungwon sits right next to Minhyuk. He thinks they both need the spark of affection, or he’s being wrong and selfish, because he certainly needs it.

“What happened afterwards?”

“I tried to commit suicide one month after finishing my degree. I was back at home, my parents were out at work and I thought Minwoo was at school. He was the one who found me, coming home early. I was…”

Minhyuk struggles to get the words out. “It’s okay if you don’t want to keep going…” Hyungwon uses his sweetest voice and wants to hug him. He probably should. So he does. Minhyuk lets out a shaky breath, buries his face in Hyungwon’s neck and talks against his skin.

“I was in the bathroom, vomiting and he heard me. I had overdosed on everything I found in the medicine cabinet. He called the ambulance and my parents made me come to the clinic. That was the first time, I only stayed for a few weeks and went back home.”

“Why did you try to kill yourself?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t know. I felt like shit, but for years. I guess I thought there wasn’t any reason for me to live anymore. Then I tried to hang myself, from the shower curtain. It was dumb. I broke it and falling down I got a head concussion. My father found the ropes and send me back here. It’s funny, how he pays for this and yet denies that something is wrong. Maybe he is the one who needs to see the therapist.”

“Parents are funny like this sometimes.” Hyungwon says bitterly.

“Yeah.”

“How did you met the others?”

“From therapy, just like you and Kihyun came to us. I’m glad I met you. You know that Hyunwoo is going out soon?”

“Is he?” Hyungwon thinks of the man, happy at home with his family.

“He will be doing memory exercises and hopefully, with a stress-free life and mental support he can keep going for years. I’m not scared for him, he’s strong. We all are.”

“After all, he’ll be visiting.”

“And we’ll see Kangwoo grow up too.”

“Can I ask something?”

“Of course.”

“Why…I’m curious about Gunhee. I hear his name and I’ve seen him in photos, but he never visited as far as I know.”

“Oh…I’m not sure how much I am supposed to tell you. He’s Jooheon’s step brother.”

“I think I know about that. I think Jooheon does not like him.”

“Jooheon’s girlfriend, she is a close friend of Gunhee.” Hyungwon nods. “When he hurt her, Gunhee was the first one to find out about it.”

“Did he hurt Jooheon?”

“He found Jooheon after some days -they were not living in the same house- and broke his nose and I don’t know what else. The police got involved and they ended up both at the clinic. Gunhee was the first one to leave, Jooheon has still long way to go.”

“But I’ve never seen him get angry, or violent.”

“I have, once. I wish nobody has to see it again.”

A few weeks ago, Minhyuk had told him he wants to kill himself. He doesn’t sound like it anymore and Hyungwon can’t help but wonder. If it was just a passing thought on one of Minhyuk’s bad days, or if something happened to change it. There’s only one way to find out.

“Hey Minhyuk. Remember what you told me, about changing lives with Hyunwoo?”

“I do.”

“Do you still want that?”

“No, I don’t.”

“So are you getting better?”

“I don’t know if I’m getting better, but I know I found a good reason not to kill myself.”

He smiles at Hyungwon, so lovingly that for one moment he believes he is Minhyuk’s reason. Maybe he is.

They talk a little more, about Minwoo. It makes Minhyuk happy, but they have to go to their rooms, catch up some sleep to have energy for the second day of their trip. On the corridor, before parting, Hyungwon feels Minhyuk poking his side with a “goodnight”. When he gets to his room to change clothes, he finds in his pocket a twig of mistletoe.

 

“Hyungwon. Wake up.”

“Hmff…”

Changkyun rolls off him and the bed moves from someone else’s weight. He’s not sure why Jooheon is trying to get him out of bed, but supposes it’s got something to do with the breakfast being served and Kihyun fully dressed at the door.

San is waiting at a table with enough chairs, drinking his coffee as they raid the buffet. Hyunwoo is next to Hyungwon, creating a cholesterol pile on his plate.

“Hey Hyungwon, treat yourself.” And a piece of bacon lands on his plate. He’s pretty sure he has tried bacon less than three times him whole life. He fills the rest of his plate with fruits and low fat cheese and heads to the table.

Minhyuk is feeding Changkyun cereal, stolen from Kihyun’s plate, with Jooheon’s spoon. Hyungwon’s food choices are too healthy to be worth stealing and anyway, they are all happy to watch him eat and rarely disturb him. Which is great, because he can try his bacon in peace.

San seems rested enough, he went to sleep earlier than anyone and had the room to himself. He asks how they spend the night. They answer that they didn’t stay long and it’s obvious that he doesn’t believe them, but can also do nothing about it.

“I have something fun for us today.”

“Squirrels!”

“No Minhyuk…well, there may be squirrels but I can’t promise you anything.”

“So no sanctuary…”

The frown on Minhyuk’s face, paired with puppy eyes is almost irresistible. The one person who can resist it also happens to be their therapist.

“Next time. Today, we can go play outside for a while before going and then, on our way back we’ll pass by a nice place.”

“What does that mean?” Kihyun is sipping his coffee suspiciously.

“You’ll see, after breakfast bring all your stuff to the van and we’ll get going.”

Kihyun is back to his distant but caring shelf, the previous day’s sentiments forever forgotten, putting everything into his bag and then helping Hyungwon make his own. They go down together, to find only Hyunwoo at the lounge waiting. With a quick look, they can see the other three out in the snow and San further away, loading the car.

Hyungwon goes out, the freezing air, or what reaches his skin after layers and layers of clothing cool and fresh, making him want to take a deep breath. He helps Changkyun make a snowman, finds sticks for his hands and leaves to make a scarf, two rocks for eyes. They know better than to use their scarves, Kihyun won’t have mercy on them.

They ask a stranger to use Changkyun’s phone to take a good picture with all of them, including San, around their snowman before going. The last snowballs are thrown around and Minhyuk has to be forcibly dragged into the car. It takes him less than ten minutes of smooth driving and soft music to fall asleep.

 

When Hyungwon is shaken up again, they are in a parking area, not so far from the clinic, judging from the time. Then he notices the building in front of him. A piano. San is proudly smiling, for his choice. Hyungwon can hear running water, lots of it. He turns his head and gasps, at the waterfall behind them.

There is a map and some information. The place is known as “Piano Waterfalls”, because of the waterfalls and the piano-shaped building in front of them, which is a resting area for travellers. It’s considerably less cold than the skiing centre but still not ideal for sitting outside for too long.

They get inside for hot chocolates, admiring the view from the first floor, a forest in orange and red colours, the waterfalls completing the calming image. Hyungwon is in front of the glass windows when Minhyuk sneaks behind him, for a back hug, careful with the mug in Hyungwon’s hands.

“I can feel you’ve put some weight.”

“Do you hug me to check my weight gaining process?”

“Not really, but it’s not a bad idea, I might start.”  
Hyungwon lowers his voice.

“Slept well?”

“I would prefer to stay up with you the whole night.”

Then Jooheon asks Minhyuk to go to the toilet with him and that they all need to try out the muffins. Hyungwon tries the orange flavoured one and it melts in his mouth, washed down with the chocolate.

They get as close to the waterfall as they can, to take more photos and play with the water. San gives Kihyun a piece of paper and he makes a little boat, for Changkyun to write their names and let it in the lake. Hyunwoo tries drinking the water, but a tour guide walking around tells him it’s not recommended, joking that he will accidentally swallow a frog. Hyunwoo comments that his son would like them to have a pet frog, but his wife won’t allow it.

They sleep off the rest of the way back to the clinic, with the car’s heating turned on the highest and on each other to achieve maximum warmth. The gates of the garden are welcoming, San parking the car in front of the main entrance. They all take turns to hug him and he seems content, giving thumbs up and saying they did a great job.

They grab lunch from the cafeteria and head for their rooms, too tired to even nap in front of the televisions. Opening his room’s door, Hyungwon realises he almost missed it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good morning/evening dear readers who made it until here!  
> A little update on the schedule for whoever might be interested: Chapter 7 will be uploaded on Tuesday and the rest (8-10), from Thursday to Saturday. The remaining chapters are relatively smaller, compared to the first ones but as you can guess the story is coming to an end~  
> Enjoy!

Hyunwoo leaves on the eleventh day of the New Year. Jihyun comes with Kangwoo on a Sunday to pick him up, leaving homemade kimchi and sweets to Minhyuk, to share with the group. Hyunwoo, with Kangwoo on his shoulders hugs each one before going, leaving Minhyuk last. He stands in front of him with a stern face and pats his shoulders with both hands.

“You are the older one now, so you need to take care of them and I’ll come check on you next week.”

Minhyuk weeps when Hyunwoo’s strong arms embrace him into a tight hug and promises to be the good hyung everyone needs. Hyungwon rubs Kangwoo’s back, just before the family gets out to the parking.

It’s a little sad and a lot of happy, because Hyunwoo will start working at the restaurant again and they need to get better and go there to have dinner soon. He’ll be visiting every week anyway.

Their first group session without Hyunwoo is painful. San wants them all to remember their moments with him and there is so much. For Hyungwon, Hyunwoo is like a rock in the middle of a wild sea. Relaxed, steady, an anchor, in the side-lines, but always there, a strong presence. Hyungwon also knows, he was not the one who needed him the most.

 

On the fourteenth day of the New Year, Jooheon breaks down. They are at the cafeteria, Hyungwon with Minhyuk picking salad in a large bowl and Kihyun with Jooheon waiting back at their table with the rest of their lunch. There is a loud thud and Hyungwon turns around, Jooheon standing beside the table, his plate on the floor and his hands trembling.

Kihyun gets up to help him clean up the contents of his plates from the floor but Jooheon suddenly lifts his arm, aiming to punch him and missing, Kihyun taking a step back in time. Then Jooheon starts shouting and if Hyungwon could describe it in a way, it would be plainly scary.

Jooheon takes the rest of the plates from the table and throws them on the floor, tries breaking the plastic cups and stomps on them with his feet. He is raising his voice more than Hyungwon ever heard him, screaming incoherently, about the food and how he is trapped in the clinic and Hyungwon thinks he hears Hyunwoo’s name.

It takes less than ten seconds, for two nurses and Minhyuk to get to him. A third nurse tries to keep Minhyuk away and a forth is next to Kihyun. Hyungwon stands in front of the scene frozen, watching as Jooheon is trashing around, the nurses trying to calm him down, not touching him.

Minhyuk escapes the nurse who’s holding him and walks straight to Jooheon, looking at him and opening his arms. Hyungwon holds his breath as Jooheon’s fist collides with Minhyuk’s stomach. Minhyuk barely flinches and closes the short distance between them, hugging Jooheon’s waist and rubbing his back.

Jooheon hugs him back, weakly and starts sliding down, sobbing. It’s ugly, tears running down his cheeks mixed with snot and Minhyuk leaves him fall on the floor as he doubles over on the nearest chair, hands over his stomach.

Some of the bystanders leave, some resume their lunch, the nurses and a medical team taking both Jooheon and Minhyuk away, seemingly on different places. Hyungwon returns to Kihyun, who is shaking, thankfully not hurt. They take some food and return to their rooms, hoping to hear from the others soon.

 

 Hyungwon stays in his room the whole afternoon, until it gets dark and still, he doesn’t want to step out and go for dinner. He can occasionally hear Kihyun pacing around his room, until the soft buzz of voices from outside are enough to lull him to sleep, on top of his covers, with his clothes still on.

Hyungwon wakes up in the middle of the night, under the covers, with a warm buddy pressing close to his own. He stirs, to find Minhyuk’s head on his pillow. The black haired man smiles at Hyungwon and throws an arm around his waist. Hyungwon needs some time, to fully wake up and realize what is happening.

“Hey.” Minhyuk’s free hand moves to comb his hair.

“Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Jooheon hit you.”

“It’s okay.”

“Has this happened before?”

“No…not with me.”

“Hyunwoo?”

Minhyuk nods and Hyungwon touches his shirt, just above the waistband of his pants.

  
“Can I see?”

Hyungwon lifts Minhyuk’s shirt slowly, letting his eyes get used to the darkness of the room. There is a bruise, as big as Hyungwon’s palm, low on Minhyuk’s belly.

“It doesn’t hurt. They checked me and it’ll go away soon. Don’t worry.”

“You were right, he is scary.”

“He didn’t mean it. Are you okay?”

“You need to ask Kihyun that. Where did they get him?”

“Probably to his therapist and then to his room, they won’t put him in a cage or anything like that, just keep a closer eye on him.”

A comfortable silence spreads between them, Minhyuk’s shirt still up, Hyungwon’s hand on his stomach, a finger mindlessly tracing lines on his skin. He came to love Minhyuk’s skin so much.

“Why are you here?” He finds himself asking.

“Do you mind me sleeping with you?”

“No, I really don’t.”

“I’m glad. Most find it strange, to sleep with someone else. It helps me get through difficult days. You’ve helped me so much Hyungwon.”

“I barely did anything.”

“Be it luck or fate, I’m thankful. For you being here. I couldn’t sleep alone tonight, I was thinking of hurting myself. Even if there was no way to do it, I wanted to. You make me feel good.”

And Hyungwon wished to be able to make him feel even better, in every way. Their lips were inches apart, he could just lean in, close his eyes and kiss Minhyuk, the twig of mistletoe somewhere around the room. If that wasn’t enough of a message, what else could it be?

Minhyuk leans in first, Hyungwon closes his eyes, trying not to nervously giggle like he is in high school, sneaking with his first boyfriend again. Minhyuk pecks the tip of his nose softly and caresses his cheek.

  
“Oh Hyungwon dear.” He opens his eyes, the butterflies confused and flying all around.

“Yes?” He whispers back, trying his best to sound casual.

“I’m scared.”

“Of me?”

“Of commitment, of doing anything with someone else. I’ve never done it before.”

Hyungwon takes Minhyuk’s hand and kisses his fingers, keeping it in his own. He knows the gesture calms Minhyuk down.

“We can take it slow, whatever this is, we can make one step at a time, together.”

“I’d like that. You are too good for me Hyungwon.”

“I could say the same for you too.”

Minhyuk hides his face in the pillow, a good chance for Hyungwon to kiss the crown of his hair and tuck him under his chin. With the little bit of extra weight he has put on and his height, he often feels like he can naturally be the big spoon to them.

“Hyungwon, I know you want to kiss me. I want it too.”

“Why don’t you do it? Or let me do it.”

A deep breath. He sounded needy, he sounded pressuring and that’s not what Minhyuk needs.

"Look Hyungwon. My erotic, sex, whatever you want to call it drive, it’s basically dead since I started taking strong medication. I want to do it, I want it so much but I also want to be sure to be able to give back as much as I will take from you. I want to feel everything, our first kiss, I don’t want it to be here, like this.”

Hyungwon understands the feeling. He’s hopeful, to be out soon, along with Minhyuk. They can keep each other in check and that’s healthy enough. It’s the most mentally healthy he has been for years, maybe Minhyuk too.

“Where would you want out first date to be?”

“Our first date? Like, a real date?”

“A very real date.”

“I haven’t been on any dates. But also I haven’t been out a lot. I’d like walking around, visiting some park or garden of sorts and getting ice cream, hand to hand.” Minhyuk looks like a kid who’s given a lollipop, blush spreading on his cheeks and every word animated by his hands.

“Then we are surely doing this.”  
  
“Hyungwon, we’re stuck here.” He hates the way his voice breaks, the words get hard to come out.

“No, not for long. I’m so much better, aren’t you too?”

Minhyuk plays with the hem of his shirt, brushing his neck, hesitantly, taking up a little more time to answer.

“In another life, we would be so happy and in love together Hyungwon.”

“We can be in this life too.”  
  
Minhyuk tosses and turns in his sleep the whole night. Hyungwon is there to keep him in place, next to him.

 

“So you think you are in love.”

“I am almost sure I am in love.”

“With Minhyuk?”

“With Minhyuk.

“Okay.”

  
Hyungsoo, his therapist is taking notes in his little notebook. They talked about the trip and then Jooheon. Naturally, Minhyuk came into the picture and that’s when the therapist started asking questions. Ones difficult for Hyungwon to answer without blushing and looking at his shoes. Hyungwon says he is sure Minhyuk is not gonna hurt him, he is more scared of hurting Minhyuk, with his impatience.

Hyungsoo asks if the feeling is the same with the one he experienced in previous relationships. It’s difficult to say.  He used to sneak behind the school building to steal kisses and later on, he dined with his romantic interests in fancy five star restaurants drinking the most expensive wine on the menu. After that, he mostly stayed home after work, when his eating disorder appeared, but still his relationship was kept on a completely different level.

He doesn’t know how to properly answer so instead he says how Minhyuk makes him feel, like he is flying and the most grounded person on earth at the same time. How much he wants to date him, to hold his hand, to sleep together and go on road trips to all the national parks of Jeju. He just wants to make Minhyuk happy and he can’t help but think that happiness is a key to his own one.

Hyungsoo listens to all of it, offering his encouraging tiny smiles through the session. He helps Hyungwon understand that Minhyuk needs his fair share of time, not only because he is inexperienced, but also because he’s been through a lot and they both deserve the best they can get. Hyungwon keeps every word in mind.

He is scared of many other things too. Of leaving the clinic and Minhyuk behind and one of them finding someone else. Distance never worked to anyone’s favour. Of hurting Minhyuk, or dealing with a hurt Minhyuk, as selfish as that sounds. Of co-dependency. 

He knows Minhyuk will treat him better than anyone else, because apart from everything he says, even thinks, Hyungwon knows he appreciates life more than anyone. That’s why he wants to live, to get out and see everything the world has to offer. He only needed a companion and now that he found him, they are good to go.

He doesn’t try comparing Minhyuk with anyone else. He is a category of his own. Someone Hyungwon could commit to and spend time for and with. He looks at Hyungsoo concerned. Is he pushing? Is he rushing things? Is the whole situation just an unrealistic one?

His therapist isn’t the one who’ll answer most of these, theoretical questions. They get back to point one, trying to reduce his stress levels and have more organized thoughts. It’s working well, until Minhyuk passes by his mind again.

“So what do you think?”

Hyungsoo smirks.

“That you might be in love. But that’s not for me to find out”

 

 “Do you want to tell us something? You’re restless today.”  
Jooheon stops moving his leg up and down and looks at San, who’s at the top of the almost circle they have formed sitting on the floor. Jooheon sits next to Minhyuk, but not as close as he usually does and they have not exchanged a single word. Minhyuk tried making him talk in the flow of conversation but they could only get few words out of him.

“I’m angry.”

“Okay. Why?”

“With myself.”

“Why?”

“Because I lost control and hurt Minhyuk and Kihyun.”

“Would it be different if you didn’t hurt anyone?”

“Maybe.”

“How?”

“I wouldn’t affect others with my behaviour.”

“You would still hurt yourself. Did you said to them you are sorry?”  
Minhyuk and Kihyun exchange a look across the room, while Jooheon is getting on his knees and bows deeply, his forehead touching the floor.

“Minhyuk-hyung, Kihyun-hyung, I am sorry for hurting you and I will do my best to never let it happen again, with anyone.”

San scans the room with his eyes, stopping on the two.

“Do you accept the apology?”

“Of course” says Minhyuk, “I do” follows Kihyun.

Hyungwon, from his place on the carpet is watching them, Jooheon’s eyes getting softer, watery until some tears appear and Minhyuk crawls to hug him and rub his back. He adapted to the position of the protector and caretaker easily, after Hyunwoo left.

Hyungwon doesn’t have much to say but still, watching Minhyuk, who selflessly gives all his love away to his friends makes his heart beat a little faster. The bruise on his stomach will fade, but his love for Jooheon not.

And Jooheon is trying so hard and his new medication will be even stronger and the doctor told him he might lose some hair, which freaks him out. Minhyuk reminds him that literally every person in the room except San is losing hair because of medication, stress, malnutrition or a combination of all three.

They go for lunch all together again and Changkyun uses his phone to call Hyunwoo to video chat, who takes a couple minutes to answer but when he does, he’s on a couch, his own home’s couch Hyungwon realises, but there is little light. Something is moving next to him, a smaller hand waving at the phone’s camera, Kangwoo.

“We are in the middle of something important right now, I can’t really stay long,”

“Dad built us a pillow fort to surprise mum when she comes home!”  
Minhyuk dramatically clenches his fists close to his chest whispering “that’s just so cute.”

 

After lunch, Hyungwon has to see his nutritionist. He’s nervously biting on his nails. He ate a lot during the holidays, so it must be okay. But the last few days were strange and he found himself neglecting his protesting stomach a lot. Going right after lunch makes him feel a little better, the numbers on the scale will go a bit up more easily. He drinks a lot of water.

Dr.Kim, is at the reception of his office, helping his secretary with something on the computer when Hyungwon gets in. They both greet and ask him to wait a few minutes. He gets comfortable on the couch and looks down, at his lap. Surely enough, something has changed there.

His hands don’t look like graceless dry sticks and the skin beneath his fingernails is a healthier shade of pink instead of white. There is also some body fat, on his belly, barely jiggling when he sits crouched. He pokes it with a finger and it’s soft. Not Jooheon or Minhyuk soft, but still, something new, or forgotten for him. Dr.Kim calls him into his office.

They go through the usual, measuring his weight, muscles, body fat, general questions about his diet through the week. He gained half a kilo, which is a lot, the second highest weight he has gained in the span of only one week. The doctor is clever enough to not take into account the extra water, when Hyungwon feels honest enough to tell him that he drank a lot.

The sit on the desk again, a number of papers on it, most with Hyungwon’s name on them. Dr.Kim wants them to talk about his progress and how he feels about it. He doesn’t hesitate to say that he is proud of himself, that he can see the changes on his body.

They go over every week and plan, with the help of diagrams, of his weight and its alterations. On top of the page, on one side, his weight when he first came to the clinic is written and on the other his goal weight. The two numbers are twenty and a half kilograms apart and so far, he is midway. He is informed that the rest will be more difficult, since his body is getting accustomed to more normal eating habits.

There is something different at their session, taking long, his new week’s schedule nowhere to be seen yet. It’s usually already printed when he gets there and they only work on the details. There are only his records from the previous months and the diagrams, graphs made in bright red and green colours. His fat and muscle ratios are still quite depressing. Spring is coming and he can at last start trying swimming.

“Hyungwon, you are one of the very few patients with that kind of problem, a serious eating disorder that have gotten better so fast. You are really dedicated to getting out of here right? I’m glad.” He’s not, because getting out of there would mean he couldn’t see his closer friends every day. Still, he knew he had to nod and smile. That was the original plan.

Dr.Kim has some more papers to show him, not with his name on them, just expectations of the future. Seven to nine more months, that’s how long it will take him, to get to his ideal weight and be able to keep it.

“I’m sure you want to start working again soon Hyungwon, get out, meet your friends, build your reputation from the start. I want you to be healthy and happy and of course, I will still be here and if you agree, we can meet every one or two weeks.”

“What do you mean doctor?”

“I talked with your therapist as well, we agreed that a week more here, will be sufficient for you. Then, you can leave.”

Hyungwon is shocked, on autopilot gathering the papers and leaving, heading to the cafeteria to take a bottle of frozen tea and climbing the stairs to his room. He had promised to go for painting later but will be a little late. He needs to call his mother.

 

The nurse is in her office, leaves when he asks if he can make a phone call, says she’ll be back later and he’s free to. Hyungwon sits on her big fake leather chair, pulling the telephone closer to him. He has no idea of what exactly he is supposed to say. He dials the number and holds his breath while it’s ringing.

“Yes?”

“Mum, it’s me.”

“Hyungwon dear! How are you? I was just thinking that I wanted to talk with you.”

“Did something happen?”

“Oh, yes. Your brother is getting married, in a month.”

“I see…”

“You sound tired, long day?”

“Actually I wanted to tell you. I’m leaving soon. I’ll go back home next week.”

“Dear, that’s great news! Do you want me to come help you with anything?”

“No mum, it’ll be okay.” He’ll ask the others to help him move his things, maybe wash his car if they can, it will be fun.

“You don’t sound so happy about it.”

“I am happy enough.”

“Is something holding you there?”  
  
Hyungwon thinks of that smile and the black hair and the loving warm hands hugging him. He takes a deep breath, feeling for once like he needs to be honest. He can feel his mother’s concern filling the air with tension.

“I am in love.”

“That’s…that’s nice Hyungwon. What’s her name?”

“Mum…no.” Her breath hitches and she stutters, trying to say something Hyungwon doesn’t quite hear.

“Oh…”

“It’s Minhyuk, his name is Minhyuk.”

“Okay Hyungwon. Call me if you need help with anything, goodnight.”

  
  
And she hangs up, leaving Hyungwon again alone. Of course it would go like this. It always went like this, except that there is little chance his father will hear anything about it. Hyungwon’s mother had told him that she accepted him, that she loved him not matter who he would choose to have by his side. But her one son is getting married to a nice lady and the other fell in love with another man, in a mental clinic. Hyungsik wins this round.

Hyungwon lies back on the chair, thinking of the possibilities. Hyungwon gets out first, then Minhyuk follows soon after. They find stable jobs and start working, they live close, or at least together. Every afternoon they get back from work to spend the rest of the day together, lazing around, watching movies, kissing, making love. Sometimes they are a little sad and a bit unsteady and have to change their meds and their meals and are too tired to function, but they still have each other and they are happy.

And then his father will ask him again, when he’s going to do his service and when he’s getting married and will remind him what a disgrace of an oldest son he is. And Hyungwon will tell him that he has a lover and they’re not making him grandkids anytime soon. His father will punch him, straight on the face, just like he did with Hoseok, while his mother was watching from the other couch. But he’ll never let them meet Minhyuk, nobody will hurt him again.

He’s about to get out of the office and continue with his usual activities, when the phone rings again and before calling the nurse who’s walking up and down the corridor, he recognises the number as his mother’s phone and picks it up.

“Yes mum?”

“It’s not mum.” A man, voice familiar, one he barely ever heard though.

“Hyungsik?”

“Yes, that’s me.”

“Why are you calling from mum’s phone?”

“Because I’m concerned. You made her cry and I don’t think you’ve done anything else the past months. So I found the number as “clinic” in her contacts. She’s downstairs now, talking with dad.” Talking with dad never lead to good things, unless it was strictly on grocery shopping. Hyungwon feels like he’s being cornered and his mother is taking advantage of the trust he put on her.   
  
“What do you want?” Hyungwon hisses, trying to keep calm and collected.

“Look, I know what this is all about. I kind of get it.”

“I’m sure you get nothing.” He is getting angry. Angry and tired of this.

“You think you are gay or something, I get that, but you have to take into consideration our parents’ wishes too Hyungwon. You are being selfish right now. You could never be really in love with a man.” Hyungwon thinks of all the times he has truly and wholly been in love. He can’t think of any girls. Then he remembers about Hyungsik’s girlfriend. Abortion was never an option, neither having a child outside of marriage. Where are Hyungsik’s plans of getting more fancy degrees now? Because it seems like he’ll miss the first couple years of his child being in the army.

“Do you fucking want to get married Hyungsik?”

“Of course I want!” His voice gets high pitched.

“Liar.”  
  
Hyungwon slams the phone down and gets out of the office, telling the nurse that he won’t be receiving any more calls for the day. He wants to distract himself, until his mother’s words and his brother’s voice get out of his head. He wants to meet Minhyuk and hug him until he forgets he has problems.

 

 “What are you painting?”

“Us.”

The painting room is messy, cups with dirty water on every surface, open color tins all over the floor. The theme of the week is beloved people and Hyungwon arrives in the middle of the class, but just in time to watch Minhyuk’s first sketch before it starts coming to life with colors.

Two men, standing next to each other, one taller and thin, the other a little shorter, both smiling brightly to each other, dressed in winter clothes. He gets closer and realizes that Minhyuk is holding a polaroid, one he doesn’t remember being taken, of them talking to each other, next to their snowman.

“Kihyun took it, he told me to keep it because we are cute.”

“We sure are. Are you making anyone else?”

“Not really.”

Jungkook next to them seems amused by the exchange, a frowning boy on his own canvas.

“Who’s that?” Hyungwon asks him, leaning behind Minhyuk’s shoulder.

“My best friend and hyung, we grew up in Busan together.”

“He must be a very proud hyung then!” Minhyuk says, getting his brushes ready.

“I think of giving this as a gift to him.”

“I’m sure he’ll love it.”

Hyungwon decides he doesn’t have the energy to paint something himself. He takes a chair and sits next to Minhyuk, watching him and Jungkook work. The boy on Jungkook’s painting has bright orange hair, blue suspenders and a striped shirt, he frowns in a cute way and Jungkook paints a beach for the background.

 Minhyuk doesn’t add snow around them, instead, there is green. Trees and grass and fluffy white clouds blocking the sun. They are in the center of it, looking at each other, like all the beauty around them doesn’t matter. He wants to ask Minhyuk, but thinks he got it correct. He knows there are more urgent things to discuss.

He waits for Minhyuk to finish and leave it at a corner to properly dry up, then clings up on Hyungwon like a koala. Hyungwon messes his hair and calls him cute. On their way to the cafeteria he spats out that he has a week left. Minhyuk stops walking, his expression turns to one of pain for moments before it gets back to a grin. He tells Hyungwon a hundred times how happy he is for him, but visibly, he is not.

 

Minhyuk is lifeless all through lunch and not even Jooheon is able to lift his mood. When Hyungwon tells him what’s going on he seems to understand and just puts food from his plate to Minhyuk’s. Hyungwon feels guilty, but he would leave at some point. He needs to start working again and it’s not as if he’s gonna forget about them. Like Hyunwoo, he’ll visit as much as he can.

Sunmi on the other hand, she is so happy for him. He visits the choir room to hear them sing at late afternoon and they go for tea after the practice is over. She compliments his appearance and he promises to keep in touch.

Her doctors told her that she’ll be there for at least one more month. And who knows, maybe they’ll end up working together again someday and maybe it will be something that won’t have anything to do with modelling and diets, Hyungwon would be happy like that. He writes down his phone number on a paper and tells Sunmi to keep it and call whenever she wants, from the clinic or from her own phone.

She has gained some weight too and her voice improved much since Hyungwon first heard her. He tells her she must become a singer and charm her audiences. She replies that she wanted to charm just one man, but it didn’t work. Hyungwon is not sure if he’s supposed to be flattered or not. He heads to his room calling it a day, assuring Sunmi they’ll meet again during the week.

 

He’s already too tired when he steps into his room, heading to his closet to get a clean set of pajamas, when he spots someone on his bed, Kihyun. He’s wearing a large hoodie, slightly rocking back and forth and looks like he’s trembling. Hyungwon postpones his sleep plans and climbs on the other side of the bed. Kihyun still won’t look at him.

“Are you okay?”

“No.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t want to go back to my room.” Kihyun’s hand points to the wall, the one separating their rooms.

“Why.”

“I don’t want to answer any phone calls.”

“Did you tell the nurse?”

“Tell her?”

“If you tell her that you don’t want to answer the phone she won’t bother you.”

“Didn’t know that…”

“Who called?”

Thankfully, Kihyun doesn’t start crying, although he looks like he wants to, but Hyungwon wouldn’t know how to deal with that. Kihyun tells him that his sister called from her house, to ask if he’s doing alright. Hyungwon remembers seeing Kihyun’s sister once, just before Christmas. She visited with her husband.

Kihyun doesn’t like meeting or talking with his sister. In fact she did nothing wrong and even her husband is a genuinely good and caring guy, for her, but for the rest of the family too. When Kihyun disappeared around a year ago from his parents’ house they searched for him together.

Kihyun wasn’t doing any harm. He knew his parents were concerned about him, getting back from clubs smelling like alcohol and smoke almost every night and at some point he decided they didn’t deserve it, so he left without any notice. He worked here and there, run errands for his drug dealer but still, without any sort of steady income he ended up living on the streets, for a bit more than half a year.

He was still getting his dosages, so it was alright with him, sleeping in benches and abandoned buildings when it go cold, having barely enough money left to eat after taking care of his drug and alcohol supplies.

He knew it was bad enough at this point, but he never stole money or food and never hurt anyone else, like many of his acquaintances were doing at the time. It makes him feel a little better about himself. That and the fact that he didn’t do anything dumb enough to get an STD, or some other kind of disease.

One night, he was sleeping outside and woke up to rough voices shouting in his ears and a flashlight on his face. They brought him to the local police station and found his identification card on him. They first called his parents, who asked his sister to take care of him.

Kihyun lived in her house for three days, until they gave him the alternative of getting into the clinic. He made the choice, but the first days of the withdrawal were hell. Hyungwon remembers those well.

Kihyun is ashamed of talking to his sister, although he knows he needs to show his gratitude at some point. He keeps postponing the meeting or phone call and Hyungwon tells him that it’s okay and he is lucky to have a good and caring family.

Kihyun calms down, stays a little more on Hyungwon’s bed before he goes to his own room. Hyungwon suggests he could call Changkyun the next morning. Kihyun nods and smiles slightly to the idea.

 

Hyungwon changes clothes and goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He looks at himself in the mirror, his hair messy and for the first time, there are no black circles beneath his eyes. He thought they would never leave him, but it took only some months of good sleep and mostly stress-free life. He thinks of all the beauty products in his bathroom cabinet, at home, untouched for so long and still, his face looks good to him.

His gaze falls to his tooth brushes, one completely untouched and unused. He takes it and throws it into the trashcan, it was getting dusty. He washes his face and brushes his teeth. He’ll miss that small bathroom too and his soft brown room and the showers down the corridor. Sleep comes easily, after he sets his alarm for the next morning.

 

It’s a fun week. Hyungwon feels like he’s running out of time, so he squeezes everything into his program. He spends a morning with Jackson playing mini golf and makes it to the fifth route before he loses his patience. He stays to watch Jackson play and hear his stories from when he was joining championships.

He has yet to figure out what Jackson’s problem is. He writes down his number and gives it to him like he did with Sunmi, tells him to call whenever he wants. Jackson makes him promise to come play golf with him again when he visits for his therapy sessions. Hyungwon promises he will, already thinking of bringing with him a present for the man. Maybe a new fine set of golf balls will do. Also Jackson needs to bleach his hair again soon, but Hyungwon doesn’t tell him.

He spends his evening with Minhyuk, playing chess in the library. They are both terribly distracted and each game takes long, like they are trying to stretch out their time together, as much as they can. Minhyuk is avoiding his eyes.

“Will you find a job right after you go back now?”

“I’ll try.”

“Something like what you previously did?”

“No, I don’t think so. I have a friend that can help me out at the start.”

“What does he do?”

“He sells furniture. I can probably design some for him.”

“That’s nice.”

Hyungwon has a note with his number ready for Minhyuk too, he hesitates pulling it out of his pocket and leaves it on the table.

“What’s this?”

“My phone number. Give me a minute.”

He has a pen with him too and scribbles his address on the paper, under his phone number.

“Oh?”

“You can call me. I’ll be coming once or twice every week, but if you want just call, I don’t care about the hour. And if you need anything else, this is my home address, it’s close to many bus stations near the center. So if you want…you can visit.”

“Right, thank you.”

Minhyuk takes the bright yellow paper and tucks it into his pocket, the chess board in front of the forgotten. Hyungwon wants to ask him one last thing.

“Can we take a bath and sleep together tonight?”

They take turns washing each other’s hair and backs, using way more shampoo than necessary, but the nurse at the door likes them and gives them an extra bottle. For once, Hyungwon doesn’t think of anything with Minhyuk between him and the wall. He can only concentrate on the soft hair and the smooth skin and the dark patches on it. He never touches Minhyuk’s scars, scared that he’ll hurt him.

Minhyuk does not want to dry his hair, so Hyungwon has to force him to sit in front of the mirror and do it for him, after they both shave. Minhyuk almost falls asleep, wrapped in his big towel, in the middle of the steamy bathroom. Hyungwon kisses his shoulder when he’s done with the hair drying and feels the shivers sunning down Minhyuk’s back, pressed on his chest.

The heating is on and the bed they fall in is warm and cozy. They share Hyungwon’s navy blue duvet and Minhyuk wraps his hands around Hyungwon’s waist, pulls him close and presses their foreheads together.

“Make sure to get better soon, okay?”  
Minhyuk lifts his little finger and Hyungwon intertwines it with his own.

“And then I’ll come find you.”

“And we can go on dates.”

“And road trips to Jeju.”

“Whatever you want. I like seeing you happy.”

“You are the one making me happy.”

Hyungwon can’t fall asleep, but neither can Minhyuk so they stay like this, making small talk and Hyungwon wants to tell him he’s in love and he is already imagining a future together. From the way Minhyuk looks at him, Hyungwon is sure there is no need to say it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a kind of small but much needed chapter, connecting the "main" with the "last" part of the story.

“Are you sure you can carry everything alone?” Jooheon doesn’t wait for any kind of answer, taking a bag, the heavier one from Hyungwon’s hands. Changkyun is with them too, Kihyun and Minhyuk walking a few steps behind them, all heading to the parking. They were allowed to go there with him.

Hyungwon reassures them that he’ll be coming very often and will be staying for lunch and activities with them. The statement doesn’t do much about Minhyuk’s red and watery eyes. Kihyun wraps his hand around him and then everyone else and Hyungwon is in the middle of them trying to hold back his tears.

His car is dusty, its original silver color lost and he needs a wet wipe to touch it, putting his stuff in the trunk and then getting in the driver sear. He gets up again for a second round of hugs. He kisses Minhyuk’s forehead and squeezes Jooheon’s cheeks. He messes Changkyun’s hair and pats Kihyun’s back and he’s all good to go.

 

Driving after so many months when he was used to taking the car to work every day is strange. He tries not to get distracted looking at the side mirrors before exiting the clinic for good, showing his discharge note to the guards.

 

He rolls his window down and puts his favorite CD on. He goes slow, appreciating everything on the way, the buildings and the cars and the people inside them. It’s a good day for him. He feels like he has much love to give to the world. He feels in full control of his life again.

The heavy bass from his stereo system matches the train of his thoughts. Hyungwon is trying to organize his days, the first ones after he gets home. Cleaning, visiting Hyunwoo, visiting Himchan in his store, searching for work, signing up for the swimming programs near his house.

He promises to himself to make an actual list when he gets home, put it up the fridge. Yeah, fill the fridge too. He doesn’t quite know how to cook, so ready meals or going out it is, for the start. Maybe he should buy a cookbook as well.

He is closer to the center of the city, buzzing with life, even on a weekday, early in the morning. He turns down the music, more attentive to his surroundings. He already misses the clinic, the safe and quiet environment, his friends. He thinks he can afford presents for everyone. Changkyun really wanted that new videogame. San would scold him for spoiling them like this, but knowing that most had tough lives, they deserve every bit.

His apartment is not that far, but he decides to drive some more, making circles, not ready to go back yet. He heads to his parents’ house, knowing that nobody will be there at this hour. He is about to park at the front, thinking of getting inside, maybe grabbing something to eat and leave a note to his mother to come visit him if she wants.

Two cars are parked at the front, one definitely Hyungsik’s. The other might be his fiancé’s. His parents must be very proud and Hyungwon would be as well, she is a nice girl. He hopes they are happy in their soon to happen marriage. Hyungwon will need a new suit. He’ll make Minhyuk pick the colors.

He starts the engine again, following the short route to his apartment building, one he has done countless times before, familiar yet different every time. One new shop has opened, a traffic light is broken, the clothes’ advertisement at the side of the street features a model he used to know.

He parks in his usual spot and mentally schedules a car wash for the next day. The lock is the same, his door password as well. He enters and the first think he notices is the strong smell the apartment has. He opens the windows and leaves his things in the living room. The place is tidy, exactly as he left it. For some reason he was sure his mother would have prepared treats for him knowing he will come back, but she didn’t.

 

On autopilot, he starts unpacking, most clothes go straight to the laundry, his diet plans and medical papers on his desk. The mistletoe twig in a bowl, on a short table next to the door, where he usually leaves his keys.

Nothing is in the fridge or the cupboards, only his supplements. They are the first thing that goes into the trash, along with some cleaning products and expired biscuits he finds in the kitchen. He doesn’t make the effort to put new sheets on the bed, lying on the couch and opening the television.

His phone was uncharged when he took it from the reception along with his wallet and he half-assedly plugs it to charge, to see if he missed anything. Twenty three missed calls. Few from Himchan, many from his work place, a lot from Hoseok after their break up. He doesn’t call back anyone.

His social networks are in the same condition. After being fired and out of reach, everyone remembered to call, send a message or post on his wall. He completely deletes his account not checking anything. Those who care about him have his phone and know he is available for them.

He orders Chinese take-out, manages to eat half of it and brushes his teeth. He needs a new toothbrush too, toothpaste and shampoo, although he has ten different kinds and smells. He only needs a simple one.

The television is playing a music program, a couple of the artists well known, some he had heard about from Jooheon and Changkyun, some new. It’s enough to make him sleepy on the couch, for the first time missing the extra warmth Minhyuk brought to his bed and having a blanket thrown over him wherever he napped.

 

Hyungwon is genuinely happy, being lost in the convenience store. He is not supposed to be eating junk food but he can’t keep his hands off the chips and cookies and basically everything, now that his appetite is mostly back and he needs to catch on with the latest food trends.

He has a list with him, things like milk, fruits, meat written on it but he doesn’t follow it a bit. His total is probably the most money he has ever spend on food his whole life.

Hyungwon thinks he can sneak some snacks in the clinic, the next time he visits. He takes his car to his second destination for the day, Himchan’s business. It would be closer by train but he likes driving and there’s no use in going back home before heading out again. He spots the place right away, a big wooden sign “Kim Himchan: Handmade Furniture” written on it.

There are customers inside, Himchan is talking with them, not noticing Hyungwon taking a look around. There are mostly tables and chairs on display, but also smaller decoration items and silverware. The names of the designers are mentioned on the price tags, along with the material and methods used. Definitely a store for someone who wants to spend a lot of money.

He greets Himchan and watches a huge grin forming on his face. Himchan was always good at hugging, until Hyungwon felt his oxygen levels getting too low. He pats Himchan’s shoulder and the other gets the message to loosen his hold.

“You are out and you look so good!”

“You also look good.”

“I always do honey.”

“I found the address and decided to pay a visit.”

“Good, I need new employees.”

“But…”

Himchan is persistent and clever. They both know it’ll be beneficial for Hyungwon and the shop to start working there. Himchan trusts him and he can design, sell and get involved in advertisements.

He was never the one to get hyped about furniture, but Himchan talks with so much love about his chairs that Hyungwon cannot do anything but agree to try. He’s free to walk away if he wants, or finds a better job.

Himchan shows him around. It was an old basement that Himchan turned into a modern, well-lit space, separated in different sections. The main materials used are wood, glass and metal and Hyungwon will need to learn more about the whole process. Himchan wants them to work together, just talking to customers at first.

There are two backrooms, the smaller one being a toilet and the other, more spacious with three desks and a corner with a coffee machine and a mini fridge. There is currently only one desk occupied by Himchan and Hyungwon can choose his own. The spare is reserved for an accountant, when they find one. There is a whiteboard on the wall, with names and phones, the artists Himchan works with and some important dates.

 

“Congratulations on your new job!”

They are on Hyungwon’s desk, sitting on five hundred worth of dollars chairs eating pizza they ordered for the lunch break. Himchan is getting the contract ready and asking Hyungwon questions. About the clinic mainly and the whole experience.

“You really look so much better, I’m not joking.”

Hyungwon awkwardly laughs, he likes hearing that.

He tells Himchan about the new friends he made and he is asked more about Minhyuk. Of course Himchan would sense that something is different about him. Hyungwon tells everything, he can at least get Himchan’s blessing, since he’s not getting anyone else’s about it.

Himchan himself seems happy, he says he wants to meet Minhyuk, everyone else too, even Sunmi and Jackson and Jungkook and he’ll be more than willing to help if they need any kind of assistance when they get out of the clinic. Hyungwon sometimes forgets that there are people out there with no money in their credit cards and no place to stay when they get out.

He stays a little more at the shop and before leaving Himchan gives him furniture catalogs, tells him to study and learn the products, maybe watch a couple videos about how things are made. He is supposed to be at work the next morning, at 8 o’clock until lunch and then some more. He is extremely grateful to Himchan, because he knows that other people would be way more suitable for the position, yet he waited for Hyungwon.

 

His days are nice. There are many things to do when he is off work, or on Sundays. Hyungwon wants to try them all. He walks around the town and drives out of it. He shops for clothes and food and notebooks and new pens to take with him at work.

The salary is good enough to have some extra income every month. He spends it wisely, buying presents for his friends at the clinic and little things for himself. Kihyun gets easily cold so he buys him a red duvet. Minhyuk gets new scented soaps and Jooheon a fake leather football. The weather is getting hot enough again for them to play outside. Changkyun already got the console he wanted and promised to give Hyungwon one of the first copies of the game he is developing.

He doesn’t forget Jackson. When he has an extra hour he knows where to find him, to relax with some golfing and old championship stories. He still doesn’t know exactly what’s wrong with Jackson. Only that there has never been a champion or known golf player with that name, he searched for it.

 

Sunmi gets out one month after Hyungwon. He treats her to dinner and drinks. He agrees to dance with her in the middle of the club, loud music and a sea of people around them. It reminds him of the old times, maybe that’s why Sunmi suggested it. He had a couple beers, they both did and share a taxi to drop them to their homes. After that they meet up casually for coffee, or for some alcohol.

Sunmi starts working for a big clothing brand and Hyungwon shows up with lunch when Himchan allows him to go. He tells her how much he misses Minhyuk, even if he sees him every week and she reassures him that they’ll be together really soon. His therapist, Hyungsoo subtly seems to have the same opinion.

 

His favorite time topping all others except visiting Minhyuk, is going over to Hyunwoo’s, either his house or the restaurant. Wherever Kangwoo is. The restaurant is a busy one, in the middle of the business district, serving the businessmen after their office hours and between their breaks. Kangwoo plays in the kitchen or the backroom, when he is supposed to be doing his homework.

Hyungwon sits cross legged on the floor and plays with him, with mini trucks and the small plastic kitchen he adores, making food for his toy soldiers. He can never sneak out of the restaurant without bags filled with goodies, sticky notes on them with the name of the receiver, in or out of the clinic. Even Jungkook gets something, when Minhyuk informs them that the boy’s favorite food is spare ribs but nobody has made for him in years.

Hyunwoo’s house is full of warmth. There are toys scattered on the floor and snacks scattered on the kitchen counters. Hyungwon nests on the couch with Hyungwon and they watch football games. He doesn’t pay any attention to Hoseok’s voice on the speakers commenting on the game.

He stays over for a couple of times and Hyunwoo’s wife picks up his eating habits right away. They always have some tea stored for him. Kangwoo skips his milk for caramel tea and chocolates. In a way, uncle Hyungwon is a bad influence, with his all over the place eating preferences.

In another way, he is a good influence too. He lays on the floor with Kangwoo and they read stories together. They draw and search up all of the child’s questions in the encyclopaedia his parents have in their heavy bookshelves.

When Hyungwon falls asleep on the couch, there is always someone to cover him and turn the heating on before turning the lights off. It’s like falling asleep on his own couch, but also being part of a family which he needs to feel like it so badly.

 

He completely changes his house, in order to not leave anything reminding him of his old shelf. He throws photos away, notes, and diaries with calorie counts. He doesn’t need any of it. He buys cookbooks, new pans and pots, a cute apron and baking forms. He doesn’t have the skills to properly use them but once, he invites Changkyun over and they try making some kind of chocolate pie. It was unsuccessful, but fun.

He buys new bedsheets and invests on an electric toothbrush. On his wall calendar he marks the days he successfully follows his eating schedule and it’s getting easier and easier. Sometimes after his morning shower he pokes his cheeks, puffy and rosy.

The boy from a year ago, curled on the floor, not able to face his self, his body in the mirror is gone. Hyungwon feels good about himself. He’s not muscular, but lean and stronger than he ever was. The balanced diet is doing wonders.

He tried the pool, the gym too but he doesn’t enjoy crowded spaces. With a little extra money he can spend more time in the clinic after his appointments, playing football, golf, drawing and occasionally eating there. He needs to cut all ties one by one, but he refuses to, until everyone is out and they can meet wherever and whenever they want.

His job offers many chances of meeting new people. Most, naturally take a liking to him from the start, but he doesn’t. He learns to get picky, to deny “friendly” dinners with customers who want him only for one night stands. He turns down offers for dating and relationships, knowing that his one and only is out there and they’ll be soon together.

Himchan makes fun of him for being so snobbish with all the people trying to be closer to him, but Hyungwon is sure he understands. Himchan had his fair share of very bad relationships after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Himchan is the real MVP of this story


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, but angst incoming.

 

“Hyungwon?”

“What?”

Himchan is looking at the entrance of the store, with a somewhat horrified expression.

“Isn’t that your ex?”

Hyungwon turns around and indeed, Hoseok is standing at the door, hands in his pockets, looking back at Hyungwon with an apologetic smile.

Himchan puts his serious voice on, walking towards Hoseok.

“Sir I’m sorry, we were just closing up.”

“It’s okay, I came here to talk to Hyungwon, and I can wait until you close up.”

Himchan looks back at Hyungwon and for those short moments he thinks of what to do. Physically, Hoseok hasn’t changed. He is muscular as ever, short, his hair a new bright red color. He is dressed in all black, as always knowing how to show off the best parts of his body. That body Hyungwon used to love so much.

He is sure there are no more feeling for Hoseok left in him. He’s not sure what he wants to talk about, but he’s ready to just leave if he feels uncomfortable. He is dressed to impress that day and Hyungwon thinks it wouldn’t hurt to try. Hoseok wasn’t even that much of an asshole.

“I’ll be available in about half an hour, do you mind waiting outside? Or at a nearby café, text me the place, if you still have my number.”

“I still do.” Hoseok mumbles getting out again, Hyungwon following him with his eyes until he turns around the first corner.

“That sounds like a bad idea Hyungwon.”

“I want to hear what he has to say. I never got to know his side of the story. I mean, he’s not dangerous or anything, mostly workaholic and obsessed with his body.”

“Right, help me close up and you can go.”

There is not much to do and Hyungwon has the feeling Himchan is keeping him because he doesn’t want him to meet with Hoseok. At some point everything is clean and tidy and there is nothing else to be done, Himchan running out of excuses for help. Hyungwon receives a message, with only the name of a nearby café written in it. The one Hyungwon and Himchan order lunch from.

He takes his jacket from the backroom and lets Himchan lock up, reassuring him that if anything goes wrong he’ll either leave Hoseok right away or call Himchan.

 

He walks to the café slowly, checking the time on his phone. Minhyuk must be out playing, or painting, he can’t call him. He has a faint feeling of doing something wrong, yet he reminds himself, that any attraction to Hoseok is long gone.

He can be mature about it and talk with Hoseok in a friendly way. They were, in fact, good friends before they got into that mess of relationship. He realizes that it’s too early for Hoseok to be off work, which is strange. Hoseok never missed work, not even the few times he was seriously ill.

Hyungwon pushes the door open and spots Hoseok tucked in a table at the end of the café, his back on the wall, cornered. It’s a nice place, filled with potted plants and paintings hanging on the walls. Relatively quiet at this hour, only some elders reading the newspaper and college students finishing their essays.

Hyungwon, in amusement, realizes there are two coffees on the table, the one in front of the free chair a black frozen Americano. It’s a shame his taste has changed. He grabs two sugar packets from the counter, greeting the barista and takes a seat, not saying a word to Hoseok.

“You look good.”

“Always.”

Hoseok seems surprised, laughing under his breath.

“You sound good too. How’s life?”

“Life is great Hoseok.”

He sips his coffee. It’s bitter and if he were at the clinic he would have already stolen some sips from Minhyuk’s sugary and milky with a bit of coffee drink.

He suddenly loses all good will for talking with Hoseok, feels like he will be ridiculed, for his past and his decisions, in Hoseok’s subtle and painful way. He can at least listen to what the other man wants to tell him, find some reasons to actually hate him in his words.

“So, it’s nice seeing you again after so long. I’m sure your holiday helped you.”

“My holiday?”

“Yeah.” Hoseok keeps his voice low, careful to not be heard by anyone around them.

“It was a mental hospital Hoseok, deal with it. I had problems, I still have. You know about it.” Hoseok shrugs.

“Yes, I know that work was hard and you were stressed and everything of the sort, but you are okay now, right? Good as new.”

“No, I’m still working on it and it’ll take a lot of time. I doubt I will ever be as good as new. What did you wanted to talk about, bringing me here?”

“Nothing in particular, just wanted to talk again, give us a second chance.”

“Us? What do you mean by us?”

“Our relationship, we can try again.”

“No we can’t”

“How can you be so sure of it? We both changed.”

“So? That doesn’t mean we would work out again Hoseok. It was bad enough the previous time.”

“We can both try harder, there is still that spark between us, can’t you feel it?”

“No, not really, I’ve fallen out of love a lot time ago.”

Hoseok is persistent. He starts talking and Hyungwon is patient and curious enough to not stop him. Hoseok got promoted, that’s why his working hours have changed. He travels a lot with the company but he claims he has more time for himself. Hyungwon doesn’t believe him. Hoseok didn’t form any other relationships. He thinks admitting that he had some one night stands, which he regretted will change Hyungwon’s opinion.

At the end, Hyungwon politely tells him that he isn’t interested in his newly developed chest muscles or weight training. Hoseok should get the hint, which is that Hyungwon doesn’t care about him, at all.

“I have someone Hoseok.”

“Someone, like for dating?”

“Yes, that kind of someone.”

“But you were in the clinic.”

“That’s where I met him.”

“That’s wrong Hyungwon, you deserve much more than some guy from a mental institute.”  
  
Hyungwon’s patience runs out. Hoseok doesn’t even deserve any explanations, or hearing about Minhyuk. He takes his wallet out, picks enough bills to cover his coffee and leaves them on the table, getting up and ready to leave. He’s gonna block Hoseok’s number to save himself from hearing insensitive bullshit again.

 

When he steps out, Hoseok reaches for his arm, with a little force. Hyungwon cannot free his hand from the grip.

“The company wants you back you know. You’ll be making even more money.”

“I don’t care, I already make enough.”

“Think about what I said at least, about us.”

“Already did that, let me go Hoseok.” Hyungwon tries to sound intimidating, but is probably on the verge of tears and they start getting strange looks from pedestrians. He thinks of kicking Hoseok’s shins, slapping him, when the grip around his hand loosens and the only thing he can think about is turning around to the opposite direction and heading right back home.

 Hoseok pulls him back, leans in and Hyungwon thinks he’s gonna kiss him on the cheek. It’s a peck on the corner of his lips. Hyungwon takes a step back and looks at Hoseok. He’s angry, more with himself for staying all through this. He slaps Hoseok across the face and tells him to never dare call or be near him again. Hoseok doesn’t close the distance between them again. Hyungwon’s car is parked next to work and he runs the two blocks there, driving back home as fast as he can.

 

He stumbles in his apartment out of breath. He can only think of Hoseok and he doesn’t like it. His mind replays the scene. Barely a kiss. He feels disgusting, like he literally cheated on Minhyuk. He tries being reasonable with himself.

He is not dating Minhyuk, he didn’t ask nor wanted what happened. He even thinks that Minhyuk would be able to calm him down, he would tell him that he couldn’t do anything. That he still wants him. For the first time Hyungwon realizes how much Minhyuk means to him. But also how much he wants to mean to Minhyuk. He would want him to be jealous, possessive even.

He knows he’s gonna regret everything the next morning, but at the moment, his mind is overtaken by guilt. The exact same guilt he felt when he treated himself to ice cream and chips some years ago. He knows how to get rid of it, in his old, sick and twisted ways. Calling Minhyuk could be an option, but he doesn’t know what he’s gonna say and how he’s gonna explain.   
  
He looks at himself in the mirror, sure he won’t be able to do it the next day.

“Hey Minhyuk, I know we are not together and that I am overreacting but I think I cheated on you and I want you to tell me that I am behaving like a five year old.” He laughs about the nonexistent joke of the words he says out loud to himself.

His bathroom smells nice, like his scented soaps and candles and cleaning products. He has a spare toothbrush in the cabinet by the sink. Never thought he would use it after getting out of the clinic, but all he can think is getting rid of the terrifying feeling in his stomach.

He knows the ritual well, ripping the plastic case of the new toothbrush and throwing it away somewhere on the floor, he can’t deal with the bin, or the small cut on his hand by the hard plastic.

Kneeling in front of the toilet he looks at the water, having a moment to himself. He can still step out of it, go back to his living room and pretend like nothing happened. Call his therapist and ask for his appointment to move a day earlier. He has so many ways to take care of himself.

Yet he uses none, taking the toothbrush into his mouth, sliding it lower in his throat until he becomes uncomfortable. His gag reflex goes off and his coffee and the lunch and everything he had during the day before it gets out until there’s nothing more and he starts coughing, holding himself from the toilet bowl.

He flushes his guilt away and gets back in the living room, to watch some television and pretend it never happened. It will distract him for some hours, until he’ll need to find something else, or rather, someone. His favorite drama is on.

Four hours. That’s how long it takes for another kind of guild to creep over him and drive him to almost a panic attack. He takes deep breaths, trying to make the day that will not be crossed on his calendar after so many less of a big deal.

He cleans the bathroom, from dirt spots only himself can see. He climbs down the stairs just to throw away the toothbrush and its plastic cover. He runs back up, out of breath by the time he gets in front of his door. He needs to find something else to do, even if it’s almost midnight.

His body is tired and his mind keeps working frantically, going over every little detail, every move he did wrong. He is definitely having a panic attack. He writes down his thoughts, an exercise he did with Hyungsoo when he was stressed. They’ll go through the list when they meet.

He almost dozes off, exhausted and thankful for the sleep coming to him. The television volume is set low, just enough to have some noise messing with his thoughts. He thinks he can hear something else. His phone, ringing until he gets up to find it, still in his coat. It’s one in the morning when Hyunwoo calls him.

 

“I’m sorry, did I wake you up?”

“No I…I was doing stuff, for work. Did something happen?” Hyunwoo can’t be aware of what happened with Hoseok. But he has never called at this hour before.

“Can you come meet me at the clinic, now?”

“Yeah, what happened?”

“Nothing bad, I promise. Be careful on the way, I’ll be waiting in the lounge.”

Hyunwoo hangs up, leaving Hyungwon terrified, because something is terribly wrong. Hyungwon could hear it in his voice, not as steady as it has always been.

Picking clothes Hyungwon has in mind the worst case scenarios. Someone somehow found out about him purging and they made Hyunwoo call him, because they know Hyungwon trusts him enough to follow his instructions. That, or something happened to someone else.

Something bad enough to be called in the middle of the night to go. The clinic is supposed to be a safe space, nobody would be able to hurt themselves. There is only one person that comes to mind. He prays to not find Minhyuk in the infirmary. He had promised to call Hyungwon on his bad days but Hyungwon hadn’t got any calls.

Putting on the first shirt and pair of pants he can find, taking his coat he runs to the parking lot to get his car, thankful for the empty roads. It is silent in the car, not bothering to open the windows or turn on the radio.

He knows the way by heart and takes every possible shortcut to get to the clinic faster. Passing illegally by a couple of red traffic lights he remembers Hyunwoo’s “be careful” and slows down. Hyunwoo is probably already worried enough, doesn’t need to be informed of a car accident too.

He parks in the first available slot and walks fast the rest of the way to the main building. The usual night shift receptionist is there, greeting him with a smile and about to ask him what he wants when he spots Hyunwoo, on a couch with a cup of coffee.

He gets closer, finding Kangwoo sleeping, using his father’s lap as a pillow. He is hesitant to disturb the peaceful image but knows they are waiting for him. He pokes Hyunwoo’s shoulder, stepping in front of him, careful not to wake up the child. Kangwoo has school the next day and shouldn’t be there.

Hyunwoo takes a deep breath and looks up to him.

“You came quickly.”

“What happened?”

 

Hyunwoo tells him to sit down and offers tea which Hyungwon takes, fully knowing that he can’t drink anything, his throat has been burning for hours. The receptionist is back on his work, or game, the television off and he can clearly hear Hyunwoo’s breath as he’s trying to gather his thoughts to at last tell him what’s going on. Hyunwoo tries to talk, stutters before the first word and tries again and again until Hyungwon makes out what he’s trying to say.

“Minhyuk tried to commit suicide, he is alright. In the medical ward right now but will be out until tomorrow afternoon. That’s what I was told.”  
Hyungwon holds his breath, trying not to cry. It is a bad day. Hyunwoo said Minhyuk is alright. He didn’t die and he’s with the medics now.

“How? Why?”

“You can go there and ask yourself. Minhyuk’s brother wasn’t answering and I am his second emergency contact, so they called. He was asking for you and wouldn’t fall asleep, they told me to get you here if I could.”

Hyungwon nods slowly.

“Okay, where can I find him?”  
Hyunwoo gives him directions, although Hyungwon already knows where the medic ward is and all he’s gotta do is ask for Minhyuk. He never visited that part of the clinic during nighttime before, but has heard that it’s still full of life.

Apparently many patients find imaginative ways to commit suicide, most unsuccessful and found out before any fatal damage is done. There are also those with health issues, which can’t wait to be treated the next morning. Hyungwon follows the signs there, startled by the sound of his own footsteps bouncing off the walls of the empty corridor.

There is a doctor standing next to the section’s door, in his white lab coat, drinking coffee and scrolling down his phone. Hyungwon remembers him from before, he’s the general doctor who evaluates the patient’s overall health when they arrive. He turns and seems to recognize Hyungwon too, signaling for him to come closer.

“Here for Lee Minhyuk?”

“Yeah?” He wants to start asking questions, but waits until the doctor gives him all the information himself.

“He’s there, you can see him if you want. I don’t think he fell asleep yet.” The doctor points to a room, lowly lit, a nurse in her green uniform moving inside.

“Can you please tell me what happened? Is he hurt?”  
The doctor moves his head negatively.

“Actually it’s a miracle he is not. He tried hanging himself.”

“Hanging himself?”

As far as Hyungwon knows, the clinic is designed to lower the risk of such things. Thus the locked windows and nurses everywhere. Being honest, he would expect Minhyuk to overdose if anything, he was clever enough to find ways to save medicine and take them all together. He had said he was thinking about it once. Hyungwon supposed his therapist knew as well.

“He used his bed sheets and a shower head. A nurse noticed that he was taking more time than usual and went to check on him. He was found on the floor with the knot around his neck. He didn’t resist when they helped him stand up and took him here. That’s all I have from the report. We gave him sedatives and called his emergency contact but he kept asking for you.”  
  
The image of Minhyuk on the shower floor is disturbing. Even more because Minhyuk enjoyed showers, it was a happy time for him. He tried hanging himself like in the previous attempt.

Minhyuk doesn’t notice him entering the room and walking to the bed. There is another patient sleeping at the opposite side of the room and the nurse gets out to leave them as alone as they can get. Minhyuk is curled to himself, his whole body under the covers.   
  
Hyungwon softly sits on the bed and caresses Minhyuk’s shoulder. He shifts, his eyes poking out of the covers and looking at Hyungwon. He was crying, red and puffy and everything Hyungwon wished he would never see again. He pats Minhyuk until the man gets into a sitting position, rubbing his eyes.

“Do you want to talk to me?”

Minhyuk looks at him tiredly, moves closer until he’s on Hyungwon, in an attempt to hug him. Hyungwon takes Minhyuk’s hand and kisses the knuckles, letting it fall around his waist.   
  
“You need to rest, sleep a little. I promise I will be here.” He whispers into his ear.   
Minhyuk hides his face into Hyungwon’s neck, like he did every time they slept together, hands embracing him tightly, messy hair tickling Hyungwon’s skin. He would give anything for this to be one more of their intimate moments, but it’s not.

“Don’t want to.”

“What do you want.”

“Nothing, just hold me.”

“I’m not leaving.”

“Who told you to come?”

“Hyunwoo.”

“Didn’t they call Minwoo?”

“Minhyuk dear, your brother is still in the army. He cannot answer his phone. We’ll call him tomorrow.”  
  
“Thank you for coming. Hyunwoo too. I think I saw Kangwoo, is he here?”

“Yes, I don’t know why. Do you want something to drink? Chamomile with milk?”

“No, don’t go anywhere.”

Hyungwon takes off his shoes and climbs on the bed, keeping Minhyuk close to him and petting his hair, listening to his breath and feeling his pulse, fully aware that he is still anxious. They both are.

Minhyuk talks to him, without any logical order to his thoughts and still, Hyungwon listens. Minhyuk was thinking about suicide for months. He couldn’t do it while Hyungwon was there, because he couldn’t bear the thought of someone he loved so much finding or seeing him dead.

He didn’t realize that if he died, the way, time and place wouldn’t matter to Hyungwon or anybody else. He tried overdosing but the nurses noticed pills missing and counted his dosages strictly, making sure he was swallowing properly his medicine.

He wasn’t too keen on hanging himself. It went wrong the first time and the elastic clinic sheets were not enough to keep his weight. Still after Hyunwoo and Hyungwon left his depression was coming back worse and he couldn’t cope with therapy and medication. He was about to call Hyungwon some nights but didn’t want to disturb him.

A week ago it became so bad that he constantly thought about killing himself, even if he was happy and smiley when met Hyungwon some days ago. He managed to sneak the bedsheets into the showers and started tying the knots. The shower head wasn’t sturdy enough for his weight, the nurse found him and the rest is the same Hyungwon heard from the doctor.

Hyungwon doesn’t move, not until he feels Minhyuk’s breath even out, watching his chest rise and fall. He looks peaceful. Hyungwon sends a message to Hyunwoo, that he’ll stay the night and Hyunwoo with Kangwoo can go home. They pass by, Kangwoo awake, giving Hyungwon’s leg a hug and Hyungwon lifting him to give it back. He’s getting heavy. Hyunwoo explains that his son was asleep and the phone call from the clinic woke him up and wanted to come too, because he hated seeing his father upset and sad.

Hyunwoo talks with the doctor before leaving, promises to be back right away after work the next day and heads outside. Hyungwon sends a brief message to Himchan, asking to take the day off and knows he won’t be able to fall asleep, so he gets a coffee and some cookies, spends the night on a chair in Minhyuk’s room.

 

The next morning, Minhyuk wakes up early, looks around the room until his eyes fall on Hyungwon, eyeing him from the corner of the room.

“I told you I’ll stay the night.”

“You didn’t stay with me.”

“We’ll have plenty of time to stay together, don’t worry.”

“Come here.”

Minhyuk’s hair is oily, his clothes worn for days. Hyungwon goes to his room, to bring him new ones and some breakfast. The sedatives are making Minhyuk dizzy and yet he refuses to fall asleep again as long as Hyungwon is by his side.

Hyungwon considers leaving to let him rest, but is not sure it’ll be effective. He makes Minhyuk drink milk and eat cake, then helps him brush his teeth and get changed into clean clothes. Minhyuk is told he’ll have a session when his therapist arrives.

 

Two hours. They have to kill that much time and the morning shift’s doctor won’t allow Minhyuk to get back to his room. He isn’t up for talking or playing cards, or anything, the light in his eyes flickering off.

Hyungwon changes channels on the television in the room, until Minhyuk and the other patient decide on something to watch together. Minhyuk is restless, shifting around the bed, throwing his covers off and asking Hyungwon to be back with him the moment he takes a few steps away.

Hyungwon has never seen him so needy for his presence. The nurse comes with Minhyuk’s medication, watches him carefully gulp everything down. Hyungwon wasn’t aware of how many pills Minhyuk had to take.

He is sitting on Hyungwon’s lap again, the cover thrown over both of them, Minhyuk feeling more secure sheltered from the harsh lights of the clinic.

“I didn’t really wanted to kill myself I think.”

“I hope so Minhyuk.”

“You know why?”

“Tell me.”

“Because I think we have a chance.”

“Being together?”

“Yes, I can’t miss that Hyungwon.”

And Minhyuk’s eyes sparkle again looking at Hyungwon until he is called for his session.

 

It’s hard, for both Hyungwon and Minhyuk. Maybe a little more for Minhyuk, since Jooheon leaves the clinic soon after his suicide attempt and he is left with only Kihyun. Hyungwon, more than anything is proud for Kihyun, how much he changed.

He sings in the choir, with his angelic voice. His personality comes out more, sarcastic remarks at the tip of his tongue, to hide his caring nature. He gets close with Minhyuk, until he is too, good to go. Minhyuk’s therapist tells him he needs a little more time and it becomes torturous, but the medication is working well, he is fine.

Hyungwon visits a lot. After work and sometimes stays over for the weekends. They become dependent on each other and then have to learn to be independent again, with the dynamics of their relationship constantly changing. Minhyuk calls Hyungwon when he needs him and Hyungwon does the same.

He almost purges once, calls Minhyuk from his bathroom’s floor and cries his eyes out. He saw Hoseok hosting a sports show on the television while changing channels. Minhyuk’s voice is enough to calm him down, bring him back to his reality. And Hoseok is not a part of this reality.

He enjoys work, viewing it as a part of therapy, socializing and having time to himself. His furniture designs become quite popular and they make a lot of money out of them. He buys a part of the company, co-owing it with Himchan and employing more people.

Jooheon drives the company’s van around, delivering orders. It’s too much going on in a few months. For Hyungwon it feels like he is making up for the months he spend in the clinic, which he doesn’t perceive as lost time, because he realises that he became a better version of himself after getting out.

He slowly form a small circle of friends. He goes out for dinner with their accountant, named Hoseok who’s smiling like he’s the actual sun, bringing candies for the shop’s backroom every day.

He finds a local club to play billiards, since there is nothing golf-related around his neighbour.  He enjoys taking Sunmi with him there and they contest in dart throwing. She almost always win and he buys her more beers. He promises Minhyuk they’ll go out to drink soon together too, when he acts jealous of Sunmi for having Hyungwon’s attention.

His social media is filled with friends, rather than creepy strangers asking him to model for them. He follows Jungkook and is happy to see that the boy is back to his hometown, with his orange-haired childhood friend and having a good time.

Changkyun starts his own YouTube channel with videogame tutorials and even though they pretty much only know FIFA, both Hyunwoo and Hyungwon subscribe and watch his videos. His graduation is close, everyone hopes Minhyuk will be out by that time, to attend the event. They are so proud of him.

The first time Changkyun calls Jooheon to tell him he is going on a date with a girl he receives back Hyunwoo’s old-fashioned flirting tips and Hyungwon’s styling advice. He gets the girl too.

Jooheon rents a small apartment with his girlfriend. She is a nice girl, works too and they go to church together on Sunday mornings, then for lunch at Hyunwoo’s restaurant. His dimpled smile is plastered on his face and his girlfriend says she couldn’t be luckier having someone like him. They have too, to learn things from the start, that fighting is healthy in a relationship and that they must not be afraid to get angry at each other, but also be able to handle it. They go to counselling together.

Jooheon also seems to have made peace with Gunhee, whom Hyungwon meets a couple times and looks like a good guy. He works as a plumber for a factory at the outskirts of the city and agrees to check the store’s piping after a flood period.

It’s on Hyunwoo’s birthday, after he blows off the candles of his cake and hears the song, with his son jumping up and down when his wife lifts a glass of wine to make an announcement.

It was unplanned, but she is pregnant and they are keeping it. Hyungwon is sure Minhyuk cried more than Hyunwoo when he heard the news. He is promised to be the stepfather. And when, at times Hyunwoo forgets his own name, his family and friends are there to calm him down. There is no treatment for his illness, but for the sake of them he keeps himself in the best condition possible.

 The latest addition to the company is a young carpenter, after they had a renovation, making enough space for a part of their furniture to be produced in the same building. Junhong is the apprentice of their original, old carpenter working with them, who preferred to keep his place and sends the young man to the company instead. Himchan falls head over heels and as much as Hyungwon wants him to be careful he can’t do much, when the boy responds to Himchan’s charms eagerly.

Dating someone way younger is the opposite of a problem for Himchan. He is spoiling Junhong and Hyungwon finds himself more or less in total charge of the store for long periods of time, when the others are traveling around Europe and entertaining themselves in cruise ships. Hyungwon doesn’t care much, since he reserves all the free days he’ll have, to be spend them with Minhyuk. He feels he is soon getting out.

Hyungwon knows something is going on, because Minhyuk is acting weird, not asking him to visit at the clinic as often as he used to, saying that Hyungwon needs to be concentrated on his work and life more. Hyungwon doesn’t ask more about the behavior, figuring he will catch up on what’s happening sooner or later.

It’s a hot summer morning when his doorbell rings. Hyungwon is only in boxers and a plain loose shirt, laying underneath the air conditioner and trying to fight off the heat. It’s Sunday and relatively early in the morning, so he expects his mother, with freshly baked cookies on his doorstep.

When he opens up, he sees instead a black haired boy, with a duffel bag hanging from his shoulder and a blinding smile.

“I…I am looking for a place to stay actually and you gave me your address so…”  
Hyungwon pulls Minhyuk inside and promises to never let him go. 


	9. Epilogue

Hyungwon is waiting at the park, on the same bench he sits every day. The sun is low on the skyline, the trees creating pleasant shadows, faint voices of children playing nearby in the distance.

His messenger bag is left beside him on the one side, two steaming cups on the other. It was a good day at work. They sold a whole living room set and Himchan is more than happy with how business is going.

When Hyungwon has free time, he takes some papers out on his desk and sketches. If Junhong likes it enough, he agrees to make the piece of furniture come to life, paint it, add cushions.

Some of the new chairs and the table in his apartment are designed from him. He calls his style elegant, but Minhyuk says it’s cute and cozy. He doesn’t know how these can be combined but he’s happy nonetheless. Minhyuk might be the tiniest bit biased with him.

He looks again at his clock, seven sharp, Minhyuk must have finished with his shift.

Ten more minutes of waiting and Hyungwon spots the figure getting closer. A scarf wrapped around his neck and the light brown coat on. Minhyuk is beautiful as always. Hyungwon waves and Minhyuk walks faster.

Minhyuk kisses Hyungwon on the cheek and takes his cup. Sweet latte with cream for him, a double espresso for Hyungwon. He talks about his day at the toy shop, they always have a lot of work on Fridays.

Hyungwon shows him some new sketches. Minhyuk wants everything for the apartment.  Maybe it’s time to move in a bigger one, with everything that Minhyuk wants. Hyungwon has the tendency of spoiling him mindlessly even now. If someone asked Minhyuk, he would say he only needs Hyungwon though.

They walk back hand to hand, not receiving any weird looks from the grannies with their grandchildren playing near the park’s entrance. They are used to each other’s presence. The way home is short and they make the most out of it, walking slowly swinging their hands back and forth.

Hyungwon knows Minhyuk is happy, he has become too good at reading him. His smile, his posture, his expressions and gestures when he is talking. A happy Minhyuk is the best Minhyuk, his own Minhyuk.

They have a trip to Jeju planned for the following weekend and Minhyuk brought a new guide book on his lunch break. Hyungwon promises to go through it together before sleeping. He needs a warm bath and food before using his brain for anything again. He spent the day helping their accountant with the monthly sales and Himchan was stuck at the bank for hours.

Minhyuk unlocks the apartment and leaves his set of keys in the bowl, next to the door. Hyungwon takes his coat off and hangs it, Minhyuk getting closer to him before he has the chance to take his shoes off.

Minhyuk is a good kisser, Hyungwon told him it’s a natural talent once. It doesn’t matter, as long as he’s the only one Minhyuk kisses. He presses Hyungwon flat on the door and connects their lips together for a moment.

It’s not heated, the passion covered with affection, in the way Minhyuk pays so much attention to Hyungwon, his lips and hands never leaving his skin, a bit teasingly but more lovingly. Hyungwon runs his fingers up and down Minhyuk’s spine, his weak spot.

He kisses him, feels hands around his waist, Minhyuk’s heartbeat on his own chest. They don’t kiss a lot, Minhyuk is hesitant, scared, that he’s not giving everything he can to Hyungwon, even after hours of reassuring conversation. Hyungwon doesn’t care as long as they are together. He loves Minhyuk for his personality first and his body after. He knows that it’ll take time, but it’ll also be so much worth it, when Minhyuk will be able to wholly trust him.

They haven’t put a name on what they are doing. They are living together, sleeping together, sometimes kissing, sometimes doing more, going on trips and waiting for each other to come back from work every evening.

They still go to therapy, individually, once every two weeks and it’s enough. Hyungwon learns to be patient, to wait until Minhyuk is ready for him.

He is a slow learner but there is love in everything he does, from the housework, to the small gifts he gets for Hyungwon, to the way his eyes light up when they are together. Minhyuk is put on lighter medication, not messing with his sleep and mind and he is sure he will be medicine free soon. Hyungwon has put enough weight to be healthy, still skinny for some, but Minhyuk ravishes his body like it’s a temple. 

Minhyuk’s lips trail down his neck and stop on the shoulder.

“Happy five hundred days living together, love.” He mutters against Hyungwon’s skin.

“Were you counting?” He takes a look at the slightly shorter man and can’t help but feel the butterflies in his stomach, much like the first time he realized he is in love.

“No, I have an app for that” Minhyuk chuckles and Hyungwon is sure that getting into each other’s lives was the best decision they could ever make.

They take their bath together, the bathtub spacious enough for both to sit in, Minhyuk in Hyungwon’s lap playing with his dump hair. Minhyuk’s hair, after returning to its natural color for a short amount of time is again white and naked like this he looks like an angel, next to Hyungwon’s tanned skin.

Minhyuk splashes the water to Hyungwon’s face and plays with the rubber ducks they have laying around the bathtub. One blue for Hyungwon and one red for Minhyuk. He asks Hyungwon about adopting a puppy again and Hyungwon is sure his heart cannot take double puppy eyes from both Minhyuk and a dog. He reminds him they both work a lot and wouldn’t be able to take good care of it. Minhyuk pouts and Hyungwon finds himself agreeing to at least fostering. Minhyuk has already found the puppy he wants anyway.

They brought bath bombs the last time they went shopping. Minhyuk makes good use of them and shifts his attention from Hyungwon to the strawberry bubbles. Hyungwon thinks he’ll smell wonderfully when they go to bed later and he’ll want to kiss all the exposed skin. He is tracing Minhyuk’s spine with his lips when the man talks.

“Can we never get out of here?”

“You’ll get cold.”

“You’re not fun.”  
Hyungwon loves Minhyuk’s childish side so much. It makes him too, feel like a kid sometimes, careless and completely happy.

After the bath, Hyungwon dries up Minhyuk’s hair. Surely the other can do it alone in half the time but it’s a habit they eventually formed, like many more. Minhyuk’s hair is damaged from all the bleaching but he insists on keeping it white. Hyungwon tells that he’ll love him even when he goes bald and gets tickled for punishment.

They pick clothes for the next day, their closet a mess. Hyungwon put on enough weight to not be able to wear most of his old clothes and Minhyuk didn’t have much at the clinic, so they went for shopping a lot, ending up with all wardrobes in their home full and taking each other’s shirts and pants.

They sit in the living room to watch Hyungwon’s new favorite drama, Minhyuk cooking something quick for dinner, humming a tone. It smells deliciously. Minhyuk took some cooking classes at the clinic after all and knows what he’s doing.

The food is done and Minhyuk makes Hyungwon try it before serving, to add more salt or paper. He knows how much of a picky eater Hyungwon is. He squishes himself between Hyungwon and the couch, plates on hand and eager to feed Hyungwon fried chicken by hand.

They usually talk a lot, about everything and Hyungwon loves how close they are. It was difficult to learn to respect the boundaries they had built but it paid off at the end. Minhyuk helps him become a better person, stay loyal to his eating schedules and his therapy and Hyungwon helps make all the bad thoughts go away.

It’s even easier since when they are living under the same roof, waking up each other with pats and kisses when they need something in the middle of the night. Hyungwon mostly enjoys his midday naps on weekends, Minhyuk climbing next to him and playing with his hair.

There are cookies in the kitchen. Or maybe not anymore since Minhyuk set his eyes on the plate. Hyungwon’s mum baked for them, which she does it a lot lately and Hyungwon doesn’t really know what to make of it.

She usually visits when Minhyuk is not at home but they’ve met a couple times. It was awkward, she was kind but not as talkative as normally, in a hurry to leave whatever food she had made and go back home. Minhyuk is hesitant to speak to her, but has told Hyungwon he definitely will one day, the next time they meet. He wants her to know that her son is in good, loving hands. That Minhyuk is taking care of him and is not just a phase. They are almost thirty anyway.

 

Hyungwon rarely visits his parents, not wanting to have any interaction with his father. Hyungsik has his own home now and a two years old girl. He made the effort to have him into his life again, for reasons still unknown to Hyungwon.

Hyungsik is not completely okay with the idea of Minhyuk, the guy that is dating his brother but neither admits it, inviting him too sometimes, for dinner, for a drink and they click off nicely. Really, nobody can resist Minhyuk’s charms. Especially Hyungwon’s niece, bribed with the presents Minhyuk gets her from his parents’ toy store where he works.

Hyungwon himself adores the little girl and tries to keep the relationship with his brother smooth, to have the experience of watching her grown up. There are still things kept untold between the brothers and memories Hyungwon would rather forget. But he forgives, since Hyungsik makes the effort. If someone told him he’ll be watching his almost boyfriend and his brother’s wife cooking together he would tell them they are crazy, but here he is.

 

Their routine is simple and repetitive. They wake up at the same time, six-thirty in the morning on weekdays and nine or later in weekends. Minhyuk makes the breakfast, Hyungwon serves the coffee from the machine.

Getting dressed is quit messy, since Minhyuk sometimes changes his color combinations last moment. Having colorful clothes is a plus, working in a store full of kids. Hyungwon is sure Minhyuk sometimes plays with his little customers, his clothes wrinkled when he returns.

They usually eat lunch with coworkers but try eating dinner together, cooking in the small kitchen or ordering take out. Minhyuk’s workplace has a playground area and when there are parties going on he brings back cake and snacks left behind by the kids. He also brings toys he likes and their double bed is slowly being taken over by stuffed animals. Really, Hyungwon cannot say no to Minhyuk, ever.

Their afternoons, when they don’t have therapy, are lazy. Napping on the couch, playing videogames and chess. Doing housework together, or finding new recipes to try online. When it’s raining they make small pillow forts and hide inside drinking hot chocolate and watching movies. It’s the most domestic Hyungwon has ever been.

The weekends are spend either with friends or traveling. They’ve seen various places around Korea and have traveled to Japan once. They dream of a big trip to Europe the next summer, not a fancy cruise like the one Himchan and his boyfriend like. More of a road trip, from one corner of the map to the other. There is a shelf on their bookcase, full of maps and tour guides for every place they want to visit, anytime in the future. There is enough time to see everything, as long as they have the money for it.

Hyungwon enjoys reading before bed, Minhyuk prefers playing on his phone. It’s late, but a Friday and they are not in a rush to sleep. Only the lamp of the nightstand is on, the window shedding some light from outside into the room and Minhyuk has already turned off his phone. Hyungwon puts his book down and tucks Minhyuk’s stray hair behind his ears. He wants to tell him how beautiful he is.

“Tired?”

“I was just thinking.”

“What?”

In the faint light of the room, Minhyuk blushes, getting closer to Hyungwon’s side, head falling on his shoulder.

“We’ve been living together for quite some time now and I’ve been thinking actually…”

“Yeah?” Hyungwon cannot stop the smile from spreading on his face. He knows quite well what Minhyuk is thinking. He was gonna say the same thing sooner or later.

“I was thinking…maybe if you take me out for a date, then I can agree on being your boyfriend. Officially. If you ask me.”

Hyungwon forgets his book and leans down to kiss him.

Their stories have the same ending, and it’s a happy one.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dearest readers, this is the end of this journey and I hope you had a good time, because I certainly did.  
> This chapter is just a fluffy special, so enjoy <3
> 
> Special thanks to @alyn61 and @Wangyourass for their thoughtful comments and support, hyping me up to finish the editing on time and to everyone else that commented, left kudos and subscribed!
> 
> Last but not least, I wanna say how thankful I am to my w o n d e r f u l beta, who stayed with me through all my writer (and not only) tantrums and helped finish the whole fic in November. (She is also the one who asked for this chapter so extra appreciating points <3 ) ~

“Are you nervous?”

“N-no…?”

Hyungwon lifts an eyebrow, giving a light squeeze on Minhyuk’s hand. It’s a nice day, the sun warm and a soft breeze passing between the trees. They are just out of Seoul, at a vast park, the car parked outside the wooden fences.

There are playgrounds, a bakery and various other attractions scattered around small picturesque paths. Minhyuk is holding a basket with food they prepared from home and Hyungwon is trying to find the way to the artificial lake, supposedly at the northern part of the park.

They had taken off their free days together and were preparing the short trip for long. Their official first date, featuring a pick nick at a park and maybe a movie night afterwards. It’s been exactly three years since Minhyuk got into the clinic for the first time and he wanted to make a better use of the memorable date.

They at last spot the lake, a huge water mass, reflecting the white clouds above them. Minhyuk smiles to the sight and pulls Hyungwon’s hand. There are some people already sitting on the grass, families and couples.

It was a bit difficult to realize that their relationship was not socially accepted at first, right after exiting the clinic where it was more or less normalized by staff and other patients, but they worked it out. They may not be holding hands publicly but one look is more than enough to convey their feelings.

Hyungwon finds a nice place under a tree, for Minhyuk to lay the blanket they had brought with them and leave the basket. They sit huddled together and Minhyuk takes out his phone for a photo. He stopped carrying his polaroid but still likes taking photos of them every time they are out. He keeps them all in neat folders on his laptop.

Hyungwon, on his elbows, is staring at the clouds, he loves the open sky. Turning his body around to lay on his side he looks at Minhyuk, who has opened the basket and is eating chips, in a weak attempt of soothing his anxiety. Maybe naming this “their first date” was a mistake. Hyungwon caresses Minhyuk’s hair until he has his attention.

“What even are you stressing about?”

“Nothing.” Minhyuk is rubbing his nape looking at the grass.

“Come on Min”

“Making a good impression.”

“On me, really? You have already left the best impression, just relax and enjoy. It’s a day for us.”

“You are doing so much for me.”

Hyungwon lifts his eyebrows. He knows Minhyuk’s mouth works by itself when he’s anxious. He takes a brownie from the basket and stuffs Minhyuk’s mouth with it.

“I love you and I don’t want you to have even the slightest doubt about it. I love you as much as you love me.”

Minhyuk’s eyes light up.

“Do you know how much I love you?”  
Hyungwon giggles titling his head. “No idea. Tell me.”

Minhyuk opens his arms as wide as they go, with a toothy smile brighter than all the suns of the universe combined.

“I love you thaaaaaaaat much and infinite times more.”

Hyungwon manages to keep a straight face for ten long seconds, until he breaks, starts cracking up and hugs Minhyuk tight. He is too precious. He caresses Minhyuk’s back and breaths in his scent, the scent of their shampoo and laundry powder and Minhyuk.

They end up rolling on the blanket and laughing, Hyungwon briefly pecking Minhyuk’s lips, not caring if anybody is looking at them. It’s not a day to be bothered by conservative assholes. He wants more, he wanst all of Minhyuk but manages to get off him with some self control. They have the rest of their lives to themselves.

Minhyuk loosens up, smiles and talks and feeds Hyungwon his homemade kimchi and chicken and the cake he baked with Jihyun’s recipe. He tells Hyungwon he loves him, maybe a hundred times and Hyungwon is happy to accept every single one.

Hyungwon with strands of grass and beautiful flowers makes a flower crown and a small bracelet for Minhyuk. He has practiced with other materials in the store making chairs and the picture in front of him is worth his forever sore fingers.

Minhyuk, sitting on the red and white blanket has his hands on his tummy trying to suppress a new wave of laughter, he’s happy. He’s wearing a white button up shirt and on top of it a gray sweater, too big on him, hands lost in the sleeves.  He’s adorable and Hyungwon can’t help but coo at him.

After eating, instead of the usual slumber they fall too, Minhyuk is even more energetic. He has brought a ball and pokes Hyungwon’s sides until he is up to play football with him. They exchange shoots back and forth, trying to score in the spaces between trees they picked. Hyungwon is letting Minhyuk win, his thin body not much against the ball.

Minhyuk kicks and Hyungwon lifts his eyes to the sky to look at the ball disappearing. It ends up into the lake and Minhyuk ends up with his shoes wet, trying to pick it up with a stick and almost falling inside. Hyungwon catches him in time and promises to buy them a new ball.

They eat some more snacks and talk about their future, in subtle ways. That new apartment downtown, a bit closer to both their jobs by train and with just enough space for the two of them and a small dog and some new furniture pieces and plushies. Of hosting a dinner with both their hyungs and maybe other friends and their children too, right after moving in. The future trips they currently don’t have the budget for, but will make them happen.

It’s getting dark and soggy, so they gather their belongings, with one last stop at the small bakery inside the park, to try its famous ice cream. Being indecisive on the flavors, they take three different each and share. Hyungwon stares hard at Minhyuk, who’s leaning into his space to lick the melted ice cream off his fingers. He returns the gesture and feels Minhyuk shiver.

Minhyuk has prepared music for the way back and Hyungwon can’t get enough of his voice, singing off key and rapping to his favorite songs. When they stop at the red lights Hyungwon joins in, very unsuccessfully trying to harmonize. They get a couple honks from other cars.

 

Their apartment is warm and welcoming, Hyungwon taking his jacket off and helping Minhyuk out of his sweater, kissing his cheek and nose and running his hands up and down Minhyuk’s sides.

“Hey, are we watching the movie?” Minhyuk nuzzles his nose in Hyungwon’s hair.

“Let’s make popcorn.”

Minhyuk gets startled by the corn seeds hitting the lid of the pot and Hyungwon is the one to open it in a fit of bravery. Too much oil and salt but still they slide comfortably on the couch to cuddle and feed each other.

The movie was Minhyuk’s pick, something light and romantic and Hyungwon for the most part has no idea what’s going on with the protagonist, only that he’s trying to win a girl over. He wishes him good luck and shift his attention back to Minhyuk. He can’t see much in only the light from their television but he can make out Minhyuk’s eyes and his eyelashes flickering and his lips tightening when there a tense scene going on in the movie.

Minhyuk is simply beautiful, even more with his sleeves rolled up, the scars on his skin fading over time, some covered by their occasional hickeys and love bites. Hyungwon knows that touching them this way will not hurt Minhyuk, only make him forget where they came from.

By the middle of the movie the popcorn is over and Minhyuk’s attention span time is running up, turning to properly sit on Hyungwon’s lap. He brings his hands on Hyungwon’s cheeks and they look at each other.

“Tell me you love me again.”

“I love you.”

“I’m glad I met you.”

Hyungwon nods. Fate worked strangely on his favor this time.

  
“I can’t promise you to always be well and happy, because I know that I am still not okay and neither you are. But I can and I will promise to do my best, to be functioning and happy and how could I not be when I have you by my side. You mean the world to me.”

Minhyuk’s eyes get teary, words heavy and Hyungwon gives him his pinky finger.

“Promise.”

“Promise.”

They spent nights in the clinic and now in this apartment and soon they’ll be in a new one, decorating it together from the start. Hyungwon has had a lot of great starts in his life after getting out of the clinic, it’s just that the ones involving Minhyuk are those he enjoys the most and this promise, although without further vocalizing what it involves, is a form of a new start itself.

“Hey Hyungwon, I think it’s time.” Hyungwon shifts on the couch, finding the remote control and muting the television. The protagonist is kissing the girl but he doesn’t care about them when he has Minhyuk on top of him, a comforting weight.

“I think so too.”

“We made it a little more complicated that it should have been. Thank you for waiting for me to be ready. I am.”

“I’m glad.”

“Will you be my boyfriend Chae Hyungwon?”

“Yes, yes I will Minhyuk.”  
Minhyuk chuckles, lowers his body, mouth almost touching Hyungwon’s ear.

“I think that’s the part where you kiss me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!  
> Thank you for staying till here and I would be more than glad to hear opinions on the whole fic~
> 
> You can find me on tumblr under the same username and on twitter as @mkhhhx (Just started using the account, not sure if I'm using it correctly, but I'll be active there too).
> 
> ~(^ω^)/


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